I consider myself a pretty good person. I’m generally nice to people. I’m optimistic. I don’t cut in line. I don’t spout profanity. And I usually remember the Golden Rule and try to use it in my life. Except for one place. Except with regard to one person.
In my home – to my husband.
How is it that the one person I love more than anyone in the whole world, and let me tell you how crazy I am about my amazing husband, gets the worst of me? Any rationale person would tell you that the person you love the most SHOULD BE the person you look the prettiest for (but he’s seen me looking worse than anyone, save my mom), that you speak the kindest and most loving words (but he’s heard me be a complete and utter meanie), that you do the most selfless acts for (but I’ve been utterly selfish at times), and that you daily remind, with words and actions, that you love him utterly and completely (but some days that gets completely ignored).
Before you think that I’m a pot-throwing, red-faced yelling, maniacal shrew, let me correct that misimpression. Bray and I are good to each. Better to each other than many couples are after being married a few years. HOWEVER, I could be better. I was reminded of that last night. We’d both had long days – he’d been alone with the kids last week while I was in London so he’s playing catch up at work and I’m absolutely swamped at the office. The kids were incredibly fussy and the youngest was having a holy temper tantrum. We’d just gotten them out of their high chairs and they were running around the kitchen and destroying it and I wanted them on the other side of the gate but Bray had put them on the kitchen side instead. Then he put up the salad which I had not yet eaten. In both instances, he was being helpful. He was getting the kids out of their chairs and cleaning up the kitchen. But I just bit his head off. “I want these kids OUT of the kitchen!” “Did you THINK I didn’t want to eat?” What on earth? And he laughingly said, “relax grumpy.” But if I’d spoken to my boss like that I would have gotten FIRED!
Why do I think I can get away with treating the man of my dreams like a demon in my nightmares? I can not. And I should not. It is disrespectful and inconsiderate. Of course we all get overwhelmed and sometimes our fuse is a little short. But I’m trying to figure out how those actions and words became permissible. I wouldn’t have reacted to him like that when we were dating. And yet now, after he’s committed to me for a lifetime, given me a thousand goose-bump-inducing kisses, shared a home and children and hopes and dreams, now it’s allowed? No.
I am currently going on a journey to find a better way, a better place, to release the stress of my day without unloading on the person I adore. I will share with him the ups and downs of my day without making him the brunt of my downs. I will, at the very least, remember the Golden Rule and apply it first at home to my beloved.