Gindi Vincent

The Dish on Career, Fashion, Faith, and Family

Marriage Malaise

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Maybe August is a hard month for marriages.

Or maybe my friend group is in a hard season for marriages.  Demanding careers, young kids, aging parents.  Juggling decisions like moves and education and finances and what’s too much or not enough. 

Whatever the reason, I’ve had heartbreaking conversations this month with a number of my friends.

We haven’t had a passionate kiss in over a year.

He rolls his eyes at everything I do.

We’re sleeping in separate rooms.

Watch, we don’t even talk to each other.

We can’t agree on how to spend our money, ever.

I just don’t know how much longer…

It is crazy hard.  This marriage thing.  Crazy hard.  I’ve been writing about the struggle as long as I’ve been writing.

You look from inside your hurting marriage and see the outside image other people project about their own marriages and think, wow, it’s so much easier for them.

I had one friend, who was sharing her hurts, say to me, but you and Bray, you just keep it alive and are still so in love.

Ha!  I laughed.  Not that we aren’t in love, yes we absolutely love each other, but let me tell you our marriage has just as many hurdles as yours!

Yes, we had a wonderful getaway this summer for a couple of days but even getting to the getaway was hard.  And then returning to real life and paying for the getaway was hard. 

Last August, we were in the middle of a tremendously hard place, and we bounced back, but we still fight. Because there is no way you are going to agree with someone every day for the rest of your life.  

That is what you do.  You live to fight another day. 

I was talking to my father in law at the farm a couple of weeks ago.  I love this man.  He’s just another awesome thing my hubby brought to our marriage.  Talk shifted from the oil business to marriage.  He and my mother in law have been married for 56 years.  FIFTY SIX YEARS. 

He will tell you, and was telling me over wine on the back porch, marriage is hard.  The seasons are gorgeous and then brutal.  So you just tell yourself, and your spouse, I am in this thing.  I am not leaving.  He and I sat outside, as the sun went down, talking honestly about the tough spots marriages find themselves in and how you push through.
(Obviously, I’m not talking about abusive relationships. But just the hardships of every marriage.)

There are marriages that look easy.  Romance and roses. They are not. It’s all Instagram-ed, Facebook-ed, photoshopped pictures.  You don’t see them when the bad news come.  When the job loss hits.  When the kids get sick or the parents die or one travels all the time or the money dries up. 

No one has a piece of cake marriage. No matter what you see or what you think.

So what do you do? 

My close friends and I were just discussing this.  When you feel on the brink in your marriage, how do you step back?

1. Kiss.  On the mouth.  Really kiss.  Not a passing peck.  For thirty days straight.  Do it in the morning or the evening or both.  But kiss.  In front of your kids.  Embarrass them.  Let them see what marriage can look like after years.

2. Say something nice.  For thirty days straight.  Say one nice thing to your spouse every single day.  Find a way to compliment them or thank them.  Focus on the good. Keep a journal if you need to make sure you don’t forget a day. 

3. Be in the same bed at the same time.  Without kids.  Intimacy will not fix the underlying hurts but it absolutely helps.  In order for that to happen, you have to be in bed at the same time and your kids have to already be in their own beds.  This can’t happen every single day, I realize.  We all travel or have sick kids you’re up with in the middle of the night (I just was last week).  But prioritize the same bed, same time, just you two, for thirty days straight. 

4. Use psychology 101 words to start talking.  There is a reason we teach our kids to say “I feel.” It shifts the conversation to what you are experiencing which can’t be challenged. I feel lonely when we don’t talk about our day after work. I feel disrespected when you roll your eyes at me. Whatever the thing is. Money, time, family, words, etc. Start the conversation. Recognize what your spouse does, I’m so grateful for… but also acknowledge where you all are struggling.

5. Be Honest. A friend of mine and I had a hearty laugh when she shared how she learned to manage expectations. When she was pregnant, she would get super emotional, and her husband did not know how to respond. By her simply saying, I don’t need you to do anything, I just need you to be here with me, she was able to let him know what she needed. I did that last week about work, can you just listen to this so I can unload it somewhere? Share where you are at and what you need. Don’t make them guess.

It’s imperfect. It’s three steps forward and two steps back. But hold on. Fight through the dark hours – there is sun up ahead.

On The First Day of Fourth Grade

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Happy First Day of Fourth Grade!

We had a good summer this 2019.

It ended today. Not by way of weather, of course. We Houstonians like to send you off to school when it’s still triple digits outside.

But in the way of lazy mornings and unpredictable schedules. That ended today. For the first time since you’ve been in school, I was actually sad to see it go. I love a good schedule so summer’s have typically thrown me for a loop, but this was a good break for us all.

We spent time together at the farm. We celebrated the Fourth of July with a bang, literally. I snuck in another mommy and me trip with little bit. And we tried to knock out our Summer of Fun list with laser tag and bowling and escape rooms and more.

So today, you entered the fourth grade. You were all so excited, which makes my momma heart overflow, even though the baby had been dreadfully ill since Saturday.

You have two incredible teachers. We’re entering our fourth year in a school we know and love housed right in our church home and nestled in our neighborhood. This looks utterly different from my own fourth grade. I was going into my fourth new school, in a new area, after having moved to a new state. I was so shy and nervous and didn’t have many friends and our family didn’t have much money.

Normally, I don’t even think about where I was at your age, but it hit me today. This is probably why it’s so important to me that you be gracious and friendly with the “new kids.” Be everyone’s friend. You have five new kids joining your grade this year, in a fairly small school, so it’s important to make them feel like they belong and have people to eat with and laugh with and hang with at recess. It’s why I try to have everyone over to swim before school. Thanks for humoring me and for being sweet inclusive kiddos.

You are each learning at such different rates and growing in different areas. Do not compare yourselves to each other. This will serve you well in life as you grow older. Once you’ve mastered not comparing yourself to your siblings, maybe you can avoid comparing yourselves to friends or students or co-workers. You are an individual and God made you who you are. You are not supposed to do things like others – you are supposed to do things like you.

Fourth grade is a big year. I’ll try to say this without crying on the keyboard, but you only have one more year after this before becoming middle schoolers with lots of different teachers and more intense homework and sports. This is a great year to grow good habits. Do your homework. Don’t procrastinate. Then you can be truthful with those at school and never have to come up with excuses.

Have fun! You are each so much fun. We laugh so much. From spelling crazy words in Scrabble to tripping over the box in the laser tag room to careening down roller coasters. The world is SO MUCH FUN. I know it can be scary. And overwhelming. And of course there’s bad and hard things. But you know what? You are nine years old so you just GO HAVE FUN!

Know this one thing more than any other: Daddy and I love you so much it we can’t even put it into words. We want so much for you. We will always be your people no matter what happens. So when you have an incredible day and win and award or have a blast with a friend, we CANNOT wait to hear all about it. But when you fail or struggle or have a big fight or get terribly embarrassed, we CANNOT wait to hear all about that too.

While we are sad when it happens, we are your people. We are your team. We are here to pick you up and help you dust off and keep moving forward. And would you please be each other’s team too? Don’t ever side with a friend over your sibling. You are their person when you are at school or on a team or in a tough spot. Back them up. And we’ll back you up.

Go be curious. Learn a lot. Love everyone. Forgive mistakes. We believe in each one of you and thank God every day that He trusted us with you three.

The God of the In Between

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Storms speckled the radar map between Knoxville, where we sat in the airport, and Houston, where we hoped to safely arrive later that evening.

I watched the radar like a hawk. The control freak in me willing the storms to adjust themselves out of the way of our little plane. I kept watching even as they loaded us onto the plane in plenty of time to make our arrival time.

The flight attendant got on and said, the flight time will be an hour and 52 minutes once we take off. We will shut the doors in 5 minutes.

I breathed a sigh of relief. Surely the storms weren’t that bad. All was well. Until it wasn’t. Only moments later, a new announcement, same voice. As you may have seen, there are a number of storms. Flight control is determining a new route for the plane. And Houston is limiting the number of flights landing right now. We’ll let you know when we can push back. We expect the new route will be longer.

I called Bray. Told him not to bother picking us up – I had no idea when we’d land. I stayed upbeat and fun for little bit since we were on the way home from our mommy and me trip. But inside, my stomach churned and I worried. We’d already had a bumpy landing into Knoxville and we weren’t facing the storms ahead.

Have you ever had a bumpy landing? On a flight? In life? Has your new route ever been longer?

She and I looked at the radar and selected the route we would have drawn out if we were flying the plane. We only have to go up and around them, she announced with a smile. Look!, and her finger traced the route north of Knoxville, into Arkansas, and down to Texas.

We took off one hour later.

The ride was surprisingly smooth. They never did announce what route they selected. Or how long the flight would be. And then, just like that, we started to descend.

We looked out the window and saw this brilliant yellow light. Thin clouds above and storm clouds below. The piercing yellow and white beams lighting up the in between.

My breath caught. It’s like I could hear Him saying, I’m here in the in between. I’m God enough to light up this space between the storms.

And we landed. Wheels touching down 40 minutes after our scheduled arrival. I don’t have any idea how that happened.

But what stayed with me was the image. The reminder. That I serve a God of the in between.

I’ve been in a different kind of storm lately. And to be honest, I haven’t much wanted to find out how God wanted me to handle it or move through it. In fact, my Godly best friend gave me sage advice last week, and I gave her an honest reply. I hear you, and I know that’s probably what God would want me to do, but I’m just not at all interested in doing that right now.

This weekend, I was up a lot in the middle of the night. The baby spiked a huge fever and I was up with cold cloths and Tylenol and his inhaler. Now, right before school is going to start, I questioned in my sleep deprived thoughts.

But my mind went back to this image. The in between.

We sat in the urgent care yesterday. His feverish body curled up and dozing in my arms. Tests turned up nothing. Probably a virus, the doctor advised, and you just have to wait it out. The in between.

Driving to work in the still dark hours this morning, I stewed in my thoughts. On a lark, I changed the radio from NPR to KSBJ, our local Christian music station. Normally, if I’m not voxing friends on my commute, I catch up on the news or podcasts. But it wasn’t what I needed this morning.

A song came on:
I’m gonna sing, in the middle of the storm
Louder and louder, you’re going to hear my praises roar,
Up from the ashes, hope will arise
Death is defeated, the King is alive!
I raise a hallelujah, in the presence of my enemies
I raise a hallelujah, louder than the unbelief…
I raise a hallelujah, heaven comes to fight for me (Bethel Music)

The God of the in between.

Tears pricked my eyes as I turned the music up louder and sang as a fight song.

Those in between seasons are tricky. Sifting and uncertain. Maybe there will be bumps or maybe there won’t. Maybe there will be delays or maybe there won’t (although there probably will). Storms waging and breaking. Darkness seeping in and light pushing it back.

Those of us who struggle daily between faith and control wrestle with how to behave in those times. God knows what is going to happen but we still sit, with our little human radar, willing the storms to move a certain direction or trying to telepathically instruct the pilot on the best route to take through them.

The in between. The place between where you left and where you’re going. The place between the storm and the clearing. It’s in that place you can really find God, or you can leave Him.

I decided this morning I was going to find Him. And I would do this week differently than I did last week. And in the between, in the mystery and uncertainty, I’d let God pilot through this storm.

I raise a hallelujah, with everything inside of me
I raise a hallelujah, I will watch the darkness flee
I raise a hallelujah, in the middle of the mystery
I raise a hallelujah, fear you lost your hold on me!

The School Lunch Saga

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We are burned out.

And we don’t start school until next week.

I couldn’t help but confront it as I saw all those precious smiling back-to-school faces staring at me on this morning’s Facebook feed.

Adorable children from pre-K to high school who all have one thing in common. They need to eat lunch.

Sigh.

Well we got BURNED out. Our rule is they take lunch from home every day except one when they can order. They usually look at the school lunch menu and pick the day they want to order (we strongly encourage them to select the same day). Breakfast for lunch is always a kid favorite.

But other than that, school lunches were looking pretty dreary. We have minimal time. So it’s not going to look pretty folks. Bray and I both work and the kids all play sports and homework is ever increasing. We just want it to be moderately healthy and filling.

The eldest was universally selecting hot dogs. I got the lovely kosher 100% beef ones, but STILL. There has to be a limit. Little bit nearly always defaulted to peanut butter or salami. (Never together.) And the baby was more adventuresome but the repertoire was typically a sandwich, or pigs in a blanket, with a fruit and veggies or chips.

So I am determined to do better this year. The trio begins fourth grade next week which means this weekend is school lunch (and dinner) prep weekend. Get ready Sam’s, here I come.

I created a two page school lunch choices printable to pass out to the kids. They will be able to select their options for the four days they pack a lunch. Most of the choices I can prep the night before which will be a huge help because usually Bray is stuck lunch prepping in the morning before school.

You can’t tell from the screen shot, but I’ve got a school border around the page and little spaces for them to select what they want and turn in their “order.” (Email me if you want a copy for yourself.) I am setting rules. Basically, work together kiddos because I’m not buying nine different fruits this week. I’ve still got a budget. But otherwise, go nuts (literally if you want to).

Plus, they are allowed to add things to the list they want to try that I missed.

What do you pack that I’ve left off the list? And what are some great parenting hacks on packing school lunches? Because I’m determined it’s going to go better this year!

I found ideas from so many great resources on Pinterest and the interwebs, including from Real House Moms, The Kitchn, Savvy Honey, Happiness is Homeade, The Creative Bite, and Modern Honey.

What clever idea have we all missed? Share it so we can copycat you. Lunch-packing moms unite!

Debriefing Dollywood

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Howdy folks!  Little bit and I just returned from our mommy and me trip and the centerpiece of our four day outing was DOLLYWOOD! 

That’s right, we headed up to her Tennessee Mountain Home, and let me tell you Jolene, everyone was asking Whyd’d You Come In Here Lookin’ Like That after 9 to 5 in an amusement park, but they’ll be saying Here You Come Again because it was so much fun and we’ll be back!

Before this trip, I really knew nothing about Dollywood.  When folks heard I was going, I’d hear through the grapevine that those who went loved it.  Little bit picked it because she wanted to ride some rollercoasters, baby.  And rollercoasters we rode!  But otherwise, I didn’t know much. 

Maybe you don’t know much about this hidden gem either.  So like my Disney debriefs, I’ll offer this Dollywood Debrief for my friends looking to try a new (and much less crowded) amusement park. 

Our itinerary wasn’t perfect, here’s a few tips to avoid my errors:  We flew United from IAH to Knoxville and landed at 9:30.  This is too late.  By the time I got the rental car, we left the airport at 10 pm and didn’t arrive at Dollywood Dream More Resort (where we stayed) until 11.  That is a hard drive to make in the dark of night.  Take an earlier flight.  Plus, after a long day at work and a flight and a dark-in-the-woods car drive, you’re going to want a glass of wine.  But you’re not going to get it at Dream More because room service and all restaurants close by or before 11 pm.  Which means you just hop in the shower, eat a few gummies from your carry on, and get in bed.  Then we left for Asheville early Saturday morning and returned to Knoxville on Sunday afternoon to catch our flight out at 6:30 pm.  (This is also too late – you’re tired by the last day of your trip.  Fly out earlier.)

Next up, I’m not going to download the Asheville portion of our trip.  We loved Saturday at the Biltmore but didn’t love the rest of Asheville we saw (which was a small part, and centered downtown).  As my dear friend put it, “Asheville may not be your jam.  It is Appalachia hippie…”  Um yes, Appalachia hippie is not my jam.  I’m okay with that.  Square peg, peace sign hole, not a perfect fit.

Now for what’s to love about Dollywood. 

First, stay at the Dream More resort.  It is just lovely.  Little bit and I had a king suite room with a private patio looking out on the pool.  It was far enough from the pool that the noise didn’t bother us.  We had a lovely little table and chairs where we could watch fireworks from at night and she had a separate room area with a bunk bed and t.v.  She split her time between my room and hers.  Breakfast is included and is super yummy.  I’m not a huge biscuits and gravy gal, but mercy did they make some delicious biscuits and gravy. 

Best of all, the Fast Pass is included.  (Fast Pass details below.)  I found the package reasonable – for three nights, breakfast included, two days of park tickets for both of us, and the Fast Pass, the cost was around $1400 (including all taxes/fees).  Parking was free on property, which was nice since I had a rental car to get around, but if you’re just doing Dollywood you don’t need a car for the trip.  Dream More offers a shuttle that runs every 15 minutes between the resort and the splash park (which we skipped) and Dollywood.  We never had to wait.  It’s only about a 10 minute shuttle too which is lovely if you’re used to longer distances and waits at Disney World.

Second, the RIDES!  If you are a roller coaster enthusiast, Dollywood does not disappoint.  On Dollywood’s app (which you should download if you go), they list 16 rides as “thrill” rides.  I would disagree.  However, of those 16, 9 can legit be called thrill.  (There are two water rides – the log ride called Daredevil Falls which we rode once and an inner tube one – we skipped getting soaked at the park.)

Of the roller coaster/thrill rides, they have: Barnstormer, Dragonflier (new entry at the Wildwood Grove expansion), Drop Line, Firechaser Express, Lightning Rod, Mystery Mine, Tennessee Tornado, Thunderhead, and Wild Eagle. 

Wild Eagle was our favorite.  You ride it, legs suspended, get started off with a huge drop, and you do three upside down loops.  It’s a super smooth ride with lots of thrills.  We rode it at least a dozen times in two days.  (How you Disney fans ask? Read on about Fast Pass.)

Lightning Rod is super intense – an incredibly fast ride.  I love coasters and this one did a number on my stomach first time.  Your butt leaves the seat at least twice.  Speed tops 70 mph and it boasts being the fastest wooden roller coaster in the world.  It is fast.  We rode it three times and probably would have gone a couple more if it hadn’t been Fast Pass limited.  Warning – in talking with folks as we traveled, they said this ride is down a lot.  It never was while we were there though.

Firechase Express isn’t scary but it is super fun.  It’s fast but not crazy fast and it’s smooth, and it has a fun backwards element at the end.  This was another dozen rides for us. 

I liked Tennessee Tornado and L liked Mystery Mine but not vice versa.  She thought TT was too jerky, it’s not wooden but does ride rougher, while I thought MM was a nightmare.  Not because it’s scary, it isn’t scary at all until the end, but it is SUPER jerky and my head kept getting slammed between the headrests. 

Neither of us rode Barnstormer or Drop Line because it just felt like a bit much for either of us so we can’t report.  Also, neither of us liked Thunderhead because it is a super rough wooden rollercoaster.  We rode it three times but then gave up because we always left with a headache.  We also loved Dragonflier, it’s fun but not scary (another legs suspended one), but only got to ride it twice.  It’s FastPass limited, and the lines were long, and Wildwood Grove is set far back from the rest of the park. 

So go for the rides.  It’s worth it.  We rode a few others but we focused on those.  Also, we did one live music show which was good, featuring Dolly’s niece, but I didn’t get to do most of the shows because of little bit’s focus on rides.  I did drag her to Dolly’s museum which was fabulous.  Those clothes!

I can’t even – all original from the 9 to 5 movie

Next up, FAST PASS!  I laughed when I first saw it.  It’s a paper badge you wear around your neck that the ride operators hole punch when you’re in the Fast Pass line.  Well, I’m not laughing anymore.  After the brutality of Fast Pass scheduling at Disney, this was a breath of fresh air.  Each day, you have a card that allows you to use your Fast Pass for 10 rides on the most popular rides at the park.  You may only use the pass once for Dragonflier, Lightning Rod, and Firechaser Express.  Because of that limitation, and because those first two have long lines, we didn’t get to ride those very often. 

However, no one at Firechaser Express ever checked our Fast Pass badge.  So we got to use that Fast Pass line as often as we wanted.  It wasn’t the only time we hopped into a Fast Pass line that didn’t check.  The long lines always checked though – so expect to get clicked at most.  Still, we didn’t use all 10 hole punches on either of our two days.  It will be impossible to return to Disney after these super short wait times.  Little bit was utterly spoiled.  When we walked up to the TSA Pre-check line at Knoxville, surpassing the longer line on the other side, she inquired, Is this the Fast Pass line?  TSA, I have an idea for some rebranding.

Last, the food.  Now, the food isn’t healthy, it’s nearly impossible to find a salad (I wasn’t looking very hard) but it is good and reasonable.  Both days we ate late lunches at a buffet (scoff if you will, but the food was fresh and hot).  Miss Lillian’s Smokehouse cost us $28 for cold salads (potato, coleslaw, corn, etc.), hot sides (mashed potatoes, macaroni, green beans, corn, bread, etc.), fresh meats (roasted and fried), along with a dessert buffet and bottomless drink.  That’s insane considering I couldn’t get one person a meal with a drink and dessert for $28 at Disney.  Plus the fried chicken was delicious.  The second day we tried Aunt Granny’s Restaurant which had an even broader array of foods, and a very lean salad bar, along with servers who refilled your drinks and cleared your dishes.  That cost $32.  I’ve just never experienced hot food with multiple options at an amusement park before.  I’m not a buffet restaurant person but it really worked well for the park.  Between the big breakfast at the hotel, and late lunch, we never ate much but a snack for dinner. 

There are some drawbacks.  Going in the summer meant afternoon storms, so we lost three hours each afternoon.  The second day we used it to catch the shuttle back to the hotel and let little bit swim in the indoor pool.  It is crowded in the summer so the bumping and smells that go with an amusement park in warm weather is there.  (And it appears I’ve picked up some viral skin bug, so that’s super fun…)

The crowd at the resort and park is not diverse.  It was noticeable enough for little bit to comment on it.  Her next mommy and me trip may be abroad (since each kid only gets to go every third year, she’ll be 12 for the next one when I’m lifting the US restriction, budget permitting) and we’ll be intentional about seeing new places and cultures. 

The objective of this trip though was one on one time together and roller coasters, so mission accomplished! 

If you enjoy amusement parks, this is one you should try.  It’s easy, and set just outside the picturesque Smoky Mountains, so a trip to Dollywood would also give you quick access to gorgeous camping or hiking if you’re so inclined. 

The eldest’s mommy and me trip is already planned.  Get ready for a wild and wooly recap next January when he and I take on the National College Football Championship in New Orleans.  Heaven help us!