boundary boss

Boundary Boss: Juggling Is No Joke

October 25, 2016 by Gindi Leave a Comment

Welcome back to our periodic installment of Boundary Boss, where we discuss setting smart boundaries to improve how we live. Every post is inspired by you – women I meet or who email me or conversations with friends.

I sat down around a kitchen table with a few friends while the kids played in the background.

One woman was frazzled. I get frazzled. I live frazzled if I’m not careful.

She rattled off a list of the things she had going on: throwing a neighborhood party, hosting a breakfast for a team, running to a wedding, organizing a Halloween event, helping a friend, shuttling to kids parties and activities, and tackling her growing list of work requirements.

She looked completely overwhelmed. I knew it immediately because I’ve seen that same face looking back at me from the mirror before.

I really love everything I’m doing. But there’s so much. And I don’t know how to say no when people need me and it does sound fun when I’m asked. It’s just…

And she trailed off, recognizing we all know the end to that sentence: It’s Too Much.

She was juggling all the things. She had no time to sit still. I don’t even know if she remembered how.

When I was trying to figure out how to work and volunteer and parent and wife, I heard wise advice: We’re all juggling balls. Some are glass. Some are rubber. You will drop balls. You have to know which ones are glass and which ones are rubber and decide which ones can drop.

Some things we can afford to drop. Some we cannot.

Consider my list of glass balls I can’t drop: my relationship with God and my husband and kids, my work deliverables, my health, and my friends.

What are yours?

Everything else, as important as it feels at the time, can drop.

We returned to our conversation. I empathized and engaged: Every yes you offer is a no to something or someone else. If you say yes to that party, who are you taking away from? Your family? Work? Peace of mind?

Here’s the truth: Offers, invitations, recognitions, promotions, travel, opportunities, rarely look bad when extended. It’s in the execution we lose.

What should you/me/she do?

When first asked to do something, never respond immediately. That’s when I make the worst decisions because I don’t understand the impact of my yes or no yet. Q: Can you help with the bake sale? A: I’m not sure, let me check my calendar. Q: Can you join our board this year? A: Thank you for the consideration. Let me talk to my family.
Make a list and a calendar. Write down everything as it would fall, not just in the day or week, but over the entire course of the month. Do not just write down the commitment. Write down the work you’ll have to do for the commitment. If you join a board, it’s more than a two hour meeting once a month. It’s the hours of volunteer activity leading up in preparation. If you agree to be room mom, it’s more than sending an email once a week. Write those hours in and when you will do them. Who is losing? Do you sacrifice bedtime stories with the kids? Do you get 5 hours instead of 7 hours of sleep?
Say no more than you say yes. Ugh. I know this is a hard one. Make yourself write down what you are saying yes too. Then make yourself say no too. When you know in advance you’re going to have to say no and not JUST yes, then you will weigh your yeses more carefully.

We love you workers. I am a worker. The old saying goes, if you want something done, then give it to a busy person.

But give yourself a break. We need you around a long time to do all those good works. Don’t burn out. Give yourself some grace to drop those rubber balls so you can keep those glass balls safe.

Boundary Boss, Playdate Parameters

October 13, 2016 by Gindi 1 Comment

Welcome back to another installment of Boundary Boss. I’ve gotten so many ideas but have had little time to write. Today, we’re talking about how we set boundaries for our kids when they visit friends. Because it’s us, as parents, having to set the boundaries.

As you know, the trio just turned 7. There’s a lot that comes with that age. Sleepovers start, slowly. Play dates at friends houses without the parent accompanying the child. Those are new, and potentially challenging, circumstances for those of us who didn’t grow up with technology but are raising kids with technology.

I remember hanging out with my girlfriends in upper elementary school. One friend in particular I remember spending our time outside at her farm listening to Kenny Rogers while laying out (it was the early ‘80s in Kansas, give me a break), or she’d come over and we’d play records and chat in my room.

Growing up, we had no phones, no computers, no video games, one t.v. with a knob in the living room that got 13 stations, plus my dad was the town preacher. I was pretty safe.

As parents, Bray and I are pretty conservative in our parenting style. Plus, we’re both pretty low-tech people. We each have an iPhone which as a rule, unless the kids steal it without our consent to make a movie, the kids aren’t allowed to use. I have a four year old iPad with parental controls where the kids can play a few minutes of educational games or the eldest can watch old college football games to get him through the off season. We have one t.v. and it’s in the main room. We don’t watch the news until the kids go to bed (who can watch it in front of kids these days), and they’ve only watched animated movies, old school non animated movies (think Swiss Family Robinson and Bedknobs and Broomsticks) and the original three Star Wars movies (that’s as adult as we’ve gone). We have no video games and the kids don’t get on our one computer.

We’d like to keep our kids kids as long as we can. That means, as parents, we have to ask hard boundary setting questions when it comes time to play at other kids houses (I wish I could host every single kid hang out, and I really hope we have the house where kids come, but I know they need to visit friends too!).

First of all, we get to know the family first. Because we’re at a relatively small school and the kids join activities, we’ve had a decent amount of luck doing that at each school. But still, there are things we don’t know. In talking with other moms, here are the questions we like to know the answers to before letting a child head to a friend’s house:

Does your child have access to a computer/iPad? Does it have parental controls? Do they watch it unsupervised? Can you make sure they don’t watch it unsupervised while my child is visiting?
Do you have guns? Are they locked up? (Bray is a hunter so we have no problem with guns. But ours are locked up and I want to make sure everyone else’s are too.)
Do you plan to watch movies while my child is over? Could you let me know what it is? (The kids can watch PG movies but no violence/”dark spirits” type movies.)
Do you have video games? What are they? (If the kids want to play video football, great. If the kids want to play a war video game, not so much.)

I think these are hard conversations to have. But the even harder conversation to have would be when your child gets exposed to adult content, even if it wasn’t intentional. If we set the boundaries about rules outside our home, then the other families will hopefully feel comfortable with their child visiting you because they know you will care equally for their kids.

What about you? Do you ask families questions before a sleepover/playdate? How have you been able to effectively set boundaries for your children as they move from the little kid stage to the big kid stage? (I know teen conversations are entirely different – but this 7 to 11 age is a critical one to protect as well!)

Boundary Boss, Volunteer Limits

September 15, 2016 by Gindi 1 Comment

Welcome back to our periodic column, Boundary Boss, all about setting boundaries to improve our lives.

Today we tackle how to set limits on our volunteering.

Volunteering is awesome! I am volunteer-in-chief! It’s how the non profit, church, community, school worlds go ’round. But all too often, we let volunteering take over our lives to the detriment of our family or job or health.

I had dinner with a friend one evening when she shared about recent uncomfortable conversation. She’d agreed to substitute teach when needed for a children’s Sunday School class. If you’ve ever volunteered for any kid activity, you know how generally short-staffed groups are on volunteers. The next Sunday, the organizer approached her with details of the year’s curriculum since she’d designated my friend as the class leader!

What?

My friends eyebrows shot up and she politely replied, “Oh no, I’m sorry. I volunteered to substitute if a need came up. Not to lead.”

“Oh I know,” came the pleading reply, “but we don’t have anyone to lead the class and we so desperately need you to serve this year.”

Worthy, worthy is this cause. But it wasn’t something my friend could take on. She already had competing church responsibilities not to mention a husband and kids to juggle on Sunday mornings.

She wisely replied (because this friend is SO wise), “I’m sorry. I cannot lead this class. If you need me in a pinch, please call. But I cannot serve every Sunday.”

After sharing the story, she looked at me and said, “I don’t mean to sound uncaring, but my dad taught me to ask, ‘is this my problem?’ And this was her problem, not mine.”

We have plenty of our own problems. All too often, we adopt other’s problems as ours too. But we need to ask, “Is this my problem?”

I’ve seen this happen personally. My husband agreed to help support the coach for our kids sports team. He was named head coach because “there was no one else.” Well now, that’s not exactly accurate, right? There were a dozen parents. Why did he need to serve as head coach just because he offered to help?

I’ve had this happen in organizations I work in. If you don’t lead this project/gala/fundraising, it won’t get done.

Ask yourself: is this my problem?

(That sounds so mean, I totally realize that. I wish you could hear my voice. I’m saying it all so earnestly.)

Your job, kids, marriage, health are your problems. If you can distance yourself a little from the ask, then it will help you discern the correct answer.

If you say yes to someone else’s problem, then you say no to something on your plate for which you do have principal responsibility.

So the next time an ask is pressed on you, ask yourself some key questions:

Do I want to do this? Would I enjoy it? Does it fit my skill set?
Is this my problem? Do I have direct responsibility for the outcome?
What do I sacrifice with my yes? Who suffers if I agree?
Do I really have time?

Take a step back and don’t allow yourself to give a response on the fly. Think about it. Set boundaries. Your life will be the better for it!

Boundary Boss: Kick the Mommy Guilt

August 25, 2016 by Gindi Leave a Comment

Welcome back to our periodic installment of Boundary Boss: advice on setting boundaries which inevitably disappear around us.

I’ve got a doozy for you today: setting boundaries so you can kick that mommy guilt out the door!

There are so many rabbit trails this could take, including how to free yourself of feeling bad you don’t grow and make your own organic food, but that’s not what we’re tackling here.

Today we’re tackling the ‘we-have-to-do-all-the-crap’ syndrome a lot of us suffer under.

Let me lead with the punchline: Say. No. Hear this sweet momma of a toddler or momma of six kids ranging from 5 to 19: you do not have to do all the crap. Your kid will be okay. In fact, your kid will probably be better than the kid of the mom who does all the crap because she’s so stressed out.

How did this topic come to be? Aside from the fact that I may or may not have suffered from this syndrome and it’s accompanying guilt when I do not do all the crap?

Well, I received two messages yesterday. One on vox from a friend of mine and one a text. These are exact quotes:

Mommy A: Ahhhh! It’s so hard! Attended a informational breakfast meeting this morning at school. I don’t know about you but I am always so tempted to jump in and volunteer to lead so much – room mom, Girl Scouts, etc. I’m really trying to do less this year. Quality versus quantity. Have another school meeting next week. Lord help me. Restraint is not easy. Stepping back is not my strong suit.

Mommy B: I have had to set an appointment with myself which has come at the cost of other’s people’s plans. And it’s interesting to see people’s reactions to this. What I’m finding is the people who have the most shocked reaction, like ‘what do you mean,’ are the people who do the same thing. They’ve learned to set boundaries, and they’ve held to them, but apparently can’t accept anyone else’s. I’m sorry everybody in the world, I have to take the summer off. So, whatever that means for everything else, so sorry, see you when we start back. I have had to tell people no! Sorry, I don’t know what to tell you, I’m not going to feel guilty.

Isn’t that fascinating??? Don’t you relate to every single word of Mommy A and don’t you want to figure out how to get to where Mommy B did?

Some of you have no problem saying no. You can dole out the no’s without flinching. But a lot of us, especially when it comes to stuff for our kids, are spitting out yeses through gritted teeth even when we know no is the right answer.

Yet a yes, even though we’re doing it “for” our kids, actually becomes a no with our availability or bandwidth or patience for our kids. I remember attending a leadership conference in New York, and one of the speakers wrote this book called The Smartest Kids in the World. She traveled the world to understand why other countries were ahead of the U.S. in educating children. I vividly remember this remark: studies show that the smartest and most engaged kids are not the ones whose parents were PTA moms or class parents, but rather kids whose parents read to them and read themselves. Afterwards, I walked up to her and said, THANK YOU, I READ, MY KIDS WILL BE FINE!

I am not saying don’t volunteer. Lord help us if parents didn’t volunteer. I’m saying, don’t volunteer for everything. Here are a few tips:

Decide what’s important to you, and do that. That one thing. For me, it’s Christmas parties. I adore school Christmas parties. I like to organize the activities and make special themed treats and volunteer during the party. So every year I email the teacher on the first day of school and ask how I can run or help with the Christmas party. It’s my thing. I basically don’t do anything else.
Let go off the mom guilt over the other stuff. I actually almost deleted that last sentence because I thought it made me look like a bad mom (even if it was true). Take a page from Mommy B’s playbook and say “whatever that means for everything else, so sorry.” Some of us can do more than others. Do what you can do and do what you are passionate about doing, but don’t do what you feel guilty about not doing.
Support the others running the show. If you do not run the show, you do not get to criticize the sweet soul who volunteered to run it. Don’t like the structure of field day? Feel super passionate about that? Then that’s your volunteer thing next year but don’t you say a peep about this year’s event. Snack mom brought goldfish and gummies and you only allow your kiddos to have yogurt and apples, then bring your own or take over snacks (but make it your ONLY thing).

[On a separate but related note: If any of you are control freaks (because I may or may not know someone, let’s just say a dear friend whose name starts with a G and has five letters) trying to run everything because you think you can do it best, you are crazy. Get some therapy. Your way is not the only way. The kids do not notice.]

Pick your thing. Not everything. You cannot do it all and you shouldn’t. Let go of the guilt. Learn to say no. Set some boundaries and I promise your kids (and your husband, and your friends, and your colleagues…) will thank you.

Boundary Boss: Time Blocks

August 18, 2016 by Gindi Leave a Comment

Welcome back to our periodic column on boundary setting! Last week, we talked about setting limits when people say things they shouldn’t.

Today, we’re talking about setting limits with our time. There are a lot of topics which fall under this category, and it is easily the foundation for the questions I get asked most.

One of the simpler time questions is how do I find time to: (1) get caught up on my work with all these calls/meetings, (2) meet someone for lunch a few times a month, (3) do business/professional development?

It’s true. Certainly when you work in a company, calendar items just pop up on your Outlook calendar because folks see “an opening” even if it was the half hour you were going to grab a sandwich.

Even if you work in an environment where folks don’t have access to your calendar, the inevitable pile up of meetings and conference calls crowd out your ability to do any “thinking” work much less squeeze in social or professional time.

Here are a few tips for making your work/extras load manageable:

1. Block recurring weekly appointment on the Outlook calendar from 11:30 am to 1 pm on Fridays. This is a strategy I have used for two years. There are times when that appointment has to give for work travel or an emergency situation (and the day may not be Fridays for you, but it’s the best one for me), but generally that block of time is sacred. I use it to meet friends for lunch or to catch up on family or administrative matters or just to listen to songs or a talk I’ve had on my to-do list. That time is a precious gift.

2. Granted, an hour and a half isn’t long, so I encouraged my girlfriend who runs a small law office to employ a different strategy. She and her partner are so busy taking client meetings and hosting three hour client deliveries, their backlog of delivery work often overwhelms them. For her, I advised block out Friday as your “no appointment” day. DO NOT take appointments that day. Make it an office policy. You can never dig out of being buried without uninterrupted hours; that, in turn, helps you serve your other clients/business lines by doing the thinking and research and written work necessary to support those meetings the rest of the week.

3. Ask if you are a required participant. So many of us getting meeting invites for two hour meetings or calls where there are over a dozen participants. If we’re needed at all, and sometimes we’re not, it’s for five minutes on the agenda. If you are required, ask for an agenda. Often, if there’s a long meeting, you are only needed for a half hour. If you host these mega-meetings, create agendas. Not only does it keep you on track, and help redirect people on rabbit trails, but it allows you to grant people the option of only attending the part relevant to them. You will be a superhero.

These are just a few of the tried and true time block tips and tricks. What has worked for you? What is your boundary challenge?