Gindi Vincent

The Dish on Career, Fashion, Faith, and Family

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An Inch Away

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Recently I read a post by a mom who had triplets close in age to my children.  And even though this wasn’t the topic of her post, rather it was focused on kid sleep issues, she made this comment in passing, “the baby’s been sleeping with my husband and I (who are about an inch away from divorce).”   That parenthetical has stuck in my head on auto-replay.  I started writing this post a few weeks ago, but couldn’t come to terms with how to say what I wanted to say. 

Lately, divorcing couples have assaulted me and my comfort zone.  I know two triplet moms who are finalizing or in the midst of divorces.  They have, respectively, 7 month olds and 2 year olds.  I know of several triplet families that are “near” divorce, self-professed.  I am watching several couples without multiples debate whether it’s worth it to continue through the battlefield their marriages have become.  It is bloodshed everywhere I turn this year. 

Maybe I am particularly aware of it given my childhood.  I swore because my parents got divorced that I never would.  And I waited a long time to get married, deciding early on that I’d rather be alone than in an angry marriage or nursing divorce-injuries.  I recognize that I’ve been blessed.  That I have a husband that I love, that loves me back, and that is committed to making our marriage, our life, our home work.  It doesn’t mean we don’t fight, we had a doozy of one two weeks ago.  Marriage is WORK.  It does mean though, at least for Bray and me, at the end of the day we love each other and are committed to providing a safe and happy home for our children and ourselves. 

But there are a lot of couples out there that are either “an inch away” from leaving their marriage behind permanently or have already done so.  Certainly some of those situations can not be helped – a spouse leaves you for another or is abusive.  But so many of these marriages can be restored.

Once a wedge has developed in our marriages, it becomes easy to focus on the bad rather than the good.  To highlight the bad to the other person.  To allow everything to become a massive battle even if it’s unimportant.  You feel the need to be right regardless of whether it’s worth the damage that need causes.   What if, instead of only looking for the negative, you only looked for the positive.  You only spoke about the positive.  I wonder, if we could start reversing the process. Slowly, of course.  You don’t go from an inch away from divorce to a mile away from divorce overnight.  But you might be able to be two inches away from divorce overnight.  And then six inches.  And then a foot.  It’s work, but it can be done if you are willing to put in the effort. 

I led a bible study one summer from a tiny little book by Lysa Terkeurst, who I quote periodically.  It’s called Capture His Heart.  I highly recommend this little book.  I’ll even mail you a copy – I keep extras around my house.   An important thing she points out is that you can only do the work for you.  You can’t do the work for both of you.  And you can’t keep score.  You can’t expect a certain response for some new positive behavior or action you implement.  You have to do it because you want your marriage to work.  You do not want to be a statistic.  You may not like your husband today, but surely you can look back and remember why you fell in love with him.  Surely you can respect him.  Surely you can raise children that will love and respect their father.  And if you don’t think, in this moment, that you can, then God can.  God can restore your marriage.  And He wants to.  If you think you have it bad, I assure you, I have some friends whose stories would stand your hair on end.  But they committed to themselves, to God, to their children, that they would try, and God has restored their marriages in a way that I thought would never be possible. 

I encourage you today, if your marriage is in a dark spot, focus on one positive thing about your husband.  Speak kind words.  Move the needle, even if it’s only another inch.  Pray for restoration.  God wants to intervene. 

Matthew 4 – “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
Proverbs 31 – A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.  Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.  She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
I Corinthians 13 – Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Matthew 7 – “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.”
Ephesians 5 – For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory…forever.

The Great Ear Piercing of 2019

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When I turned 12, my mother took me to the doctor’s office to get my ears pierced.  I felt so grown up.  I love earrings.  Especially fine dangling ones.  Alas, while babysitting in college, an infant ripped the hoops out of my right ear and the skin never grew back together.  To this day, I still wear clip earrings.  Which I leave scattered around the country because I take them off since they always hurt after an hour.  I could solve this problem by having my lobe stitched up.  I just haven’t bothered. 

But I digress. 

Little bit wanted to pierce her ears.  I told her, starting around age 8, she could have them pierced when she turned 10.  We’d hoped to get our ears pierced together but I never got it together to fix mine in time. 

As the time approached, I investigated options.  Apparently, very few people go to a doctor.  But I thought we might should avoid an “earring mill” like Clare’s just to ensure against infection.  (Though I know plenty of people happy with Clare’s.)

After some investigating through my lovely social media network, I landed on a tattoo parlor being the best option because they pierce with a single use needle.  Because of several solid referrals, we landed on 713 Tattoo down in the Montrose area of Houston which is FAR from my house.  Nonetheless, we made our appointment for the afternoon before the kids 10th birthday so she could arrive at school the morning of her birthday with ears sparkling. 

I picked her up from school, with all her friends cheering her on (and wanting to come along), and we hiked all the way down to the parlor.  I was told I needed my i.d., her birth certificate, and a photo i.d. for her.  Because she does not have a photo i.d., I was told I could use a yearbook so I swung by home to pick one up.  On our drive, I mentioned that she might see people who have a lot of colorful tattoos and might have more piercings than she is used to seeing. 

Yet, still, she wasn’t quite ready. 

She was already very nervous about getting her ears pierced. 

Upon arrival, we waited behind a high school couple there to get his nose pierced and her septum pierced. Then, a lovely young woman came out from the piercing room with so many piercings all over her face it took both little bit and I aback. Not to mention, the very nice man who did the piercings was completely covered in tattoos and piercings and had very long blue fingernails. Nonetheless, we pressed forward.

I had gone and left the yearbook at home but I had my driver’s license and her birth certificate and Bray had texted me a photo of the yearbook cover and her page. The cost to get her ears pierced, with their mandatory jewelry, was incredibly high, but still we pressed forward.

It wasn’t until the man, apologetically, shared that he was prohibited to pierce her ears without an in person photo identification that we had to throw in the towel. We’d had the appointment on the books for weeks and she’d told all her friends she would arrive at school, on her birthday, with sparkly pierced ears. Pearls, she’d said, all along (which were not available at the tattoo parlor, perhaps not surprisingly).

I was so upset. I’d forgotten the stupid yearbook on the counter! All my fault. So I thought back to my original social media post asking for recommendations for piercing spots. And I remembered a number of moms recommending Merle Norman. MERLE NORMAN?!?! I didn’t even know they were still around. My memory of them from the ’80s was that they sold heavy foundation.

Upon investigation, there was a Merle Norman FIVE MINUTES from our house! Hmmm, surely they wouldn’t be open past 5, I wondered while staring at the clock reading 4:30 while miles and miles from home. Nevertheless, I called, hoping against hope I could rescue my piercing promise.

She answered, could take us at 5:30, as they did not close until 6 pm!!! Great rejoicing was had by us both.

Then little bit turned to me and asked if there would be a lot of tattoos and piercings at Merle Norman. I laughed and said I could guarantee no tattoos at the MN destination. To which she sighed a great sigh of relief, her little face relaxing for the first time since our arrival at 713, and said, “Oh good mommy, I really didn’t want that man piercing my ears. Did you SEE his nails???”

Ha!

Providential intervention!

The lady at Merle Norman was positively delightful. She sat little bit in the high Merle Norman chair for the obligatory before and after shots. And upon looking at their jewelry, they had beautiful little pearl studs EXACTLY as little bit had dreamed.

In talking to our friendly piercer to ease little bit’s fears, she was completely pale and shaking because she is terrified of needles, we heard the best stories. She shared that the oldest woman whose ears she’d ever pierced was 85 years old. The 85 year old, when asked why pierce her ears now, said her husband had always thought pierced ears were for “loose” women and now that her husband had died she was finally able to pierce her ears!

Well that cracked us both up and the first earring went in. Oh, that’s it, that’s not even as bad as a flu shot, she remarked. She visibly relaxed again, stopped shaking, and the second one went in without even a flinch.

Now, of course, we’re three weeks in and she’s totally annoyed at having to treat them every morning and night. But we do it religiously because I know when she’s in her 40s (if she stays away from hoop earrings and babies) she’ll be glad she did it! No infections, thank heavens, and she bounded off to school the next bright birthday morning with her shiny pearl studs!

And now, I promise, back to fashion and parenting and leadership and community posts. Thanks for letting me scrapbook our 10th milestones!

Marriage Malaise

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Maybe August is a hard month for marriages.

Or maybe my friend group is in a hard season for marriages.  Demanding careers, young kids, aging parents.  Juggling decisions like moves and education and finances and what’s too much or not enough. 

Whatever the reason, I’ve had heartbreaking conversations this month with a number of my friends.

We haven’t had a passionate kiss in over a year.

He rolls his eyes at everything I do.

We’re sleeping in separate rooms.

Watch, we don’t even talk to each other.

We can’t agree on how to spend our money, ever.

I just don’t know how much longer…

It is crazy hard.  This marriage thing.  Crazy hard.  I’ve been writing about the struggle as long as I’ve been writing.

You look from inside your hurting marriage and see the outside image other people project about their own marriages and think, wow, it’s so much easier for them.

I had one friend, who was sharing her hurts, say to me, but you and Bray, you just keep it alive and are still so in love.

Ha!  I laughed.  Not that we aren’t in love, yes we absolutely love each other, but let me tell you our marriage has just as many hurdles as yours!

Yes, we had a wonderful getaway this summer for a couple of days but even getting to the getaway was hard.  And then returning to real life and paying for the getaway was hard. 

Last August, we were in the middle of a tremendously hard place, and we bounced back, but we still fight. Because there is no way you are going to agree with someone every day for the rest of your life.  

That is what you do.  You live to fight another day. 

I was talking to my father in law at the farm a couple of weeks ago.  I love this man.  He’s just another awesome thing my hubby brought to our marriage.  Talk shifted from the oil business to marriage.  He and my mother in law have been married for 56 years.  FIFTY SIX YEARS. 

He will tell you, and was telling me over wine on the back porch, marriage is hard.  The seasons are gorgeous and then brutal.  So you just tell yourself, and your spouse, I am in this thing.  I am not leaving.  He and I sat outside, as the sun went down, talking honestly about the tough spots marriages find themselves in and how you push through.
(Obviously, I’m not talking about abusive relationships. But just the hardships of every marriage.)

There are marriages that look easy.  Romance and roses. They are not. It’s all Instagram-ed, Facebook-ed, photoshopped pictures.  You don’t see them when the bad news come.  When the job loss hits.  When the kids get sick or the parents die or one travels all the time or the money dries up. 

No one has a piece of cake marriage. No matter what you see or what you think.

So what do you do? 

My close friends and I were just discussing this.  When you feel on the brink in your marriage, how do you step back?

1. Kiss.  On the mouth.  Really kiss.  Not a passing peck.  For thirty days straight.  Do it in the morning or the evening or both.  But kiss.  In front of your kids.  Embarrass them.  Let them see what marriage can look like after years.

2. Say something nice.  For thirty days straight.  Say one nice thing to your spouse every single day.  Find a way to compliment them or thank them.  Focus on the good. Keep a journal if you need to make sure you don’t forget a day. 

3. Be in the same bed at the same time.  Without kids.  Intimacy will not fix the underlying hurts but it absolutely helps.  In order for that to happen, you have to be in bed at the same time and your kids have to already be in their own beds.  This can’t happen every single day, I realize.  We all travel or have sick kids you’re up with in the middle of the night (I just was last week).  But prioritize the same bed, same time, just you two, for thirty days straight. 

4. Use psychology 101 words to start talking.  There is a reason we teach our kids to say “I feel.” It shifts the conversation to what you are experiencing which can’t be challenged. I feel lonely when we don’t talk about our day after work. I feel disrespected when you roll your eyes at me. Whatever the thing is. Money, time, family, words, etc. Start the conversation. Recognize what your spouse does, I’m so grateful for… but also acknowledge where you all are struggling.

5. Be Honest. A friend of mine and I had a hearty laugh when she shared how she learned to manage expectations. When she was pregnant, she would get super emotional, and her husband did not know how to respond. By her simply saying, I don’t need you to do anything, I just need you to be here with me, she was able to let him know what she needed. I did that last week about work, can you just listen to this so I can unload it somewhere? Share where you are at and what you need. Don’t make them guess.

It’s imperfect. It’s three steps forward and two steps back. But hold on. Fight through the dark hours – there is sun up ahead.

The Harvey Roller Coaster, Part 2

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The rest of Wednesday was a blur.  (If you’re picking up our Harvey story now, you can read the first part here.)

Alicia, our lovely host, had a bustling house with helpers and friends for the kids. Bray half-drove/half-walked back into our side of the neighborhood before dinner and the waters rise appeared to be slowing.

Still no water in our house.  We texted nearby neighbors; “waters slowing” was the response.

I had an amazing group of prayer warriors around the country who had been praying since the weekend.  I quickly voxed them an update when FEMA arrived and then provided another update when the waters appeared to be holding.

Our other angel rescuers brought the whole crew from Alicia’s home to theirs for a delicious meal.  It was time for the evening briefing with Harris County and the Army Corps.  At 7:30, Bray and I stood transfixed in front of the television as the rest of the dinner guests milled in the background.

All three previous updates reported additional waters rising in Buffalo Bayou from the reservoirs.  Then this report:  we believe the Bayous will stabilize.  If your house is flooded, it will likely remain so for an additional two to three weeks.  If your house is not flooded, we do not expect any additional structure flooding.

I cried, once again.

The roller coaster of the day and the five solid nights of no sleep had worn me through, but I knew this was good.  If only I could believe it.  Good news had regularly been contradicted with bad. Bray and I clung to each other like life rafts.

Our dinner host gathered everyone in a circle in his living room to pray, including all our kids.  This is important for them to see, he said.  It was.

After he prayed, I fell to the ground to offer my own meager prayer.  I said a quick prayer of confession for embarrassing my kids with the tears and ground-dropping, but then offered our house to God’s service.  If we make it through this thing dry, then allow our house to be a place where we serve others.  A Hannah prayer.

I slipped out the door and left a similar report and prayer with my amazing national prayer team.  We weren’t out of the woods, but the news was good.

Bray and I slept, for the first time in nearly a week, Wednesday night at Alicia’s.

Thursday morning, the report from those closer to the street: the water is steady.  No more rising.  Thursday night, I had to see it for myself.  The rock, where Bray marked the highest water mark, was dry.  The water remained close, but it must have fallen a few inches.

So, we ate out.  Alicia had loaned us a car (ours remain trapped in the driveway) and we were able to travel south of our neighborhood for Mexican food.  Aside from looking like worn rats, it resembled something normal.

We moved back home on Friday.  One week after Hurricane Harvey began to attack our city.

We still couldn’t get onto our street.  It was, and is, flooded.  But we could park down the street and around the corner and carry our belongings back in with the help of the same angels who evacuated us.

I’ll finish sharing what happened in the days since Friday tomorrow.

It hasn’t been pain or guilt free, but there’s not been a moment we don’t thank God for this miracle.  And so many of you were a huge part of it.  Please know how tremendously grateful we are for all of you.  We don’t understand why we were three houses away from flooding and it stopped, but we are committed to sharing what resources we have with others as they rebuild.

Resources for Hurricane Harvey

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Okay, I know I have so much updating to write and I have basically been doing that exclusively on Facebook because it’s so quick.  I have almost zero time at a computer.

I will write about our family’s roller-coaster tomorrow.  But know, we are safe in an evacuation host home that is precious, and the house is DRY (we saw today).  For pictures, I’ll direct you to FB until I can get everything up here.  All my Hurricane posts are viewable by the public.

However, I want to make sure if you’re in an area from Corpus to Louisiana, you have resources.  Also, if you want to help well over a hundred thousand people in purgatory right now, I’ll give you some local info on how.

One of my closest friends, in an evacuation are herself, was working at her hospital today.  They provided a wonderful checklist for those who have suffered a loss in their home.  If you will click here, you will get the personal inventory checklist so you can get insurance reimbursement or FEMA reimbursement.  The inventory contains everything from fleece jackets to piggy banks.  There will be things not on there which you can add, and you’ll have an excel file to turn in for a claim.

If you are not in Houston, please keep in mind that MANY of us did not have flood insurance because were outside the 100 OR 500 year flood plain.  I know many personal cases like this.  We had no flood insurance. Utter devastation.  To rebuild, you essentially have to have two home loans.

In addition, my friend sent me three critical documents for you to have if you are needing assistance.  They are as follows:

  • a summary of key federal disaster aid programs;
  • hotel assistance from FEMA info; and,
  • the IRS publication regarding tax relief.

If you need these documents, email me at justgindi@hotmail.com.

Also, if you are in West Houston and know of a family who needs their clothes washed, a specific replacement item for their children, or fresh muffins and juice, please also email me at that address.

We are dry but on an total island so we will not have access to our cars for likely weeks.  So… I can cook and I can wash and I can organize resources, but I can’t practically serve a volunteer shift (I also have triplets currently out of school).  We plan to return home this weekend and we have power and water.  We can’t get to our street, more to come tomorrow, but we can get close enough to walk into the street.  My friend, and darling volunteer host home right now, has offered me an extra car so I can run missions where needed.

If you want to help most of my friends and neighbors, sit tight.  Many STILL cannot get into their homes to evaluate the depth of damage.  Water is standing and may for weeks.  I live in West Houston and the two reservoirs (which you prayed to hold, Addicks and Barker, and they did that!) are still releasing.  The government did their level best but we got 50 INCHES of rain from Friday to yesterday.  That is the equivalent of a 500 inch snow storm.  It’s enough to run Niagra Falls for 15 days.  Houston has already surpassed it’s annual rainfall total and it’s August and we live on the coast.

That means, while I do want to set up an Amazon list to get them supplies they specifically request, we just don’t know what’s needed everywhere yet. Until then, if you would like to donate cash, I would recommend these two resources which I know will provide local support to the greatest local needs:

JJ Watt’s charity which is already distributing support for those left in Harvey’s wake – https://www.youcaring.com/victimsofhurricaneharvey-915053

Houston Mayor and Harris County Judge have set up a Hurricane Harvey Relief Fund – https://ghcf.org/hurricane-relief/

I am donating to both.

Also, if you are in Houston, my church, Grace Pres at Westheimer in the Beltway, is taking donations tomorrow.  For more info, look here: http://gpch.org/harveydonations/.  BUT NOTE, it is hard to get to West Houston right now.  You have to come up and down Westheimer.  Beltway 8 is still underwater as is Memorial and Briar Forest (the streets to the North and South of my neighborhood).  So pack your patience.  And don’t try to get on the Beltway.

You have probably seen the articles, but people do not need worn clothes and oversized stuffed animals right now.  I’m sorry, but y’all, the devastation is beyond anything I have personally seen (and I know there are global tragedies beyond this but this is my first up close one).  Folks need practical supplies to box up stuff in their house and cleaning supplies and clean water and new school shoes for their kids whose shoes just floated away before the first day of school.  That’s right, Houston ISD had to cancel the FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL because it was this Monday and everyone was underwater.

In Houston, most children will go back to school on Wednesday.  I am trying to find out who needs new clothes or shoes before then so I can actually physically go pick it up and get it to them before they go back.

There are no words to express what the past week has been like or how I couldn’t have gotten through it without a MASSIVE community praying.  It matters.  Every prayer you prayed mattered.  I’m going to bed but I love you all and now the work begins.