It. Is. Everywhere.
Y’all, what up with the ankle strap?
Theoretically, they are cute. I even look at those rows of ankle-strap pumps, SOME of them, and think, “ooooh, super cute.” I thought this when I took a turn down the DSW aisles this past week. They are everywhere. Not just at shoe stores. EVERYWHERE.
Go look at Ann Taylor’s suit section (oh, they’re running a sale on their suits, FYI). Go on, I’ll wait – http://www.anntaylor.com/suits/cata000013?trail=&pageSize=14&gridSize=md&catid=cata000013&goToPage=2&fRequest=true
Every single skirt suit is featured with big thick ankle straps.
The cover photo for “white hot” on DSW’s home page this week showed four kinds of shoes, and guess what? They ALL had ankle straps. There are 136 options for ankle strap pumps on their website right now.
So today is just going to be my public service announcement for the return of the ankle strap, and it’s not good news:
Virtually no one looks good in these shoes! Well, let me rephrase. Virtually no one looks good in these while wearing skirts or dresses. If you want to wear them with pants, go knock yourself out. (And I assume everyone has the sense not to pair them with a short.)
Because folks, a lot of these are thick ankle straps. But once you have an ankle strap, of any size, cutting your leg where you are supposed to be slim, well, it’s no good.
Here are women that struggle pulling off an ankle strap of nearly any size:
1. Me;
2. Several of my friends who wholeheartedly concur;
3. Anyone that is short to middle height;
4. Anyone who has thick calves or ankles;
5. Anyone who is carrying more weight than they are comfortable with.
Here is who looks good in an ankle strap:
Women over 5’10 who wear smaller than a size 8. Yep. I don’t know about the girls you hang with, but in my circle, that’s a pretty small subset of folks.
So who is buying all of these ANKLE STRAPPED SHOES? Surely we all have full length mirrors. (If you do not own a full length mirror, buy one this weekend. You can pick one up for about $10 at Wal-Mart.)
Here is a potpourri with commentary just for you on the shapes and sizes of ankle strapped pumps circling the shoe markets this spring. Hopefully, this will be on a loop in your head as you venture out shoe shopping:
I may be in love with this shoe. You remember my obsession with gray shoes? And paired with camel, sigh. But there is no possible way this shoe is going to work for me. Unless I promise, in writing, to never ever wear these with anything but trousers.
Y’all, this is an adorable striped summer wedge. But you pair that thick strap with that thick base and you’re going to look like a platypus. Cut the strap off I beg you and let the wedge (and your leg) shine.
Because the big thick strap wasn’t going to do enough favors for you, let’s shorten the heel and color it salmon. Nope.
This peep toe stiletto ankle-strapped bootie is lace. Lace. None of the words in that sentence should ever be written again.
One strap was not enough. Two straps were not enough. Three straps?!?! Someone, stop the madness!
This shoe should never be worn out of the bedroom. Period.
Okay, I’m done. You can have your Friday back. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
You are SOOOOOO right! I loved this AND you made me laugh, which I sorely needed on this Friday 11 days away from tax day.
I’m glad I made you smile – I was ready for some lightness!!!!
The wedge with the aqua strap is oh so cue, but I have another category of girls who do not look good in the ankle strap. I’m 5’8″ and under a size 8 and girl, those ankle straps do not look good on skinny ankles either! I always feel like they make my already scrawny ankles look freekishly boney. I also think ankle boots and skirts and dresses is ugly. Just chop 4 inches off your leg.
Fat people look awful in these shoes but still wear them!
You called it. They are horrible. Truly. This trend can’t last. (For the record, I bought and wore a pair one time. For my 20th HS reunion. From AT…still have them bc that’s how much I heart them…black, evening sandals, w heel, with very slight sparkle, thin, thin, thin, strap. Never before that pair, and never since, have ankle straps looked good on me. I also wore my hair curled that night…which never happens…so we’ll blame the whole thing on 20th reunion madness! Ha!)
So you’ll have to send me a pic of the truly worthy ankle strap (and 20 yr reunions do weird things to you)
I love it. I don’t ever comment, but I couldn’t resist because this is hilarious.
The thick strap reminds me of a Mary Jane shoe out of control. Like the shoemaker, seriously messed up on the placement of the strap. Then I wonder is the strap supposed to hold the person in, because the person will fall out of the heel while walking. Wait ankles, you better buckle up, because this woman means business and she will leave the shoes in her tracks. Thanks for the laugh at the end of a stressful weak.
Yes yes yes – how do we all feel this way and it’s still the hot trend?!?!
Ha! Oh my gosh I was dying as I read this. Amen, sister. Amen. Oh but oh I do love shoes, because they are the one thing you can try on and not feel chunkalishious. Or at least they should be. These negate that. Sigh. So sad for shoe lovers round the world.
I know – heels do SO much for you, why kill all that pain of wearing them with cutting your legs off w/a strap!?!?
Ha! I was HOWLING with laughter on this post. I just went shoe shopping Friday for evening shoes at Nordstrom- and ALL I saw where these hideous shoes. They look good on NO ONE I know. They look terrible on me- I’m size 6, and 5’2″ – awful. On a petite thing like me they are nearly garter belts. And speaking of underthings as outerwear- these shose make most everyone look like a tart. Any woman wearing these to work needs a full on intervention.
Oh man yes on the tart thing – some of those SHOES. But I’m feeling nuts looking on line thinking – what did sandals have before ankle straps???
Ankle strap shoes are a travesty! They look good on virtually no one, you are so right. I see all these, let’s call them average, women in these shoes and they look short and dumpy. Please let this trend end soon. I want to be able to go shoe shopping again.
I am SO happy to find so many people that agree – this trend needs to die! I see it all the time – nice dress, nice graceful look and wham – horrible big ankle straps or ankle boots or whatever cutting the leg into a short shapeless peg. And then, you risk your foot health to wear 4″ heels and then totally undo the whole reason for torturing yourself with the high heel! Why do so many women fall for this and not see it? I have big calves and ankles but even normal legs are not flattered by these shoes with a dress!
Exactly! I didn’t think I could be the only one who sees the ankle strap as hideous. I haven’t even tried one on. I know it will look awful on me and I’m 5′ 5″ and thin. There is no subset of women that ankle straps do anything but make their legs look short and fat.