Gindi Vincent

The Dish on Career, Fashion, Faith, and Family

Leadership

Around the Table

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I have wanted to write about a conversation I had since the second it ended.  It ended two weeks ago.  And it happened around the table.  Only a different sort of table. 

The table of 2020 is Zoom. 

And the conversation was a leadership class meeting. 

Not where you would traditionally encounter authenticity and connection, but boy was it there. 

I’ve had the privilege of serving on the advisory council for the Institute for Energy Law’s Leadership Class this year.  I’ve been a speaker in the past, but this year I’ve actually gotten to work on the team building the curriculum.  This is the space I love to work in the most. 

Deep conversations with young leaders about communicating effectively, building inclusive environments, growing meaningful relationships and resiliency.  It was this last topic that was our monthly theme for October. 

As I led the discussion on resiliency, I shared not only the research on the topic (whatever it’s been called over the years – adaptability, growth mindset, grit, optimism, resiliency…) but also told stories from my own life.  If you are willing to share your own failures and setbacks, people can see a way through their own challenges to building a fulfilling career and life. 

You know it by now.  Parents divorced when I was in middle school, didn’t see my dad for years, lost all our belongings and mom on food stamps until she got a teaching job, went to school on grants and work study, tons of rejections in law school, lost a job after law school, and on and on until you get to me now. 

Plenty of setbacks. 

Well, we had this conversation, intimate and authentic, around a table.  Each of us at a different table, me at my kitchen table, all over Zoom.

Then, this breathtaking thing happened.  We broke into small groups.  Groups facilitated by advisory panel members.  My group had eight people. 

Each sharing their own stories of setbacks and failure in incredibly deeply real and unvarnished words.  Failing tests, abusive workplace, difficult family circumstance, getting fired, moving countries, long tenure without work. 

I could not believe it. 

None of us knew each other. 

This is the place I love to get to with those I meet – the real and deep story behind where they are today.  But usually it takes ages. 

An email came through from another advisory team member, which I didn’t see until afterwards, entitled THIS IS SO GREAT!  “The young leaders in my small group are sharing personal and difficult challenges.  Being very vulnerable. It is awesome.”

When did we get too scared to share our stories? 

When did we become so insecure or fearful or apprehensive that we would be rejected that we stopped telling the where and why of who we are? 

Resiliency is defined as the ability to recover from setbacks, adapt well to change, and keep going in the face of adversity.  How much fuel would it give us if we knew the true stories of those we see as “heroes?” 

I was listening to Annie Downs That Sounds Fun podcast with Gabe Lyons on the 2020 Election this week and, among other really insightful comments, he said this:

We have quieted ourselves.  We’re not sharing what we really think because we’re concerned the person doesn’t agree with us.  So we back away from having these real substantive conversations, we get really quiet.  15 years ago we’d battle it out, we were okay being wrong, we didn’t mind sharing.  Quieting isn’t good for society.  Share.  You don’t have to do it on social media.  Start saying this is off the record.  The greatest conversations of change happen around the table. 

What conversations should you be having? 

Who should you be encouraging by telling your truest stories? 

What table should you be sitting at? 

You all know I’m a big fan of the table.  I even started a little neighbors table in my front yard a while back because I hungered for these authentic conversations (even if it has been a little unused as of late). 

This is the perfect time for conversations of honesty and resiliency. 

People are lonely.  Disconnected.  Out of sorts. 

Maybe you can have these conversations at your front yard table or at your kitchen table over Zoom. 

But we should all be sitting around the table talking to one another.  Sharing what connects us.  Sharing our failures and setbacks that make us human and make us OVERCOMERS.  

Don’t let an angry election cycle and global pandemic shut down these important conversations. 

Have them.

You be the one to start. 

Go. 

Optimism

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Two good things happened this morning.

I had an early breakfast with a sweet friend.  I read part of Dave Asprey’s “46 life rules” in Game Changers. 

How are these two things alike?

They highlight optimism. 

Whenever I breakfast with this friend, I laugh.  We share similar faith and similar life ambition, and when we meet I laugh loud in a quiet breakfast spot nestled in corner of a bustling city. 

And Asprey?  Well, of all his 46 rules he has gathered from 450 expert ‘game changers,’ this is his biggest one: Practicing gratitude is the most profoundly transformative thing you can do. 

You know something else about gratitude?  It fuels optimism.  If you see the silver lining and find people and actions to be grateful for, then you can feel optimistic about the future. 

I am an optimist.  My friend, the lovely breakfast buddy from this morning, is an optimist.  She was telling me about her boyfriend who, if it’s possible, is even more of an optimist.  He’ll have a rough day, but he’ll recap with “it was good even though…”  He finds the silver lining even in those bad days. 

But I’m well aware not everyone is an optimist.  We are born with a certain set point – either more optimistic or more pessimistic.  The best news about that set point: it can change.  That’s right.  You’re not resigned to life as a pessimist (or a realist as my hubby likes to say) if that’s where you find yourself.  You can train your brain. 

I was thinking about that as I read through Asprey’s book, especially coming off of this particularly delightful optimistic breakfast.  How can more conversations flow like that one? 

I landed back at gratitude. 

Not only does gratitude grow optimism, it does a lot of other things.  For example, one of the other rules was “Fear is the Mind Killer!”  Yikes!  Basically the rule says you have to get past fear of failure. The best way to do that?  “Gratitude stops fear!”  How often is fear our biggest struggle?  Yet there’s actually medical evidence (a long explanation about your parasympathetic nervous system) which shows you can boost resilience and reduce stress by listing three things you’re thankful for before you go to sleep.  (I guess Bobby McFerrin was on to something with his little Don’t Worry, Be Happy.)

I looked at all the rules that had an optimism or gratitude component.  Tons of them.  Rule 33: Happy People are Successful!  Rule 3: Eliminate Words that Undermine Your Strength. Rule 32: Money Doesn’t Motivate Game Changers.  How is that one linked to optimism?  Just that Rule 32-ers don’t operate out of a scarcity mind set, but they focus on amassing joy not money.  Joy = Optimism.  Note, joy is not circumstantial.  Joy exists, as does optimism, even when the circumstances around you are challenging. 

As I left for a birthday dinner for a close friend Saturday night, little bit said, “mommy, just don’t laugh so loud.”  Ha!  (Imagine that ha in a very loud voice.)  Sorry little bit, mommy is going to keep laughing loud, and probably embarrassing you more than you can count, but I’m an optimist.  And a loud optimist at that.  Hopefully, years from now, the sound of my loud optimistic laughter will make you smile and even laugh yourself. 

Let’s practice moving our set point one more degree towards optimism.  Let’s encourage our kids to move their set point to optimism.  Those simple dinnertime conversations?  I REQURE them to tell me something good that happened before they can tell me the bad.  Just last night, one said, I don’t have anything good, it was a bad day.

Oh no bud, you ALWAYS have something good, and we’re going to start with that.  Let’s all start from there. 

Practice gratitude. 

Choose joy. 

Net-Work or Connect-For?

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Every year for the past several years, I’ve had the great fun of speaking at a leadership academy in San Antonio that’s the brain child of a cool woman who’s become a dear friend.

Today, we were talking about important relationships for leaderships and developing networks.

Lately, I’ve spoken a lot about networks and why I think networking is a misnomer. Think about it. Who wants to “network?” It makes you imagine a large net with trapped fish and, well, WORK!

And the reality is, if you are networking to build your career “just” to network, then it isn’t likely to bring you much value. It’s purposeless and therefore unlikely to yield strategic results.

But if instead, we make it about connecting, it starts to become a little less intimidating. I brand this exercise, “Connect-For.” When we look at what we’re connecting FOR, then we become a lot more likely to want to do it and to enjoy it once we’re in an environment with new people.

So how do we figure out how to connect purposefully and build that, dare we say, ‘network?’

Let’s look at four questions we should answer before connecting: Why, Who, Where, and How?

First up, WHY? What’s the point? Well, there really is a point. Have you ever moved to a new city and need connections there? Are you passionate about something (animals, children’s education, gardening) and you want to learn more or find like-minded people? Do you want to move into a new industry and need to learn more about it? Are you trying to grow in your career in your company and want to understand how things work?

There are lots of reasons WHY you need to expand your connections. But unless you sit down with a paper and pen and write down what’s important to you and where you have gaps in your connections, you’ll never know. Without knowing the motivation for your action, you won’t be focused, know who to look for, or where to start looking.

Once you know the why, you need to ask WHO you should be connecting with. There are three broad categories: within your company, within your industry but outside your company, and within your area of passion (e.g., running, sports, arts, food, etc.). Make a chart. Put these areas on the left column. Then, across the top row, put these three categories: Senior, Peer, and Junior.

Do you have folks names in each of those buckets? Are you building up someone junior to you in your company? Are you connecting with an executive in your industry? Do you have friends that like the same things you like? You don’t need a dozen folks for each of these categories. In fact, you probably shouldn’t have that many because heavens know you can’t keep up with them all. But if you have no one’s name in one of these categories, then you have identified a hole in your connections. One you can strategically set out to fill.

Once you know the why and who of connecting, it’s time to figure out the where and how. The WHERE depends entirely on who you are: a planner or last minute actor, a goal setter or activist, the life of the party or quiet conversationalist. I love getting to know someone. Poor co-workers who travel with me get pulled into the deep end fast. I find out about their relationships, their background, their family, their interests, etc. No light-hearted weather conversation for me. No sirree. So bopping from person to person with cocktail conversation in a crowded room is not a good fit for me. But it may be perfect for you.

When you have figured out the forums that are most comfortable to you, then cast a broad net over where you find new connections. Industry associations, professional groups, alumni associations, faith or community organizations, kid sporting events, etc. The list is endless. Identify places that play well to your strengths (volunteering) at a place you’ll encounter folks who could fill in your connection gaps.

Finally, that gets us to the HOW. First things first, DO IT. If you’ve taken the time to strategize about how to build a more powerful connection base, then you need to do it. Set goals. Put smaller target goals on your calendar and also calendar activities.

I keep a standing “lunch with friends” on my outlook calendar on Fridays from 11:30 to 1. I don’t always take it but this enables me to keep the time open for connection activities. These connection activities are the first things to fall off our priority list otherwise. Find ways to support, help, or otherwise connect new people you meet. Set out to find commonalities you have with new connections. You absolutely have them, and you usually can find them when you’re looking.

Most of all, be patient. Relationships take a long time to build. In a Twitter, cell phone, high-speed Internet era, we expect everything to happen fast. Relationships don’t. They take time to build. Time to develop trust and reliability. Most research says it takes seven to ten independent connection points to actually cement a relationship. So hang in there. And be intentional. It will pay off.

Connection Before Content

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I frustratedly sat in a leadership class last week.

Lots of work sat on my to do list and my email inbox grew every day I didn’t have access to quiet time to research and respond.

I listened, of course, if nothing else out of societal politeness.  Normally I love these things but the week had high potential to be a bear.  I craved four hours to read documents and dig out.

Then the trainers used this quote from Peter Block, a well known author and consultant:

Relationship and connectedness are the pre-condition for change. Every meeting, every process, every training program has to get people connected first. Otherwise, the content falls on deaf ears.

Connection first.

I love that.

And I get that too.  Don’t you?

How often have you sat in a meeting with a roomful of people you don’t really know and the meeting organizer launches into hard core content.  Let’s do this.  How do we tackle this? What are the annual goals based on these projections? Solve world hunger.

Okay, maybe not the last one, but it feels like it when you jump into a meeting unconnected.

How do you, as a leader, fix the disconnect?

Here are three tips customized for the size of your audience:

For the “small” meeting (15 or less) – Get Them Talking! If there is a way to connect their personal experience to what the content will be, then you can engage them from the start.  And once they share that, then they find unrealized commonalities.

I just had to run a fairly dull training on contracts for sales people. There were 10 people in the room who didn’t know each other. And I had to talk for two hours.  UGH!  Connectedness was going to be key to keep them awake.  So I had them answer three questions: name, what their role was, and a memorable personal contract they signed.  I realized that last one might be a bit of a stumper so I led with my own story.  I didn’t learn to drive until after I graduated from law school and I bought my first car right before starting at my first job.  That little Honda Civic cost me WAY more than it should have because I had no idea how to negotiate a car contract (thanks law school!) and got stuck with a big interest rate.  Once they could see the day to day aspect of the content in their own life, the HOPE was they could connect to the learnings.

For the “medium” meeting (15-40ish) – Find A (Quick) Hook!  One of my many struggles is frustration at inefficiency.  I like to go fast.  Answers given quickly.  Problems solved expeditiously.  Stepping into a meeting that meanders or doesn’t get to the point drives me up the wall.  Slow down sister!  (This month’s life “app” in Sunday School was patience – talk about a word I needed!)

Even though I can go TOO fast, you will also lose people if you spend a quarter of the meeting on building “connections.” When the room gets bigger, find easier ways to connect folks.  Depending on the room structure, you can break folks up into groups.  The leadership workshop I attended used the tables where we sat.  Each of the six tables of five people discussed an engaging topic for a couple of minutes.  Because our meeting was all day, the leader selected a couple of tables to have one person share the story or learning.  If your meeting is only two hours, maybe those couple of minutes of connecting people in their proximity will prepare them to engage on content.

For the “large” meeting (conference crowds) – Get Them Writing!  I’ve had the privilege of speaking at large conferences.  Nothing is trickier than connecting with hundreds of attendees in a ballroom.  They may have come to hear you, but they may have come to hear another speaker and they are just biding their time and will “get through” your talk.  You have the power to turn that around.

I love to get folks writing. It’s easy when you’re at a conference when there are notepads or sticky notes.  But even at most meetings participants come armed with a notebook. Find a way to personalize one aspect of the content and ask participants to write down X. Give them a minute to do it too.  If it’s more than 30 minute keynote, you can even have them share a tidbit with their neighbor (don’t ask them to write down their biggest failure!).

At one speech, I had everyone write down one leadership characteristic as well as a person’s name they considered a leader.  Then I asked them to rip out the sheet of paper, crumple it up, and bring it to the front to throw away.  I wanted everyone to get rid of any preconceived notions they had of what leadership required and come to the next hour with a fresh perspective.  The activity only took a couple of minutes and not only did it personalize the topic for them but it also got them up and moving.  Long conferences are the worst.  If you speak in the middle of the day, have people stand up, stretch, and tell the person sitting behind them their favorite song (or movie or pet or food)…  Something to wake folks up and build a new connection.

So the next time you go tackle a meeting, bring connection before content. Whether it’s 5 or 500, you’ll find engagement soars once people feel part of something bigger.

Confident Humility

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True humility is not thinking less of yourself,
it is thinking of yourself less.
Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life

I’ve previously found two concepts in parallel universes of my life at conflict with one another.

Leadership speeches and blog posts and, heck, entire books touted the importance of confidence.  Be confident. Have confidence. Stride boldly into your passion (or promotion or potential or whatever equivalently inspirational p-term chosen).

Christian speakers or writers, on the other hand, emphasized humility.  Humble yourself and see your weakness and blessed are the meek.

Before I get too far, let me say God is way smarter than me and what He says through scripture is true.  At the same time, mere humans can twist words to mean what they believe or perceive.  I can certainly do that.  We read scripture through our own lens.

So how to square the concepts of confidence and humility?

Take Rick’s advice to heart.

Humility isn’t disliking yourself! Humility just means you think of others more.

Have you ever talked to someone where you felt utterly heard?  You have friends who remember your daughter had a dance or you vacationed at a national park and lead conversations from a place of curiosity about others. You also have friends who lead the conversation with stories about themselves, only leaving the last five minutes to give others a voice.

Those in the first category could be completely confident, and actually probably are, but think less of themselves. They care about others and have an authentic curiosity which drives them to listen.  The latter friends may have the greatest need for validation or suffer from low self-esteem.  Whether we are introverts or extroverts, humility is not determined by how we value ourselves but rather how we value others.

Leaders wanting to lead consistently with their faith values CAN lead confidently, SHOULD lead confidently, and MUST lead confidently.  How many times does a scripture command: Be strong and courageous.  

Rick Warren’s quote often gets attributed to C.S. Lewis.  It’s not his, but Lewis had plenty to say on the topic.  In Mere Christianity, Lewis wrote::

Do not imagine that if you meet a really humble man he will be what most people call ‘humble’ nowadays. He will not be a sort of smarmy person who is always telling you that, of course, he is nobody. Probably all you will think about him is that he seemed a cheerful, intelligent chap who took a real interest in what you said to him. If you do dislike him it will be because you feel a little envious of anyone who seems to enjoy life so easily. He will not be thinking about humility: he will not be thinking about himself at all.

We are called to humility.  But read in context, the command often means one of two things.  One, we cannot think of ourselves higher than God.  Two, we should not be vain or haughty (a word we don’t use as much anymore, but spot on: arrogantly superior).

We are ALSO called to confidence.  Think of Paul’s directive: being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. (Phil 1:6)  We are explicitly called to confidence in the works God is doing in us here on Earth.

Confidence. Courage. Strength.  Attributes not just of a leader but of a leader true to his or her faith.

The two concepts co-exist in faith and in leadership.  The servant leader about whom much has been written well outside of faith circles?  That leader is humble.  And that leader wouldn’t be leading if she also wasn’t confident.

So let’s stop second guessing ourselves, and instead let’s focus on others.  Confident humility can help you navigate whatever challenges arise.