I was never all that great at saying no. From an early age, I was a people pleaser. Plus, I run on activity so I didn’t mind the frenzied schedule and growing to do list. Things are changing though, and I’m now having to learn to say no.
The most important change is that I’m part of a family of five. I get so little time with my husband and kids. I leave the house at 7:30 am and don’t return until nearly 6 pm Monday through Friday. That means, best case, I get from 6 pm to 8:30 pm during the week. And that’s if nothing comes up. So everything I say yes to, a new board appointment, a speaking engagement, an after hours meeting, has to be worth the few precious hours I’m giving up with my family.
The most recent change though is that I’m getting asked to do more things by more people who I do not know well. By virtue of my new job or the blog or my involvement with a few high-profile organizations, I am now getting asked to attend breakfasts, lunches, and dinners with people I do not have a personal relationship with. I don’t know about you working moms, but it’s already nearly impossible for me to schedule a sliver of time with the girlfriends I do have! However, I couldn’t figure out a way to say no to these lunch requests without it seeming rude. It was not at all a reflection on the people asking to schedule something, but more a reflection on just how little time I have with my family in these precious years.
So I asked a couple of girlfriends and got some great advice on how to approach these situations. If you find yourself in a similar situation, needing to say no but not wanting to seem rude, aloof, or unfeeling, these might also work for you:
- Be Honest. The best advice I got was from my best friend, “I’d just send a response that says you tend to take lunch at your desk because you like to leave at a “reasonable time” to get home to the kids.” This is the truth. I have so many mandatory lunches with work and board commitments, that the few free days I have I really like to work from my desk. I pop downstairs, grab a salad, and come right back up to my desk and keep working so I can get off in time to spend time with the kiddos. So you know what, I did just that. And the person receiving the response totally understood.
- Pool the Invitations. My other girlfriend said, “you could mention that there are one or two other people you also met through XYZ and that with everyone’s limited free time, maybe you could all get together for lunch. That way you have one lunch and get the benefit of meeting 2 or 3 people.” That way, if you feel it’s a must-do meet for professional reasons, you can still get multiple benefits out of one event. Not to mention, you may be helping the others by expanding their network.
- Find a Common Event. This works great for me because a lot of my invitations stem from people I’m meeting at a mutual organization we have in common. So a simple reply such as, “I can’t make it but I’ll see you at the next Women’s Energy Network event” or “I’m so busy right now but I’d love to catch up with you at the church/neighborhood picnic” allows you to connect without adding one more item to your already busy calendar.
It can be hard to say no. Particularly when you are trying to be gracious. But the most important thing is for you to ask if your “yes” will take away from your top three priorities. If so, then find a way to say “no” and develop boundaries so your family and work don’t suffer.
I am terrible at saying no. TERRIBLE. Just as I started to get better about it, people decided to start volunteering me to do things. I’m not lying. My friend asked me if I could help her plan some ideas for decorations for a women’s event at church. I accepted and was truly happy to do it. Another lovely lady asked me for ideas on toddler friendly foods for this same event. I emailed her a list (being careful not to make it so complicated that I got the whole, “well since you know how to do that, why don’t you bring those” speech). Two weeks later, someone informed me that I was in charge of bringing the “kid” food to said event. So not only was I helping with decorations, I was making all of the food. They didn’t even give me the opportunity to decline. Lovely lady number 2 left town on vacation, so if I declined it left others holding the bag. It was a mess and I was really mad. It took an entire day and a half away from my family.
The thing about saying no is that we all want to. There isn’t a woman (that I know of) out there that doesn’t struggle with this at some point. And yet, women (seemingly) continue to put other women in the awkward spot of having to find the words to say “no.”
Lucky for me, my husband saves me every time I over commit. EVERY. TIME.
Oh Callie – that is TERRIBLE! So a lot of this post centered around the “no” for the invite, but you are right on the “no” for the volunteering. I’ve had that happen and this is moms volunteering me that have fewer kids and aren’t working all day. I love that you brought the perspective of the fact that it’s WOMEN putting women in these awkward positions, so we should all be more mindful of that. Maybe next time you just tell the woman who informed you you’re in charge of bringing food, “oh, I’m sorry, there’s been a misunderstanding, I don’t have the bandwidth to do that and I did not sign up.” You don’t want that to become a recurring pattern b/c they think that you’ll do it if pushed. Good luck!
I also have trouble saying No, but I’m getting better at it. With two 13-year-olds, my husband and I have a lot to do in the evenings. However, my new tactic is to commit to a certain time period (like an hour-long meeting) and excuse myself and leave when that time is up.
I know – I’ve heard as the kids get older it just gets HARDER! I think setting true time limits is so important, and helps you plan.
We live in a “suburb” of Houston and I commute to work. I find that those who are very willing to help me fill my calendar with activities, either do not work outside the home, have several family members to leave their kiddos with, or work right down the street from where they live. I would argue that mothers who work close to home have a good 4 “extra” hours a day than those of us who commute.
Over the last several months, I have been on a “journey” to a simpler life. Most days, it seems like an impossibility. But, in doing this, I have realized just how often you talk to someone who says, “oh, we are just SO busy…..” and they continue to tell you about the millions of things going on throught their week. Then, last week, a dear friend of mine pinned something on Pinterest that might be a game changer for me. It said, “Stop glorifying busyness.” It is so true. We run ourselves ragged in the name of keeping busy or keeping up with others. I know the older my child gets, the worse it will be. So, I’m trying to get control of it now so the spiral can be a little more tolerable.
Callie – I love that. I’m going to use that. Stop glorifying busyness. So true. Thank you.