Dealing with Disappointments

It was nearly midnight when he woke up with a screaming fever.  He’d been out of sorts during the day but nothing specific so we went on about our business.  Yet here we were, evidence of what must have been simmering all day.  He wasn’t my high fever kid which meant this first reading over 103 degrees had me worried.

Before I ever got to medicine and cold rags, he started sobbing, “I can’t miss by best friend’s birthday party!”

It was true.  In about 12 hours we had a fun bowling/laser tag party that we’d all been looking forward to all week.  The kids because they adore the birthday boy and his sister, and me because I adore the mom.  We’d wrapped the gifts together and baked the birthday boy his favorite M&M chocolate chip cookies to pair with his present.  My little man knew that a fever so close to a birthday party was an automatic no-go.

I tried to console him, medicated him, and promised we’d find a time for these friends to do something special to celebrate once he was well.

I reflected this morning on the importance of these moments.

It is important our kids experience disappointment.  It’s important they know change and struggle and sadness and failure.  Because if our kids don’t learn how to channel those emotions at a young age, they will be ill-equipped to handle the curve balls adult life throws at them.

The “life app” at my church’s elementary Sunday School this month is perseverance.  This has to be one of my favorite words.  Our tag line is, refusing to give up when life gets hard.  In our kindergarten small group, we went around the circle and told about something hard that had happened that week.  It was everything from the very serious like a grandparent’s cancer to the “smaller” like someone laughing at them, but it all feels hard in the moment.  I told them about my tooth breaking a second time (yes, it broke again on Friday after repaired) and how embarrassed I was to come to church with a big chunk out of my tooth.  It wasn’t anything like the hardship of death or illness or poverty, but it felt disappointing and sad to me.  That they could relate to.  We persevere because of all the founders of our faith endured that was truly hard, and their bravery inspires us to be brave and strong.

I think all too often, I can be the worst offender, parents try to stave off disappointment or sadness or failure (out of love or just fear of a meltdown), and then our kids are really at a loss when something happens beyond our/their control.

We empathize when the hard comes.  And it may not feel hard to us, like missing a birthday party, but it’s huge to them and their current framework in life.  We let them know we understand disappointment and defeat because we’ve struggled with it all too often.  But then we let them experience it.  {===> Click to Tweet}  We try to frame it so there is good at the end.  Hope to look forward to on the other side.

Even as our family deals with many changes in the next few months – saying goodbye to the nanny who has been with us since the beginning, having a different kind of summer, changing schools – we look at the good in the present and the future.  Last night, around the dinner table, each child listed two things he or she loved about the different schools they have attended or have visited.  We are actively looking for the good in the change.  Hopefully, this will make them more willing to embrace change in the future even when it’s scary.  Because without change, we won’t know opportunity or adventure or new beginnings.

My sick boy was sad when we left for the party, but he didn’t cry.  He had good behavior almost all day even though he was trapped inside with a fever and missed the event he’d looked forward to all week.  He was disappointed and sad.  But he was also resilient.  He knew he’d get better and he’d see his friend and there was fun still to come.

There always is.  Hope. Fun. Something different but good on the horizon.