Gindi Vincent

The Dish on Career, Fashion, Faith, and Family

Leadership

The Extroverted Introvert

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quiet

I am an introvert.

I’ve been an introvert from the beginning. My mother tells tales of me playing and reading quietly in my room for hours with nary a companion as a child.  I liked it like that.

Not much has changed.

When I get up on a stage to speak, in front of a thousand or a dozen, I still feel nauseous. As a speech minor in college (a late in the game decision I made when I decided I’d go to law school), I threw up before every speech I made.  I made straight As but suffered through every class.

I comment, every now and again, to an audience or a team, that I tested as one of the most introverted people in a Myers-Briggs test administered to a board of 40 lawyers. They laugh. You’re not an introvert, they scold.

I don’t look like an introvert, I retort, but I am most certainly an introvert. 

I married an introvert.

I’m raising at least one, maybe two, introverts.

We exhibit very differently.

My husband hates parties, doesn’t enjoy talking to new people, and has a handful of friends. He prefers to be around family or by himself.

My daughter likes the ideas of parties, but they quickly overwhelm her, and she will hide behind my legs when forced to meet or talk to new, or less familiar, people.

I can speak to a thousand.  I make conversation with the people who line up during a book signing.  I have a lovely group of girlfriends.

But I still can’t walk into a room full of people I don’t know and strike up a conversation. I’ll hide in the bathroom until someone I know arrives (hopefully an extrovert).  And I’m completely drained after attending almost any event.

I love the advice given in Quiet (by Susan Cain) for those of us introverts, disguised as extroverts, who have to survive.

For those of us called to public speaking, Cain advises to minimize the stimuli before a speech.  All of those power poses and amping yourself up don’t work for an introvert whose blood is pumping and heart is racing and stomach is flipping.

My own introverted ritual before a speech is to: avoiding eating (I never have lunch at a lunch event because of my queasiness, I eat afterwards by which point I’m starving), keep water handy, pray that God will use me regardless of the topic or audience, and read a few scriptures from a series I wrote about words before I ever knew how handy they would become.

Next up, Cain recommends recharging. She warns introverts can burn out more quickly by having to act out of character – behaving as an extrovert because of our work or circumstances.  She well knows the ways introverted lawyers can burn out. She was one.

The key: find a way to recharge.  What works for you?  For me, a handful of things work wonders.  Writing and reading are always deeply restorative activities, satisfying my craving for solitude and quiet while giving an outlet for my love of words.  I’ve also come to breathe much more deeply on the porch at my husband’s family farm where I can sit still and watch the sun set.  Who knew that this lifelong city girl who used to hole up in her room to survive would come to crave the wide open space of the country?

I love that I’ve adapted to circumstances as an adult so I can engage as an extrovert when needed, but I’m proud of my introverted nature and take care to build in space for me to refuel.

How about you?  Introvert or extrovert?  How do you adapt to situations which require you to stretch beyond your comfort zone?

Small Changes, Smart Questions

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Small changes can have a big impact.

We know this is true with eating, working, exercising, praying, whatever the area of improvement.

It’s also true with conversation.

I recently read part of a book called The Coaching Habit. It’s primarily focused on helping managers and bosses invest in, and improve, their team members through effective coaching.

But the questions the book suggests for short, immediate, focused improvement are very insightful as well as useful regardless with whom you use them.

The starting question the book recommends is: What’s on your mind?

Now, if you’re married to my husband, you might not get much of an answer (he’s not a fan of “penny for your thoughts” type questions). But with a lot of people, it will give you a window into where to start the conversation.  You can find out whether they’re focused on a particular project at work, whether they’re concerned about a relationship, or whether there is something in their own behavior that has them concerned.

If you’re like me, sometimes I use those starting off questions, but then immediately offer advice or suggestions.

What if, instead, you continued to press with further questions?

The author recommends following this broad question up with: And what else?

Don’t you love that? Instead of offering up your perspective, you show you’re genuinely interested in what they have to say and you probe deeper into possible issues or areas underlying the “top of mind” concern.

There were several other questions suggested to help focus and tailor the conversation to coach an employee into a productive resolution, but I had two favorites.

How can I help?

This is the far superior alternative to “what do you want from me?” The latter comes off aggressive and as if they are imposing, but by asking how you can help, you show you are genuinely invested in the outcome and want them to succeed.

If you are saying yes to this, what are you saying no to?

This is another of my favorites (for me and others) – in line with some of the books I’ve written about like The Best Yes and Breaking Busy.

This simple question can help your friend/colleague/family/employee know what’s on the line by saying yes to something, or no. Think of the success or opportunity you might miss with a no.  Or a commitment or project which could flounder if you said yes.

Now play this out in real life. With your husband.  With your friend debating a professional change.  With your kids after school.  With your staff.

What’s on your mind?

And what else?

What’s the real challenge?

How can I help?

Small changes can have a big impact. When you talk less and ask more, you get to the heart of what’s on someone’s mind, you make sure they feel heard, and you’re better positioned to offer helpful advice when you know more about what’s truly going on.

Rewarding Leadership: Relationships

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This has been a spin of a week and it’s only Wednesday!

I worked around the clock in Washington, D.C. Monday and Tuesday, and our persistent pilot got our topsy-turvy airplane full of people back to Houston last night despite the tumultuous storms and terrible headwinds on the ground.

Then, I turn around and fly to Tampa tomorrow morning to keynote an exciting event using my book called Staying in the Game.

As I was researching the latest out there on rewarding leadership, I read a fascinating article by the current (and first) woman Chairman and CEO of KPMG.  She was offering her tips on how to position yourself for promotion but much of the insight resonates in the context of anyone leading – with or without a title.

I love this quote about the difference between sponsors and mentors, both of whom I have found critical in my own professional development:  sponsors don’t just speak to you, they speak about you!

That is one of the best characterizations I’ve heard yet.

Mentors are people with whom I have formed personal relationships.  They understand struggles I may be facing trying to weigh a professional move against the implications for me as a mother or wife or friend or volunteer.  I need those people as I seek to make savvy decisions that take into account the whole me.

However, sponsors may have no idea about the competing demands in my life.  They don’t need to because sponsors put themselves on the line for you in the place you work.

You must have internal advocates at your company (or if you are in a client retention/sales position, external advocates recommending you).  If these men or women are putting their professional reputation on the line to recommend you for the job or opportunity, then they don’t need to be worried about whether your kids are sick or your marriage is struggling.  It’s very hard to advocate for someone, put your reputation in the mix, if you have their internal obstacles top of mind.

Mentors, on the other hand, need to be more than savvy counsel.  They need to be frank.  Our lives are cyclical.  And it may very well be that you are in a season where you cannot seize an amazing opportunity.  You are going through a divorce.  Your parent is dying.  You or an immediate family member is going through a health crisis.  A mentor knows more about your whole-life and can say, I agree, it’s amazing, but you should seriously contemplate a ‘no’ right now because you can’t manage that new commitment in this season.

It is critical for each of us to remember that the circumstances of the moment do not define our trajectory.  Wise counsel can inject the insight we need.  Turning down an opportunity can be just as smart a move for a leader as accepting one.  I believe the sky is the limit, but when lightning is firing down from the sky it may not be the right day to seize the sky.

Make a list of people in your internal and external networks who may fall into the role of sponsor or mentor.  Cultivate those.  If you find your network is narrow, begin building it one person at a time.  Look for ways to help others.  Your support of others often leads to their finding ways to support you too.

Hard Conversations

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Delivering bad news.  Taking on conflict.  Confronting inappropriate behavior.  Explaining hurt feelings.  Changing course.

This happens at home, school, work, board rooms, churches, and in any personal or professional relationship which can exist.

I don’t know anyone who enjoys having hard conversations.

But everyone has to have them.

Avoiding hard conversations leaves you and the person needing to hear the message at odds and unable to move forward.  But delivering an unclear or mixed message makes the situation even worse, leaves the hearer uncertain of what you mean, and prolongs resolving the issue.

While no one wants to tackle hard conversations, having them effectively can significantly improve your lives and others.  Think of the mom who never disciplines her child because she doesn’t want to be “mean,” but then everyone around her has to deal with an unruly and ill mannered child.  Think of the employer who doesn’t want to let the offensive/lazy/inappropriate employee go because she doesn’t like conflict.  The entire work team is disrupted and her leadership ability is undermined.

 

  1.  Be clear.  This is the hardest but most critical element to hard conversations.  What is the message you want to deliver?  Know going in, in one to two sentences, what the message is and deliver it explicitly.  “I am sorry, but we are going to lose money on this investment.”  “You were disrespectful this week, so you may not go to the dance this weekend.”  “We are going to have to move.”  The best illustration of this is college acceptances or law firm offers when I was in school.  The college rejection letter, like the law firm rejection letter, was a short one page document.  “Thank you for your interest, we are unable to extend you an offer.”  It was hard to receive but I was clear on the message
  2. Be brief.  You do not need to be rude, but I find most of the muddling happens in trying to soften the blow of your clear punchline above.  When you throw a lot of words before and after your punchline, the hearer gets less clear on your resolve and may believe there is some negotiating still to do.  Take a conflict avoiding parent: We love you so much and we are so proud of you and you are such a blessing from God but we are concerned about the way you have been acting so we don’t want you to go to the dance this weekend but we’re going to make sure you get to go to the next one and you can still go out to dinner with everyone, etc.  It telegraphs lack of resolve and soon you’ll be negotiating.  This is even more important in the work environment.  An employee who thinks the promotion is still on the table when it is not, leaves you with a restless and confused worker.  A staffer who doesn’t believe the inappropriate language is a big deal, leaves you with ongoing behavior problems which may lead to even greater consequences for the worker and your company.
  3. Be respectful.  All too often people equate hard conversations with mean conversations.  You do not have to be mean to be clear.  Take for example not hiring an intern:  Thank you for spending your summer with us.  We cannot offer you a permanent position.  One critical characteristic of our full time employees is showing up consistently and on time so our clients know they can count us.  You struggled with that this summer.  We wish you the best in your future.  This message was not mean.  But it did communicate the reason the person did not receive the offer.  Thanking a person and wishing them well are basic tools of human politeness, but without giving a brief reason for the decision the hearer cannot improve.   Be calm and warm but decisive.

How do you deliver hard news?  What has worked, or not worked, when you received hard news?

 

The Value of Mentor Relationships

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I’ve written about the value of relationships to a leader, particularly those critical sponsorship and mentorship roles.  As more and more talk turns to the value of a sponsor, and it is critical, it’s important to revisit the importance of a mentor as you lead and are led.

Sponsors may lay their political capital on the line to get you the promotion or next opportunity, likely because they’ve seen you produce in the past, but mentors serve a deeper and more fundamental role.

A sponsor may open the door for the next step up the ladder, but the mentor asks, do you even want to be climbing this particular ladder?

I have had both mentors and sponsors in my life and now I serve as both as well.  And as helpful as formal mentoring programs can be to develop your ability to either serve as a good mentee or mentor, I have found the most impactful relationships have developed independent of a program as a result of a connection made.

What worked in the organically grown mentor relationships best?

As a mentee, my ability to raise my hand and ask.  When I started with a new company, I asked for a short visit with the head of the company when I visited the headquarter offices.  This wouldn’t be possible at all companies, but at one like mine it was.  She agreed and actually complimented me for asking.  She said the younger men had all lined up when she was given the promotion, but she’d had few women approach her.

After asking for the meeting, I asked what worked.  My first question was what did it take to have a successful career at the company?  Nothing is more important than knowing what the leader envisions as the most valuable characteristics to possess to move the company forward.

My second, and last, question (her time was in high demand) was to ask what I could do to help her with any of her initiatives?  I was a billable attorney at the time and offering to do non-billable work which would ultimately help advance her priorities in her new position of leadership was appreciated.  It helped her and it helped me.

The most successful mentor relationships are those which help both the mentor and the mentee.

As a mentor, my availability has been appreciated.  I have an incredibly busy calendar, but most mentees don’t need an hour and a half lunch for the issue they are facing.  A 15 minute phone call to discuss a challenging team dynamic or a 30 minute coffee to hash out child care options can be even more valuable because you can squeeze those in within a week of the need.

Also, identifying those who are uncertain or struggling and reaching out to help not only helps the one directly receiving the mentoring but it improves the team and the company’s dynamic and ultimately performance.  Many companies place a high premium on informal mentoring efforts because they realize it makes teams more cohesive and it improves the performance and attitude of the individuals being mentored.

A listening mentor will find the perspective she hears from her mentee can open her eyes to new ways of approaching challenges and engaging with people of different ages and cultures.

Keep an eye out for an opportunity around you.  Give the relationship time to grow and start out with a simple question or offer to help.  You’ll find it can develop into a friendship and an asset to your career.