Women

Day 3 and 4 – The Adventures of Kristin and Gindi

March 4, 2021 by Gindi Leave a Comment

Okay, so this was supposed to be Day 3. But our adventure story was so long, even longer than what I have here, that I allowed it to be Day 3 and 4.

Before the cancer diagnosis, a few of my God-sized Dreams girlfriends had planned a trip to one’s beach house in Florida in February. Of course, after the surgery was scheduled, I knew I wouldn’t be able to travel. So my best friend offered to travel here to see me after surgery and suggested renting a beach house in Galveston. I’d still get a little beach time and girl time to boot.

Given the short time to plan and both of our busy schedules, I couldn’t believe it came together. We found a gorgeous beach house for our adventure, and Kristin would arrive one week after my surgery for a long weekend in Galveston. Arriving Feb 11^th and leaving early on Monday, Feb 15^th.

Are you laughing already?

You are if you’re in Texas.

My husband says February is the most unpredictable weather month for Texas. But even so, we topped ourselves this time!

She and her wonderful daughter arrived without a hitch (well, with some significant bumps…), but we had ominous weather warnings. Nonetheless, after I got my drain removed at MD Anderson Friday morning, we packed up and headed south to Galveston to take in the ocean. It was gray, raining and cold. Not negative 40 Minnesota cold, which was what she left, but high 30s with rain and wind cold. Unpleasant.

Nonetheless, the girls enjoyed collecting shells on the beach and flying kites (K’s in 4^th grade and L’s in 5^th), for brief periods. Then returning to the cool house for hot cocoa and games. The upside down game may have been my favorite. The videos are hysterical. Plus we got to belatedly celebrate Kristin’s birthday and treat the girls to Starbucks and Chic Fil A in town.

By Saturday night, all of Texas was in near hysteria mode. I wish I had video of the newscast. So Kristin made the decision to delay her Monday morning flight to Tuesday afternoon. We figured that a 3 pm flight would be late enough to allow the ice to clear from our Texas roads. After hours on hold with Delta, she got through and made the switch!

Yea, an extra day with my best friend.

Not so fast. (Especially for Kristin!)

We stocked up on groceries in Galveston, having heard Houston shelves were already going bare, and we headed home on Sunday. We’d gotten some rest, laughed a ton, and they had lots of shells to return with stowed in luggage.

Little did we know that on Sunday the adventure was just beginning. By Sunday lunchtime, they had been in Houston just over 60 hours. They weren’t even half way there yet.

The girls, with lots of help from Kristin, made these fuzzy dogs, we roasted smores over our stove, and we watched t.v. We all still were relatively optimistic – about making it through the storm and Kristin’s return flight.

Monday morning, we woke to a winter wonderland. Snow covered the entire neighborhood. Because there was a thin layer of ice under the snow, according to reports, the girls played outside in the largely untouched whiteness. Reports came in of power outages across the state, but particularly in Houston. We felt so fortunate to be able to snuggle in our warm house, watching tv, calling family, while the girls played games.

Until 5 pm.

Power out.

Bray and the boys were at the ranch and unable to return home until Tuesday, at best, so Kristin and I started navigating the situation. He told us over the phone what nozzles and handles to switch and turn. We got our very out of shape natural gas fireplace going. Because I have a gas stove, we were able to warm food stovetop.

For the girls, it was still a bit of an exciting adventure. Lamps and fireplaces in the chilly dark. For Kristin and I, it meant less sleep and more concern. Meanwhile Delta canceled her Tuesday flight. (Kristin – when did this happen? Everything from Monday to Wednesday is a blur. I think they canceled it Tuesday morning, but maybe I’m wrong… I’m going with that story line.)

Tuesday we woke up to a very cold house. We didn’t keep the fireplace on overnight for safety reasons. The hallway thermostat read 42 or 52 degrees – I honestly can’t remember when it hit what.

You can see the adventure gets blurry. Tuesday is a complete blur. No power. Very little water, some faucets still had a small trickle. We’d filled up the bathtub and had water bottles but we were careful.

To add insult to injury, after the no power/water hiccup, we lost cell service. We could not talk or text from my house. We drove to a grocery store parking lot a few minutes away to get a signal. The first place we could find one. Mind you, we didn’t go in the grocery store because all the shelves were empty.

Kristin commented on the insanity. No power. No water. No cell service. No food. Where are we?

And if in fact I am right and her flight was canceled Tuesday morning, then it explains why, after being on hold with Delta for HOURS, the agent could not hear Kristin’s voice after coming on the line, so she was utterly unable to communicate with the airline. They sent an email saying she would fly out on Thursday. We just went with that and hoped for the best.

Also, WHAT A FREAKIN’ TROOPER.

Tuesday night: reinforcements.

Bray and the boys arrived with a heater, big old school lanterns, and fresh water. They’d picked their way from Refugio to Houston carefully and made it shortly after dark.

Good news, bad news. Good news: We would be warmer and more hydrated. Bad news: we went from four people in the living room huddled together to seven people. Two of those seven were 11 year old boys. Loud and physical 11 year old boys.

Ah, just what you bargained for, eh Kristin? Come see your friend post-surgery and get TRAPPED IN HELL FROZEN OVER!

Wednesday improved, other than the fact that Kristin’s family was suffering without her. Power came back from 10 am to 6 pm and then again at 11 pm, when it then stayed on. We were able to eat, warm up the house, and even play outside because finally THERE WAS SUN! I live in a sunny place. It was not sunny during her trip.

And of course, right after we had fixed dinner and invited neighbors over who didn’t have power, the power dropped again. Fortunately this time, it was only until evening. Then we were able to go sleep in rooms, in beds.

Poor Kristin and her daughter had no SHOWER access though. We warmed kettles of water and put them in a bucket in the shower and they sponged off so they wouldn’t be a wreck on the plane. Good night nurse!

Well, finally, after ALL OF THAT, I actually drove her and her mini me to the airport Thursday morning. Unbelievably, there was still ice on the road even though there hadn’t been precipitation in three days and there had been sun.

She and I firmly agree we need a new vacation. One free of stress and drama. Not my trip to Minnesota for a funeral and then running from a blizzard, and not her trip to Texas for cancer and then running from a winterpocalypse.

Just she and I. On a beach. Not in winter or hurricane season.

This is also our retirement plan. Regular meet ups on a travel neutral beach outside of major storm seasons. We’ll laugh too loud and wear bright swimsuits and crazy sunglasses and eat dinner at the senior special shrimp house down the road. Our husbands will be able to tolerate us because we take the crazy to each other.

Until then, any Kristin and Gindi adventure is better than none. (And we may allow our daughters to come every other time.) I’m inexpressibly grateful she was able to come. She helped so much and she also was there to care for little bit and I during the power outage when we would have been alone. Nonetheless, I think we’ve both earned a drama free trip to some place fantastic!

Day 2 – Sealed

March 2, 2021 by Gindi Leave a Comment

I wrote last week about my plans for a renewed focus on decrease this Lent.

In addition to writing that reminder on my doors and mirrors (He must increase, but I must decrease), I wanted to write some other scripture around the house.

I sat with the scripture and felt led to research “sealed” in the Bible. Not seals like those of Revelation, but how we are sealed in Him.

From Deuteronomy 29 to Ephesians 1, there were beautiful reminders. (The Lord is sealing you with an oath. You were marked with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit.)

But this is the one I keep coming back to: 2 Corinthians 1:22. The words in context say this:

But as surely as God is faithful, our message to you is not “Yes” and “No.” For the Son of God, Jesus Christ, who was preached among you …was not “Yes” and “No,” but in him it has always been “Yes.” For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ. And so through him the “Amen” is spoken by us to the glory of God. Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

Marked with a seal.

You may have seen in yesterday’s Day 1 post the markings all over my chest for radiation. The very first mark the technicians made last week is the one over my heart. In the center of my chest. A purple cross.

And when I lay down on that radiation table, I look up at the ceiling. Directly above me, a wooden cross. They don’t know it’s a cross. The purpose of the “cross” at MDA is to have a cut out, from wood, so a green laser beam can stream down onto my body. But when I look up, I see a cross.

Marked with a seal.

The seal of a cross is physically marked over my heart right now.

The door to my home bears this handwritten scripture.

A reminder.

No matter the circumstances.

We are sealed. Maybe not everyone gets a cool sharpie on them like me, but we are all sealed in Him. We say yes, and we are permanently and forever sealed. Held. Known. With hope for what’s to come.

Day 1

March 1, 2021 by Gindi 2 Comments

The threshold I will cross every morning.

I’m going to try to write every day of radiation.

Today was Day 1.

I will go in for radiation treatments 22 more days – Monday – Friday, 7:30 am. March 1 – March 31. February: get rid of present cancer. March: get rid of potential cancer.

It feels like a completeness schedule. One full month, exactly. The month our world turns the calendar on spring. Spring Break, even. (Of course, I can go nowhere because of daily radiation – if you have any local suggestions for a day out with my kids, I’m all ears.) Finishing exactly before Maundy Thursday and Easter weekend.

Last year, I wrote every day (almost) of February. So I figured I could do it again.

Writing is good discipline for me. It makes me sit still with my thoughts. It reminds me of what this season is.

Today, Monday, is gray and wet and chilly in Houston. I walked into radiation in a t-shirt and open-toed shoes, and walked out to nearly a 15 degree temperature drop. In 45 minutes!

I made green chicken enchiladas yesterday. It’s one of my specialties. I made extra pans for two special families. It’s been such a season of us being on the receiving end, I really needed to do something for someone else.

This is me today. On Day 1. I only managed to slap on a little powder and blush before driving to MD Anderson West and then returning home to work from our kitchen corner today. This is my chest. They cover me in sharpie marks to align the radiation machine. I lay on this hard board while a mammoth white machine moves over me. This is my bathroom counter; all the moisturizers friends have recommended to keep my skin in better shape. Everyone says moisturize, all the time. That will be work for me. I never remember to moisturize.

I’m going back into work now. It was good to be there last week.

I’m not quite yet able to make the commute every day, but I’m going in two to three days a week and am so happy to have the structure of the office.

I received my first dose of the COVID vaccine on Friday and am so thankful. MDA gave out the Pfizer vaccine on Friday, which is silently what I was rooting for, and I only had a sore arm for a day. My second dose is March 20th and then hopefully I’ll get to see my dad and stepmom. It’s been over a year and a half now – way too long. They are fully vaccinated so I just need to wrap up mine.

The boys and Bray went to the farm to work there over the weekend so little bit had her best pal over for a sleep over. It was such fun. I was telling my girlfriends that there will be a season, probably soon, when they don’t want me around, but right now we all had a blast. We played games and ordered in and watched movies and I cracked up as they performed plays in the den and mapped out their spirit outfits for school this week. It’s such a privilege to watch them grow and laugh with them.

I’m tired but thankful. Not tired from radiation (yet), but tired because I haven’t slept well the past few nights. But I’m ready to tackle this month.

Cancer Update

February 22, 2021 by Gindi 6 Comments

Not the most original blog post title, I will grant you. But it’s clear. I have a cancer update for you!

First, let me say thank you. Those words feel woefully inadequate. We are blown away by our incredible community who lavished provision on us during the past couple of months. Thank you for the cards, calls, texts, emails, flowers, sweet treats, meals, and even the shampoo (more on that later!).

I will never be able to send enough thank you notes to express how grateful we all are. The baby was playing with two friends last week and he came home and ask, “Mom, are you cancer free?” “YES!,” I replied (a little sad our communication wasn’t clearer)! “That’s what I thought,” he said smiling, “I told T and P when they asked and they cheered!”

The fact that we have elementary school boys cheering about God’s miracle provision just makes me smile and cry at the same time.

Before I share a little more, let me just say my journey won’t look like anyone else’s. I know that everyone’s cancer journey is totally different and I have so many friends that have very different stories. Double mastectomies, prolonged chemotherapy treatments, recurrences within the year, clinical trials, etc. I hope I know better how to care and love those battling this disease now, but my story looks different.

On February 1st, I laid out five prayer requests. Audacious but we have so many people praying. SO MANY – thank you! In fact, I made a map for the kids to show them how many states had someone praying for my cancer fight. (See map picture above! If you have been praying in a location that isn’t marked, would you drop me a comment? The kids and I have loved watching God’s coverage from coast to coast (and beyond)!)

I’m just going to lay out every single request and how God has answered!

Number 1 – clean COVID test. As you know, my entire family got COVID in January! Y’all, it is INSANE I did not get it. I stayed in the house with them the whole time. I tested on February 2nd and THAT NIGHT we got the negative test result back. It’s honestly a miracle. MDA would have canceled the surgery if it was positive. And what we didn’t know then, is it likely would have bene rescheduled for a couple of weeks out WHEN THE WINTERPOCALYPSE hit Houston! Thank you for praying for this.

Number 2 – the surgery on Thursday. The surgery went beautifully. First of all, Bray dropped me off at 7 am so I didn’t have to wait around all day with no food and water. The surgery started a little after 9 am and they were calling him to pick me up at 1:30.

The surgery was two parts. First, the oncological surgeon removed the tumor and my sentinel lymph nodes. The initial lab reports showed clean margins and no cancer in the lymph nodes but they had to be sent off to evaluate. Then, the plastic surgeon cut tissue out of my left breast and placed it in my right breast to even them out. In addition to cutting the center of the breasts, they also cut the underneath to “lift” them. Then they inserted a drain on my right side to drain fluids from my right breast to prevent infection.

Number 3 – Smooth recovery. It was as smooth as a moderately painful surgery can be. Mine was FAR LESS painful than my friends who have gone through mastectomies and multiple drains.

I was in discomfort the first week. The drain especially made it hard to get around or sleep. I have to wear a bra for six weeks and the pressure against the incisions hurt. Plus I couldn’t shower or wash my hair that first week without feeling like I would pass out.

However, the recovery went as it was supposed to with no complications. No infections. No extended drains because of fluid build up. And no clotting. All mercies over mercies.

Number 4 – The test results. Here is where I need you to SIT DOWN! The preliminary results were good. Then last week my oncological surgeon told me that they cleanly extracted the tumor without any remaining cancer (1.3 cm, stage 1 as they estimated). Further, the sentinel lymph nodes were completely clear; one of the two results we needed in order to avoid a course of chemotherapy.

But then, something I didn’t even know to pray for. My oncologist told me via video visit on Monday that 50% of the tumor was non-invasive. If you’ve been following my cancer posts, initially I was diagnosed with DCIS – an invasive ductal carcinoma. Half of it WASN’T EVEN INVASIVE. They never treat noninvasive cancer with chemo.

We’re not done. They have sent off the tumor for genomic testing. The oncologist said though that she believes the need for chemo is low. So much so that I’ve gone ahead and had my visit with radiation. The doctor will do a CT scan and mark me up on Wednesday in order to set out my treatment plan and I should begin a course of radiation the week of March 1st (three weeks of radiation of the right breast with a fourth week of a “booster” where the tumor was). Radiation side effects are fatigue and possible skin burn. I would certainly love continued prayers for the genomic test results and the radiation treatments.

Number 5 – A late add. My best friend’s arrival.

Ha – you prayed too hard!! If you followed us on the socials, you saw she arrived and then SHE STAYED. More on that sweet visit later this week, but Kristin and her daughter got in on February 11th. We had a very cold but fun visit down to Galveston for the weekend.

Then the polar vortex trapped all of Texas where they were with no power or water. Instead of flying out on Monday, she flew out on THURSDAY!

I loved having her but wished the conditions were more hospitable. And her family may never let her leave again! We’ve decided after our last couple of trips with weather calamity, we’re only traveling in April or October and then only to Florida!

There were so many other miracles that you can’t even see in this report. For example, on the 11th MDA canceled my 12th appointment to remove my drain. I was a wreck. Completely crying and melting down and leaving very sad sack messages with the MDA nurses. They fixed it and got me in even earlier in the day. Had I not gotten that drain out, I would have been stuck with it another entire week because of the weather closures.

Big and small, God COVERED US! You covered us! We are so overwhelmingly thankful.

Gratitude, and Learning to Receive

February 3, 2021 by Gindi 5 Comments

I’ve been practicing gratitude for years. I’m an optimist, so gratitude, seeing the good, is a tool I can implement. Receiving, on the other hand, is harder for me.

I’ve mentioned we grew up without a lot. Lots of love and community, but not a lot financially. We often were on the receiving end of many kind people’s donations – clothing, food, Christmas, etc. But as a result of that, by the time I was in my 20s, I felt strongly I never wanted to be on the receiving end. I’m more than happy to give, but if someone even wanted to buy me a cup of coffee, then I sought the opportunity to buy theirs the very next time.

At the worst of this struggle with receiving, it was almost like I kept a scorecard in my head so I wasn’t “taking.”

The past couple of months have taught me, and my husband, a lesson in learning to receive.

The outpouring of love and provision has honestly overwhelmed us.

I was voxing my best friend today because I was so overwhelmed I didn’t even feel like I could ask God for anything else because we had been given SO MUCH. She and I started discussing how we can both use these times in our lives when God rains down generosity in the hard seasons to testify to His goodness while simultaneously recognizing that is not everyone’s experience.

Everyone does not have a community to show up. Everyone does not have test results answered as they cried out for in the middle of the night. But she shared this as we talked: You have to be careful not to diminish God’s goodness or His ability to do something powerful in your situation just because there may be other people who are not getting the miracles that you are. Because the reality is that happens all the time. We saw miracles with Isaac [her son] and then we didn’t. But we saw miracles after his death too… If our story of God’s goodness and God’s love can draw people to Him, then it’s an honor to be able to walk that path.

So I wanted to write this down. Here. To lay down a marker and a reminder of His lavish goodness. To remind myself, when the miracles don’t always look like this.

I know not everyone has these answers to prayers. I recognize there is such suffering and prayers called out that don’t see answers like they had hoped (I know because that’s been me too). So I pray for others as I sit in hospital waiting rooms, lying on hard tables in operating gowns.

Here, today, I mark the goodness of God in our situation.

From the beginning, in December, people showed up. We had a pan of enchiladas from neighbors, a bag of items specially selected for me and the kids from law school friends who had polled survivors, we had flowers from parents of kids friends, and we had cookies, oh mercy did we have cookies (and bread!) from friends near and far.

And I was doing fine, better than fine, I was managing. Juggling. Doing the things. Until COVID hit. January 10th I fell apart. That’s when community utterly covered us in love and help. Before, we had affirmatively been turning down offers. Now, I weakly replied, “okay, thank you…”

For seven straight days, provision arrived. Baskets on the front door. Meals and meals. Treats to cheer. Parents from the kids school, colleagues, friends, neighbors, it was insane. On one day, we had delivery from our favorite Mexican spot, a bag full of frozen meals from a neighborhood eatery, cards, and two bags full of fresh fruit.

We were so completely covered in prayers and kindness during the double-C whammy last month.

Life normalized last week, then this week there was so much to pray over. I was particularly focused on yesterday’s COVID test coming back negative. It seemed insane that everyone in my house could have tested positive for COVID and I could have escaped it. Miraculous.

There’s a story in the Bible where a man asking for a miracle says, “Lord I believe, help my unbelief.” I felt like that. Lord, I believe this test can come back negative and heavens know so many are praying for that result so the surgery can proceed, but please help my unbelief…

People planned meals to cover us for the rest of this week. A dear friend is taking the boys on Friday to keep things a little less hectic on my first day post-op. All the moms from the kids grade delivered a gorgeous care package full of items that I’ll need for the reconstruction recovery. My best friend and her daughter are counting down the days until their arrival next week.

Bray and I even got an incredible surprise last night when our date night at one of our favorite spots and the check was covered by someone.

As I laid in an operating gown today, waiting for a dye injection so the surgeon could find my lymph nodes tomorrow, I didn’t even feel like I could pray. Tears leaked out of my eyes, ones I wasn’t even prepared for, and I said, God, it’s been too much. Too much goodness. Too much care. So many answers. I feel guilty. Greedy. I can’t even ask for this dye test to take on the first round because it seems insane to receive any more answers to prayers.

The good news is, God isn’t up in Heaven counting out blessings. Oops, seven for you this week – that’s too many. Need to make sure you don’t get any more… or Darnit, I can’t help Ron today because I took such good care of you…

I think sometimes that’s how we see Him though. We see everything so finitely.

But I’m learning. Tonight, three incredibly beautiful Godly women showed up on my back patio to pray over me. We’ve been in a discipleship group together since the fall. They are so precious to me. They laid their hands on me and prayed for God’s mercy and healing and for his blessings on my family and medical care team too. As we prayed, this wind blew through us and the wind chimes sang. The Spirit saying, I’m always enough. I have infinitely more than you need. Or ask. Or imagine. Let go. Trust me.

So I thank Him for his lavish provision. And I thank you for walking alongside me down this bumpy fork in the road.

We are reading through the Psalms as a family. Tomorrow is Psalm 23. Another gift. From a God of infinite mercies.