Gindi Vincent

The Dish on Career, Fashion, Faith, and Family

Leadership

Boundary Boss: Time Blocks

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Welcome back to our periodic column on boundary setting!  Last week, we talked about setting limits when people say things they shouldn’t.

Today, we’re talking about setting limits with our time.  There are a lot of topics which fall under this category, and it is easily the foundation for the questions I get asked most.

One of the simpler time questions is how do I find time to: (1) get caught up on my work with all these calls/meetings, (2) meet someone for lunch a few times a month, (3) do business/professional development?

It’s true.  Certainly when you work in a company, calendar items just pop up on your Outlook calendar because folks see “an opening” even if it was the half hour you were going to grab a sandwich.

Even if you work in an environment where folks don’t have access to your calendar, the inevitable pile up of meetings and conference calls crowd out your ability to do any “thinking” work much less squeeze in social or professional time.

Here are a few tips for making your work/extras load manageable:

1. Block recurring weekly appointment on the Outlook calendar from 11:30 am to 1 pm on Fridays.  This is a strategy I have used for two years. There are times when that appointment has to give for work travel or an emergency situation (and the day may not be Fridays for you, but it’s the best one for me), but generally that block of time is sacred. I use it to meet friends for lunch or to catch up on family or administrative matters or just to listen to songs or a talk I’ve had on my to-do list.  That time is a precious gift.

2. Granted, an hour and a half isn’t long, so I encouraged my girlfriend who runs a small law office to employ a different strategy.  She and her partner are so busy taking client meetings and hosting three hour client deliveries, their backlog of delivery work often overwhelms them.  For her, I advised block out Friday as your “no appointment” day.  DO NOT take appointments that day.  Make it an office policy.  You can never dig out of being buried without uninterrupted hours;  that, in turn, helps you serve your other clients/business lines by doing the thinking and research and written work necessary to support those meetings the rest of the week.

3.  Ask if you are a required participant.  So many of us getting meeting invites for two hour meetings or calls where there are over a dozen participants.  If we’re needed at all, and sometimes we’re not, it’s for five minutes on the agenda.  If you are required, ask for an agenda.  Often, if there’s a long meeting, you are only needed for a half hour.  If you host these mega-meetings, create agendas.  Not only does it keep you on track, and help redirect people on rabbit trails, but it allows you to grant people the option of only attending the part relevant to them.  You will be a superhero.

These are just a few of the tried and true time block tips and tricks.  What has worked for you?  What is your boundary challenge?

Boundary Boss, Talk to the Hand

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I used to really struggle with setting boundaries.

I certainly don’t have the boundary-drawing down perfectly, but I’ve made progress.  Maybe it’s maturing or passing 40 or just not being quite as merciful as some of my incredibly gracious girlfriends.

As a result, I end up getting phone calls and texts and Voxers (seriously, you all need this app) and emails about issues cropping up in their lives around a singular issue:  BOUNDARIES.

It is hard.  This saying no and setting limits and creating priorities that aren’t negotiable.

However, it is SO valuable and you live a better life once you’ve begun setting boundaries well.

So, there’s going to be a little column here every once in a while called Boundary Boss!  Think of it as a Dear Abby/Gindi column for issues around boundary-setting.

I’ll take examples from my friends as well as from you dear readers – email the situation in via the contact form and I’ll take them up (anonymously!).

Today, we’ll take up an issue important, but hard, to establish boundaries in order to sustain your mental and emotional health.

Getting the smack talk. 

Okay, so maybe that’s not the technical term, but you know what I’m talking about.  When someone feels the need to “overshare” why they don’t like an event you are running or a mannerism of yours or your family dinner style or whatever the case may be.

And to clarify, there are two things I am NOT talking about.  One, I am not talking about random people criticizing you on social media, etc.  In various leadership roles, I’ve got the negative Tweet or post or comment.  If they’re just attacking, I ignore them.  I know the people who love me have my back, and I turn off the voices of people not really in my life.  (That’s its own boundary.)

I am also not talking about people who you trust providing constructive criticism on an area in your life where it adds value.  For example, your boss giving you annual reviews or your friend expressing some concerns about the way you are being treated by a boyfriend.

This smack talk example cropped up when one of my friends, we’ll call her Pam, had someone Pam considered a friend approach her at an event Pam had planned.  She started telling Pam what was wrong with the event.

Y’all, that is not a friend.

Plus, you don’t have to stand there and take it.

But you don’t have to be rude either.

I call the boundary-setting technique, “talk to the hand.”  (Because I’m just that pithy.)

Pretend you are at an event that you and your friends planned.  Your “friend” comes up to complain how far the venue is or the music is too loud or the co-leaders are really disorganized.  You can simply raise your hand and say, “I can’t hear this right now.”  Then walk to where you need to be next, ideally next to your handsome hubby or best friend.

People offering criticism just because they have a negative world view doesn’t mean you have to listen.  This applies to someone criticizing your co-workers or attacking someone’s appearance or whining about a new leader at your church or community group.  You can simply raise your hand and say, “I don’t want to have this conversation.”

This feels SO hard the first time you do it.  Do it anyway. Negative talk will spoil your attitude.  It will color the way you view a person or circumstance. Optimism is integral to succeeding and optimism breeds optimism.  It’s like rabbits!  (I couldn’t resist.)

So if someone wants to attack you or criticize others, set the important boundary of stopping them.  You will overcome the concern you have of offending someone or seeming rude when you find out how much happier you are once you’ve removed these voices.

The Extroverted Introvert

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quiet

I am an introvert.

I’ve been an introvert from the beginning. My mother tells tales of me playing and reading quietly in my room for hours with nary a companion as a child.  I liked it like that.

Not much has changed.

When I get up on a stage to speak, in front of a thousand or a dozen, I still feel nauseous. As a speech minor in college (a late in the game decision I made when I decided I’d go to law school), I threw up before every speech I made.  I made straight As but suffered through every class.

I comment, every now and again, to an audience or a team, that I tested as one of the most introverted people in a Myers-Briggs test administered to a board of 40 lawyers. They laugh. You’re not an introvert, they scold.

I don’t look like an introvert, I retort, but I am most certainly an introvert. 

I married an introvert.

I’m raising at least one, maybe two, introverts.

We exhibit very differently.

My husband hates parties, doesn’t enjoy talking to new people, and has a handful of friends. He prefers to be around family or by himself.

My daughter likes the ideas of parties, but they quickly overwhelm her, and she will hide behind my legs when forced to meet or talk to new, or less familiar, people.

I can speak to a thousand.  I make conversation with the people who line up during a book signing.  I have a lovely group of girlfriends.

But I still can’t walk into a room full of people I don’t know and strike up a conversation. I’ll hide in the bathroom until someone I know arrives (hopefully an extrovert).  And I’m completely drained after attending almost any event.

I love the advice given in Quiet (by Susan Cain) for those of us introverts, disguised as extroverts, who have to survive.

For those of us called to public speaking, Cain advises to minimize the stimuli before a speech.  All of those power poses and amping yourself up don’t work for an introvert whose blood is pumping and heart is racing and stomach is flipping.

My own introverted ritual before a speech is to: avoiding eating (I never have lunch at a lunch event because of my queasiness, I eat afterwards by which point I’m starving), keep water handy, pray that God will use me regardless of the topic or audience, and read a few scriptures from a series I wrote about words before I ever knew how handy they would become.

Next up, Cain recommends recharging. She warns introverts can burn out more quickly by having to act out of character – behaving as an extrovert because of our work or circumstances.  She well knows the ways introverted lawyers can burn out. She was one.

The key: find a way to recharge.  What works for you?  For me, a handful of things work wonders.  Writing and reading are always deeply restorative activities, satisfying my craving for solitude and quiet while giving an outlet for my love of words.  I’ve also come to breathe much more deeply on the porch at my husband’s family farm where I can sit still and watch the sun set.  Who knew that this lifelong city girl who used to hole up in her room to survive would come to crave the wide open space of the country?

I love that I’ve adapted to circumstances as an adult so I can engage as an extrovert when needed, but I’m proud of my introverted nature and take care to build in space for me to refuel.

How about you?  Introvert or extrovert?  How do you adapt to situations which require you to stretch beyond your comfort zone?

Small Changes, Smart Questions

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Small changes can have a big impact.

We know this is true with eating, working, exercising, praying, whatever the area of improvement.

It’s also true with conversation.

I recently read part of a book called The Coaching Habit. It’s primarily focused on helping managers and bosses invest in, and improve, their team members through effective coaching.

But the questions the book suggests for short, immediate, focused improvement are very insightful as well as useful regardless with whom you use them.

The starting question the book recommends is: What’s on your mind?

Now, if you’re married to my husband, you might not get much of an answer (he’s not a fan of “penny for your thoughts” type questions). But with a lot of people, it will give you a window into where to start the conversation.  You can find out whether they’re focused on a particular project at work, whether they’re concerned about a relationship, or whether there is something in their own behavior that has them concerned.

If you’re like me, sometimes I use those starting off questions, but then immediately offer advice or suggestions.

What if, instead, you continued to press with further questions?

The author recommends following this broad question up with: And what else?

Don’t you love that? Instead of offering up your perspective, you show you’re genuinely interested in what they have to say and you probe deeper into possible issues or areas underlying the “top of mind” concern.

There were several other questions suggested to help focus and tailor the conversation to coach an employee into a productive resolution, but I had two favorites.

How can I help?

This is the far superior alternative to “what do you want from me?” The latter comes off aggressive and as if they are imposing, but by asking how you can help, you show you are genuinely invested in the outcome and want them to succeed.

If you are saying yes to this, what are you saying no to?

This is another of my favorites (for me and others) – in line with some of the books I’ve written about like The Best Yes and Breaking Busy.

This simple question can help your friend/colleague/family/employee know what’s on the line by saying yes to something, or no. Think of the success or opportunity you might miss with a no.  Or a commitment or project which could flounder if you said yes.

Now play this out in real life. With your husband.  With your friend debating a professional change.  With your kids after school.  With your staff.

What’s on your mind?

And what else?

What’s the real challenge?

How can I help?

Small changes can have a big impact. When you talk less and ask more, you get to the heart of what’s on someone’s mind, you make sure they feel heard, and you’re better positioned to offer helpful advice when you know more about what’s truly going on.

Rewarding Leadership: Relationships

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This has been a spin of a week and it’s only Wednesday!

I worked around the clock in Washington, D.C. Monday and Tuesday, and our persistent pilot got our topsy-turvy airplane full of people back to Houston last night despite the tumultuous storms and terrible headwinds on the ground.

Then, I turn around and fly to Tampa tomorrow morning to keynote an exciting event using my book called Staying in the Game.

As I was researching the latest out there on rewarding leadership, I read a fascinating article by the current (and first) woman Chairman and CEO of KPMG.  She was offering her tips on how to position yourself for promotion but much of the insight resonates in the context of anyone leading – with or without a title.

I love this quote about the difference between sponsors and mentors, both of whom I have found critical in my own professional development:  sponsors don’t just speak to you, they speak about you!

That is one of the best characterizations I’ve heard yet.

Mentors are people with whom I have formed personal relationships.  They understand struggles I may be facing trying to weigh a professional move against the implications for me as a mother or wife or friend or volunteer.  I need those people as I seek to make savvy decisions that take into account the whole me.

However, sponsors may have no idea about the competing demands in my life.  They don’t need to because sponsors put themselves on the line for you in the place you work.

You must have internal advocates at your company (or if you are in a client retention/sales position, external advocates recommending you).  If these men or women are putting their professional reputation on the line to recommend you for the job or opportunity, then they don’t need to be worried about whether your kids are sick or your marriage is struggling.  It’s very hard to advocate for someone, put your reputation in the mix, if you have their internal obstacles top of mind.

Mentors, on the other hand, need to be more than savvy counsel.  They need to be frank.  Our lives are cyclical.  And it may very well be that you are in a season where you cannot seize an amazing opportunity.  You are going through a divorce.  Your parent is dying.  You or an immediate family member is going through a health crisis.  A mentor knows more about your whole-life and can say, I agree, it’s amazing, but you should seriously contemplate a ‘no’ right now because you can’t manage that new commitment in this season.

It is critical for each of us to remember that the circumstances of the moment do not define our trajectory.  Wise counsel can inject the insight we need.  Turning down an opportunity can be just as smart a move for a leader as accepting one.  I believe the sky is the limit, but when lightning is firing down from the sky it may not be the right day to seize the sky.

Make a list of people in your internal and external networks who may fall into the role of sponsor or mentor.  Cultivate those.  If you find your network is narrow, begin building it one person at a time.  Look for ways to help others.  Your support of others often leads to their finding ways to support you too.