Gindi Vincent

The Dish on Career, Fashion, Faith, and Family

Leadership

Connection Before Content

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I frustratedly sat in a leadership class last week.

Lots of work sat on my to do list and my email inbox grew every day I didn’t have access to quiet time to research and respond.

I listened, of course, if nothing else out of societal politeness.  Normally I love these things but the week had high potential to be a bear.  I craved four hours to read documents and dig out.

Then the trainers used this quote from Peter Block, a well known author and consultant:

Relationship and connectedness are the pre-condition for change. Every meeting, every process, every training program has to get people connected first. Otherwise, the content falls on deaf ears.

Connection first.

I love that.

And I get that too.  Don’t you?

How often have you sat in a meeting with a roomful of people you don’t really know and the meeting organizer launches into hard core content.  Let’s do this.  How do we tackle this? What are the annual goals based on these projections? Solve world hunger.

Okay, maybe not the last one, but it feels like it when you jump into a meeting unconnected.

How do you, as a leader, fix the disconnect?

Here are three tips customized for the size of your audience:

For the “small” meeting (15 or less) – Get Them Talking! If there is a way to connect their personal experience to what the content will be, then you can engage them from the start.  And once they share that, then they find unrealized commonalities.

I just had to run a fairly dull training on contracts for sales people. There were 10 people in the room who didn’t know each other. And I had to talk for two hours.  UGH!  Connectedness was going to be key to keep them awake.  So I had them answer three questions: name, what their role was, and a memorable personal contract they signed.  I realized that last one might be a bit of a stumper so I led with my own story.  I didn’t learn to drive until after I graduated from law school and I bought my first car right before starting at my first job.  That little Honda Civic cost me WAY more than it should have because I had no idea how to negotiate a car contract (thanks law school!) and got stuck with a big interest rate.  Once they could see the day to day aspect of the content in their own life, the HOPE was they could connect to the learnings.

For the “medium” meeting (15-40ish) – Find A (Quick) Hook!  One of my many struggles is frustration at inefficiency.  I like to go fast.  Answers given quickly.  Problems solved expeditiously.  Stepping into a meeting that meanders or doesn’t get to the point drives me up the wall.  Slow down sister!  (This month’s life “app” in Sunday School was patience – talk about a word I needed!)

Even though I can go TOO fast, you will also lose people if you spend a quarter of the meeting on building “connections.” When the room gets bigger, find easier ways to connect folks.  Depending on the room structure, you can break folks up into groups.  The leadership workshop I attended used the tables where we sat.  Each of the six tables of five people discussed an engaging topic for a couple of minutes.  Because our meeting was all day, the leader selected a couple of tables to have one person share the story or learning.  If your meeting is only two hours, maybe those couple of minutes of connecting people in their proximity will prepare them to engage on content.

For the “large” meeting (conference crowds) – Get Them Writing!  I’ve had the privilege of speaking at large conferences.  Nothing is trickier than connecting with hundreds of attendees in a ballroom.  They may have come to hear you, but they may have come to hear another speaker and they are just biding their time and will “get through” your talk.  You have the power to turn that around.

I love to get folks writing. It’s easy when you’re at a conference when there are notepads or sticky notes.  But even at most meetings participants come armed with a notebook. Find a way to personalize one aspect of the content and ask participants to write down X. Give them a minute to do it too.  If it’s more than 30 minute keynote, you can even have them share a tidbit with their neighbor (don’t ask them to write down their biggest failure!).

At one speech, I had everyone write down one leadership characteristic as well as a person’s name they considered a leader.  Then I asked them to rip out the sheet of paper, crumple it up, and bring it to the front to throw away.  I wanted everyone to get rid of any preconceived notions they had of what leadership required and come to the next hour with a fresh perspective.  The activity only took a couple of minutes and not only did it personalize the topic for them but it also got them up and moving.  Long conferences are the worst.  If you speak in the middle of the day, have people stand up, stretch, and tell the person sitting behind them their favorite song (or movie or pet or food)…  Something to wake folks up and build a new connection.

So the next time you go tackle a meeting, bring connection before content. Whether it’s 5 or 500, you’ll find engagement soars once people feel part of something bigger.

Confident Humility

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True humility is not thinking less of yourself,
it is thinking of yourself less.
Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life

I’ve previously found two concepts in parallel universes of my life at conflict with one another.

Leadership speeches and blog posts and, heck, entire books touted the importance of confidence.  Be confident. Have confidence. Stride boldly into your passion (or promotion or potential or whatever equivalently inspirational p-term chosen).

Christian speakers or writers, on the other hand, emphasized humility.  Humble yourself and see your weakness and blessed are the meek.

Before I get too far, let me say God is way smarter than me and what He says through scripture is true.  At the same time, mere humans can twist words to mean what they believe or perceive.  I can certainly do that.  We read scripture through our own lens.

So how to square the concepts of confidence and humility?

Take Rick’s advice to heart.

Humility isn’t disliking yourself! Humility just means you think of others more.

Have you ever talked to someone where you felt utterly heard?  You have friends who remember your daughter had a dance or you vacationed at a national park and lead conversations from a place of curiosity about others. You also have friends who lead the conversation with stories about themselves, only leaving the last five minutes to give others a voice.

Those in the first category could be completely confident, and actually probably are, but think less of themselves. They care about others and have an authentic curiosity which drives them to listen.  The latter friends may have the greatest need for validation or suffer from low self-esteem.  Whether we are introverts or extroverts, humility is not determined by how we value ourselves but rather how we value others.

Leaders wanting to lead consistently with their faith values CAN lead confidently, SHOULD lead confidently, and MUST lead confidently.  How many times does a scripture command: Be strong and courageous.  

Rick Warren’s quote often gets attributed to C.S. Lewis.  It’s not his, but Lewis had plenty to say on the topic.  In Mere Christianity, Lewis wrote::

Do not imagine that if you meet a really humble man he will be what most people call ‘humble’ nowadays. He will not be a sort of smarmy person who is always telling you that, of course, he is nobody. Probably all you will think about him is that he seemed a cheerful, intelligent chap who took a real interest in what you said to him. If you do dislike him it will be because you feel a little envious of anyone who seems to enjoy life so easily. He will not be thinking about humility: he will not be thinking about himself at all.

We are called to humility.  But read in context, the command often means one of two things.  One, we cannot think of ourselves higher than God.  Two, we should not be vain or haughty (a word we don’t use as much anymore, but spot on: arrogantly superior).

We are ALSO called to confidence.  Think of Paul’s directive: being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. (Phil 1:6)  We are explicitly called to confidence in the works God is doing in us here on Earth.

Confidence. Courage. Strength.  Attributes not just of a leader but of a leader true to his or her faith.

The two concepts co-exist in faith and in leadership.  The servant leader about whom much has been written well outside of faith circles?  That leader is humble.  And that leader wouldn’t be leading if she also wasn’t confident.

So let’s stop second guessing ourselves, and instead let’s focus on others.  Confident humility can help you navigate whatever challenges arise.

A Pilgrim’s Journey

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One of the perks of my job is access to GetAbstract.  It’s an amazing tool which allows you to preview leadership, business, and economics books in a five page summary.

Each week, GetAbstract sends me an email with a book recommendation.  The recommendations are random.  Most of the time I delete them.  Sometimes I read them.  Sometimes it reminds me to go look on the website to preview other books.

Today, I received a preview of The Camino Way: Lessons in Leadership from a Walk Across Spain.  The email tickler said “Victor Prince took a month-long sabbatical to hike across northern Spain as a pilgrim on El Camino de Santiago.  He describes many ways the Camino changed his perspectives on life and leadership…”

A pilgrim’s journey.

Intrigued immediately, I opened the PDF preview.

I couldn’t stop reading.  The tickler caused me to devour the five page summary which caused me to investigate the Path of Santiago.

Located in northwest Spain, El Camino de Santiago is a 500 mile pilgrimage route to the tomb of the apostle Saint James.  There are several versions of how the apostle came to rest in this town, but since the 9th century pilgrims have journeyed to the shrine.

The scallop shell has served as the symbol for El Camino because of the lore surrounding how James’ body arrived.  But it has taken on symbolic importance for both the journey and the journeyman.  The grooves in the shell, which meet at a single point, represent the various routes pilgrims traveled to arrive at the final destination.  As to the pilgrim, as the waves of the ocean wash scallop shells onto the shores, God’s hand also guides the pilgrims to Santiago.

As I sat, completely taken in and debating how quickly I could fly to Spain to make the journey, I returned to the summary of Prince’s lessons.

They were equally thought-provoking.

First, Prince’s trek resulted in him finding new lessons for him to apply to his own life.  Averaging 15 miles a day, he journeyed with follow pilgrims and offers six insights, many of which reminded me where my own journey veers off course.  Among them are to allow alone time each day for self-reflection and engage in easy interactions with strangers to create encounters with those different from you.

Then came the blockbusters.  As a part of the journey, travelers are given a “pilgrim’s passport” which grants them entry to low-cost accommodations and marks the stops on your journey with stamps.  On the back, are seven reminders:

  • Welcome each day, it’s pleasures and its challenges.
  • Make others feel welcome.
  • Live in the moment.
  • Share.
  • Feel the spirit of those who have come before you.
  • Appreciate those who walk with you today.
  • Imagine those who will follow you.

I’m unpacking what those could look like over the next few weeks.  How we could all change our perspective a bit from this pilgrim’s journey.

And I’m trying to find a way to voyage to El Camino de Santiago.

Essential Relationships

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All the elements of savvy leadership are founded on, and supported by, essential relationships.

I’ve seen at least five categories of relationships emerging and successful leaders have:

  1.  The sponsors.  All the leadership research shows leaders cannot truly move forward without sponsors.  A sponsor may not know about your kids and your weekend activities, and in fact they probably shouldn’t, but they’re willing to spend political capital to advance your career.  Sponsors are savvy.  They won’t risk their reputation unless your worth it.  So for sponsors to recommend you for the promotion  or project, they need to know you will over deliver and impress the executives and the clients.  Sponsors don’t come overnight.  You’ve proven yourself over time when these essential relationships truly grow.
  2. The mentors.  While sponsors may help you climb the ladder, mentors help you figure out what ladder, or jungle gym, or race track you need to be on.  Mentors do know about your personal life and your priorities and life goals.  Mentors see past immediate opportunities. They help you remember to look from 10,000 feet up to see if you’re still headed in a direction which matches your dreams and values.  Mentors are never a one way relationship.  In fact NO relationship should be.  You should offer to support and help mentors, and sponsors, and advance their goals and achievements in any way possible.  All successful relationships are founded on mutual admiration and support.
  3. The peer network.  The individuals may be in similar career stages in similar industries.  These aren’t your best friends but people you enjoy hanging out with and who are in similar life stages.  I have friends who are in house attorneys at energy companies with families.  When we meet up, the insight we can offer one another is tremendous. We truly understand the place the other is in and the competing demands we have for our limited time.
  4. The diverse friends.  These are good friends who you can trust.  They come from different backgrounds, different socio-economic experiences, different phases of your life, and do different things in different geographic regions.  They help remind you your perspective isn’t everyone’s perspective.  From the small things to the big things, they remind you of the world at large. They also help you to laugh and step away from the career conversations.  From faith to fashion to family (just like my little blog randomness), these folks feed the important parts of your spirit and mind.
  5. The mentees.  That’s what I’ll call those you give back to.  No matter whether you are a CEO of a company or a first year career hire, there are those who need your support.  From school aged to soon-to-be college grads to muddled mid-year career folks, there is always someone who would love your perspective and encouragement.  Just as I believe you’re never to old to be mentored, I also believe you’re never to young to mentor others.  Find someone to encourage along the way this week!

Delighted to be sharing about relationships with the women of LEAD Academy this week, so I’d love to hear what you have to say.  How did you find key career relationships?  What do your friends do to help you keep your priorities in line?  Who else should you have in your life?

Lead With Your Ears

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“No one speaks twice until everyone’s been once around.”

I’d hopped in the car to run to the grocery store when an NPR interview crackled on the radio.  The conversation was well in progress as the reporter intently quizzed a Supreme Court Justice on how the court managed its differing views.

The justice explained how the nine members of the Court maintained respectful and friendly relationships even with their widely differing views.  We listen to one another.  No one raises their voice.  And no one speaks twice until we’ve been once around the room. 

He went on to explain that compromise is not just splitting the difference between the two points.  It’s truly listening and understanding the other’s viewpoint and then incorporating that perspective into decisions.

Less than two days later, I heard this Bible verse recited by one of our pastors:

Post this at all the intersections, dear friends: Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue, and let anger straggle along in the rear. (James 1 – The Message translation)

Lead with your ears.

Don’t speak again until everyone has been heard.

Can you imagine what would happen if that radical notion took hold?

2016 would have looked a lot different.

Facebook and Twitter would look a lot different.

Politics, marketing, civil unrest, the dinner table, our churches, the break room, would all look, and SOUND, totally different.

When I was interviewing women leaders for my book, Learning to Lead, one executive shared that active listening was the best advice she could give to emerging leaders.  She encouraged everyone to create space for team members to be individually heard, and not shot down.  Respecting other’s opinions, even if the organization didn’t ultimately agree, would develop a respectful environment and loyalty to the leader.

If everyone from a Supreme Court Justice to the Bible encourages listening as the most effective, then why are we all shouting instead?

Does it make us feel important?  Heard? Understood?  Victorious?

I honestly don’t know.

I know I have done it a million times before though.  As someone is speaking, I’ve been thinking about a response in my head instead of singularly focusing on their words and perspective.

Let’s all try this for 2017: from social media to carpool and from the board room to the bedroom, let’s listen.  Stop interrupting.  Stop multi-tasking.  Lead with your ears.  Make eye contact.  Let the person, or room know, the speaker is being heard.

What if we got crazy about this?  What if we put our phones down and closed our computers when we went to a conference and actually heard what the speaker was saying?  What if we listened to our children and our preachers and our friends with singular attention?

Would we hear those quiet and distant voices whispering for help?  If our mouth is shut, it might be easier to hear them.  We could act instead of just talk about what to do.

Listen.  Lead with our ears.  Watch crazy changes unfold.