Gindi Vincent

The Dish on Career, Fashion, Faith, and Family

Leadership

Boundary Boss, Volunteer Limits

by 1 Comment

Welcome back to our periodic column, Boundary Boss, all about setting boundaries to improve our lives.

Today we tackle how to set limits on our volunteering.

Volunteering is awesome! I am volunteer-in-chief! It’s how the non profit, church, community, school worlds go ’round. But all too often, we let volunteering take over our lives to the detriment of our family or job or health.

I had dinner with a friend one evening when she shared about recent uncomfortable conversation.  She’d agreed to substitute teach when needed for a children’s Sunday School class.  If you’ve ever volunteered for any kid activity, you know how generally short-staffed groups are on volunteers.  The next Sunday, the organizer approached her with details of the year’s curriculum since she’d designated my friend as the class leader!

What?

My friends eyebrows shot up and she politely replied, “Oh no, I’m sorry.  I volunteered to substitute if a need came up.  Not to lead.”

“Oh I know,” came the pleading reply, “but we don’t have anyone to lead the class and we so desperately need you to serve this year.”

Worthy, worthy is this cause.  But it wasn’t something my friend could take on.  She already had competing church responsibilities not to mention a husband and kids to juggle on Sunday mornings.

She wisely replied (because this friend is SO wise), “I’m sorry. I cannot lead this class. If you need me in a pinch, please call. But I cannot serve every Sunday.”

After sharing the story, she looked at me and said, “I don’t mean to sound uncaring, but my dad taught me to ask, ‘is this my problem?’  And this was her problem, not mine.”

We have plenty of our own problems. All too often, we adopt other’s problems as ours too.  But we need to ask, “Is this my problem?”

I’ve seen this happen personally.  My husband agreed to help support the coach for our kids sports team. He was named head coach because “there was no one else.”  Well now, that’s not exactly accurate, right?  There were a dozen parents.  Why did he need to serve as head coach just because he offered to help?

I’ve had this happen in organizations I work in.  If you don’t lead this project/gala/fundraising, it won’t get done.

Ask yourself: is this my problem? 

(That sounds so mean, I totally realize that.  I wish you could hear my voice. I’m saying it all so earnestly.)

Your job, kids, marriage, health are your problems.  If you can distance yourself a little from the ask, then it will help you discern the correct answer.

If you say yes to someone else’s problem, then you say no to something on your plate for which you do have principal responsibility.

So the next time an ask is pressed on you, ask yourself some key questions:

  1. Do I want to do this?  Would I enjoy it? Does it fit my skill set?
  2. Is this my problem? Do I have direct responsibility for the outcome?
  3. What do I sacrifice with my yes? Who suffers if I agree?
  4. Do I really have time?

Take a step back and don’t allow yourself to give a response on the fly. Think about it. Set boundaries. Your life will be the better for it!

Boundary Boss: Kick the Mommy Guilt

by Leave a Comment

Welcome back to our periodic installment of Boundary Boss: advice on setting boundaries which inevitably disappear around us.

I’ve got a doozy for you today: setting boundaries so you can kick that mommy guilt out the door!

There are so many rabbit trails this could take, including how to free yourself of feeling bad you don’t grow and make your own organic food, but that’s not what we’re tackling here.

Today we’re tackling the ‘we-have-to-do-all-the-crap’ syndrome a lot of us suffer under.

Let me lead with the punchline: Say. No.  Hear this sweet momma of a toddler or momma of six kids ranging from 5 to 19: you do not have to do all the crap.  Your kid will be okay.  In fact, your kid will probably be better than the kid of the mom who does all the crap because she’s so stressed out.

How did this topic come to be?  Aside from the fact that I may or may not have suffered from this syndrome and it’s accompanying guilt when I do not do all the crap?

Well, I received two messages yesterday.  One on vox from a friend of mine and one a text.  These are exact quotes:

Mommy A:  Ahhhh! It’s so hard! Attended a informational breakfast meeting this morning at school. I don’t know about you but I am always so tempted to jump in and volunteer to lead so much – room mom, Girl Scouts, etc. I’m really trying to do less this year. Quality versus quantity. Have another school meeting next week. Lord help me. Restraint is not easy. Stepping back is not my strong suit.

Mommy B: I have had to set an appointment with myself which has come at the cost of other’s people’s plans. And it’s interesting to see people’s reactions to this. What I’m finding is the people who have the most shocked reaction, like ‘what do you mean,’ are the people who do the same thing. They’ve learned to set boundaries, and they’ve held to them, but apparently can’t accept anyone else’s.  I’m sorry everybody in the world, I have to take the summer off. So, whatever that means for everything else, so sorry, see you when we start back.  I have had to tell people no! Sorry, I don’t know what to tell you, I’m not going to feel guilty.

Isn’t that fascinating??? Don’t you relate to every single word of Mommy A and don’t you want to figure out how to get to where Mommy B did?

Some of you have no problem saying no.  You can dole out the no’s without flinching.  But a lot of us, especially when it comes to stuff for our kids, are spitting out yeses through gritted teeth even when we know no is the right answer.

Yet a yes, even though we’re doing it “for” our kids, actually becomes a no with our availability or bandwidth or patience for our kids.  I remember attending a leadership conference in New York, and one of the speakers wrote this book called The Smartest Kids in the World.  She traveled the world to understand why other countries were ahead of the U.S. in educating children.  I vividly remember this remark: studies show that the smartest and most engaged kids are not the ones whose parents were PTA moms or class parents, but rather kids whose parents read to them and read themselves.  Afterwards, I walked up to her and said, THANK YOU, I READ, MY KIDS WILL BE FINE!

I am not saying don’t volunteer.  Lord help us if parents didn’t volunteer.  I’m saying, don’t volunteer for everything.  Here are a few tips:

  1.  Decide what’s important to you, and do that.  That one thing.  For me, it’s Christmas parties.  I adore school Christmas parties.  I like to organize the activities and make special themed treats and volunteer during the party.  So every year I email the teacher on the first day of school and ask how I can run or help with the Christmas party.  It’s my thing.  I basically don’t do anything else.
  2. Let go off the mom guilt over the other stuff.  I actually almost deleted that last sentence because I thought it made me look like a bad mom (even if it was true).  Take a page from Mommy B’s playbook and say “whatever that means for everything else, so sorry.”  Some of us can do more than others.  Do what you can do and do what you are passionate about doing, but don’t do what you feel guilty about not doing.
  3. Support the others running the show.  If you do not run the show, you do not get to criticize the sweet soul who volunteered to run it.  Don’t like the structure of field day?  Feel super passionate about that?  Then that’s your volunteer thing next year but don’t you say a peep about this year’s event.  Snack mom brought goldfish and gummies and you only allow your kiddos to have yogurt and apples, then bring your own or take over snacks (but make it your ONLY thing).

[On a separate but related note: If any of you are control freaks (because I may or may not know someone, let’s just say a dear friend whose name starts with a G and has five letters) trying to run everything because you think you can do it best, you are crazy.  Get some therapy.  Your way is not the only way.  The kids do not notice.]

Pick your thing. Not everything.  You cannot do it all and you shouldn’t.  Let go of the guilt.  Learn to say no. Set some boundaries and I promise your kids (and your husband, and your friends, and your colleagues…) will thank you.

Boundary Boss: Time Blocks

by Leave a Comment

Welcome back to our periodic column on boundary setting!  Last week, we talked about setting limits when people say things they shouldn’t.

Today, we’re talking about setting limits with our time.  There are a lot of topics which fall under this category, and it is easily the foundation for the questions I get asked most.

One of the simpler time questions is how do I find time to: (1) get caught up on my work with all these calls/meetings, (2) meet someone for lunch a few times a month, (3) do business/professional development?

It’s true.  Certainly when you work in a company, calendar items just pop up on your Outlook calendar because folks see “an opening” even if it was the half hour you were going to grab a sandwich.

Even if you work in an environment where folks don’t have access to your calendar, the inevitable pile up of meetings and conference calls crowd out your ability to do any “thinking” work much less squeeze in social or professional time.

Here are a few tips for making your work/extras load manageable:

1. Block recurring weekly appointment on the Outlook calendar from 11:30 am to 1 pm on Fridays.  This is a strategy I have used for two years. There are times when that appointment has to give for work travel or an emergency situation (and the day may not be Fridays for you, but it’s the best one for me), but generally that block of time is sacred. I use it to meet friends for lunch or to catch up on family or administrative matters or just to listen to songs or a talk I’ve had on my to-do list.  That time is a precious gift.

2. Granted, an hour and a half isn’t long, so I encouraged my girlfriend who runs a small law office to employ a different strategy.  She and her partner are so busy taking client meetings and hosting three hour client deliveries, their backlog of delivery work often overwhelms them.  For her, I advised block out Friday as your “no appointment” day.  DO NOT take appointments that day.  Make it an office policy.  You can never dig out of being buried without uninterrupted hours;  that, in turn, helps you serve your other clients/business lines by doing the thinking and research and written work necessary to support those meetings the rest of the week.

3.  Ask if you are a required participant.  So many of us getting meeting invites for two hour meetings or calls where there are over a dozen participants.  If we’re needed at all, and sometimes we’re not, it’s for five minutes on the agenda.  If you are required, ask for an agenda.  Often, if there’s a long meeting, you are only needed for a half hour.  If you host these mega-meetings, create agendas.  Not only does it keep you on track, and help redirect people on rabbit trails, but it allows you to grant people the option of only attending the part relevant to them.  You will be a superhero.

These are just a few of the tried and true time block tips and tricks.  What has worked for you?  What is your boundary challenge?

Boundary Boss, Talk to the Hand

by 5 Comments

I used to really struggle with setting boundaries.

I certainly don’t have the boundary-drawing down perfectly, but I’ve made progress.  Maybe it’s maturing or passing 40 or just not being quite as merciful as some of my incredibly gracious girlfriends.

As a result, I end up getting phone calls and texts and Voxers (seriously, you all need this app) and emails about issues cropping up in their lives around a singular issue:  BOUNDARIES.

It is hard.  This saying no and setting limits and creating priorities that aren’t negotiable.

However, it is SO valuable and you live a better life once you’ve begun setting boundaries well.

So, there’s going to be a little column here every once in a while called Boundary Boss!  Think of it as a Dear Abby/Gindi column for issues around boundary-setting.

I’ll take examples from my friends as well as from you dear readers – email the situation in via the contact form and I’ll take them up (anonymously!).

Today, we’ll take up an issue important, but hard, to establish boundaries in order to sustain your mental and emotional health.

Getting the smack talk. 

Okay, so maybe that’s not the technical term, but you know what I’m talking about.  When someone feels the need to “overshare” why they don’t like an event you are running or a mannerism of yours or your family dinner style or whatever the case may be.

And to clarify, there are two things I am NOT talking about.  One, I am not talking about random people criticizing you on social media, etc.  In various leadership roles, I’ve got the negative Tweet or post or comment.  If they’re just attacking, I ignore them.  I know the people who love me have my back, and I turn off the voices of people not really in my life.  (That’s its own boundary.)

I am also not talking about people who you trust providing constructive criticism on an area in your life where it adds value.  For example, your boss giving you annual reviews or your friend expressing some concerns about the way you are being treated by a boyfriend.

This smack talk example cropped up when one of my friends, we’ll call her Pam, had someone Pam considered a friend approach her at an event Pam had planned.  She started telling Pam what was wrong with the event.

Y’all, that is not a friend.

Plus, you don’t have to stand there and take it.

But you don’t have to be rude either.

I call the boundary-setting technique, “talk to the hand.”  (Because I’m just that pithy.)

Pretend you are at an event that you and your friends planned.  Your “friend” comes up to complain how far the venue is or the music is too loud or the co-leaders are really disorganized.  You can simply raise your hand and say, “I can’t hear this right now.”  Then walk to where you need to be next, ideally next to your handsome hubby or best friend.

People offering criticism just because they have a negative world view doesn’t mean you have to listen.  This applies to someone criticizing your co-workers or attacking someone’s appearance or whining about a new leader at your church or community group.  You can simply raise your hand and say, “I don’t want to have this conversation.”

This feels SO hard the first time you do it.  Do it anyway. Negative talk will spoil your attitude.  It will color the way you view a person or circumstance. Optimism is integral to succeeding and optimism breeds optimism.  It’s like rabbits!  (I couldn’t resist.)

So if someone wants to attack you or criticize others, set the important boundary of stopping them.  You will overcome the concern you have of offending someone or seeming rude when you find out how much happier you are once you’ve removed these voices.

The Extroverted Introvert

by 4 Comments

quiet

I am an introvert.

I’ve been an introvert from the beginning. My mother tells tales of me playing and reading quietly in my room for hours with nary a companion as a child.  I liked it like that.

Not much has changed.

When I get up on a stage to speak, in front of a thousand or a dozen, I still feel nauseous. As a speech minor in college (a late in the game decision I made when I decided I’d go to law school), I threw up before every speech I made.  I made straight As but suffered through every class.

I comment, every now and again, to an audience or a team, that I tested as one of the most introverted people in a Myers-Briggs test administered to a board of 40 lawyers. They laugh. You’re not an introvert, they scold.

I don’t look like an introvert, I retort, but I am most certainly an introvert. 

I married an introvert.

I’m raising at least one, maybe two, introverts.

We exhibit very differently.

My husband hates parties, doesn’t enjoy talking to new people, and has a handful of friends. He prefers to be around family or by himself.

My daughter likes the ideas of parties, but they quickly overwhelm her, and she will hide behind my legs when forced to meet or talk to new, or less familiar, people.

I can speak to a thousand.  I make conversation with the people who line up during a book signing.  I have a lovely group of girlfriends.

But I still can’t walk into a room full of people I don’t know and strike up a conversation. I’ll hide in the bathroom until someone I know arrives (hopefully an extrovert).  And I’m completely drained after attending almost any event.

I love the advice given in Quiet (by Susan Cain) for those of us introverts, disguised as extroverts, who have to survive.

For those of us called to public speaking, Cain advises to minimize the stimuli before a speech.  All of those power poses and amping yourself up don’t work for an introvert whose blood is pumping and heart is racing and stomach is flipping.

My own introverted ritual before a speech is to: avoiding eating (I never have lunch at a lunch event because of my queasiness, I eat afterwards by which point I’m starving), keep water handy, pray that God will use me regardless of the topic or audience, and read a few scriptures from a series I wrote about words before I ever knew how handy they would become.

Next up, Cain recommends recharging. She warns introverts can burn out more quickly by having to act out of character – behaving as an extrovert because of our work or circumstances.  She well knows the ways introverted lawyers can burn out. She was one.

The key: find a way to recharge.  What works for you?  For me, a handful of things work wonders.  Writing and reading are always deeply restorative activities, satisfying my craving for solitude and quiet while giving an outlet for my love of words.  I’ve also come to breathe much more deeply on the porch at my husband’s family farm where I can sit still and watch the sun set.  Who knew that this lifelong city girl who used to hole up in her room to survive would come to crave the wide open space of the country?

I love that I’ve adapted to circumstances as an adult so I can engage as an extrovert when needed, but I’m proud of my introverted nature and take care to build in space for me to refuel.

How about you?  Introvert or extrovert?  How do you adapt to situations which require you to stretch beyond your comfort zone?