breast cancer

All is on track. Seven days down.  Thirteen more to go. 

I didn’t have anything burning to write about. 

So I went back and flipped through my social media posts. 

I like to move some of that information over here so I’ll have it for years to come. 

And this one is still one of my favorite moments post-surgery. 

I love to talk about goodness.  I’m an optimist.  People, in my book, are basically good. (I can be proven wrong with some…)  God is good.  Life is good.  Goodness is everywhere. 

But sometimes the goodness of people still catches me off guard. 

If you’re following my story, you know I was in a fair amount of pain for the week after surgery.  Partially driven by my stupid drain.  Partially driven by both of my breasts having been cut open. 

I tried to shower.  It was unsuccessful.  While you might think a partially crappy shower is better than no shower, you might be wrong.  My hair was matty.  I felt like the places I had been able to place soap, still had soap. 

Which brings me to Tuesday, February 9th.  I wrote: 
I was having a rough day. I was up at 4 am because I moved my arm wrong in my sleep and woke up feeling like I’d ripped a stitch. But I also just felt gross because I can’t wash and dry my hair. So I decided to try and find a place to do it close to my neighborhood. When I posted asking for recs, a neighbor and fellow breast cancer survivor, WHO I HAD NEVER MET, offered to come over and wash and blow dry my hair. In my kitchen sink. She was at my house in a half hour. Y’all. I am beside myself. This is just another audacious gift. And she also happens to be a mom at my kids school! I adore her and I feel pretty for the first time in a week!!! #godisgood #peoplearegood #momsrock #beatcancer

Seriously people.  A wife, mother of two, employee, and breast cancer survivor messaged me through Facebook (there is still good in social media) with her cell phone number and that sweet offer. 

I went back and read our message chain: Hi Gindi! I’m a neighbor. I had breast cancer 10 years ago and my kids go to Grace… so we’re practically sisters! It would be my pleasure to help you wash and dry your hair. I’ve helped girlfriends do this…it’s a wonder what a kitchen sink and stool can do! If you feel comfortable, please text me! I can be there in a flash!

And then her cell number. 

I cried re-reading it a month later. 

She really was there in a flash.  Thirty minutes from her message to her arrival. I even told her “my husband is going to think I’ve lost my mind,” because really! Who invites over a total stranger?

The difference that kitchen sink hair wash and blow dry made in my outlook for the whole week was incredible. 

And it gave me an entirely different perspective on how to help others. 

I cook. 

That really helps sometimes. 

But sometimes I could think outside the box. 

One friend offered to pack my kids school lunches.  Y’all – what kind of fabulous idea is that?

One friend sent me totally sarcastic cards every other week.  (I’m a total smart ass and needed a not depressing card.

Fruit. Food. Advice over the phone. Books. Blankets. Care of my kids. There is no way to list all the goodness.

What is it someone needs? How can I listen for tiny cues (or loud ones like mine was!) to support others in stress, health crisis, loss, etc.?

And how can I be the physical goodness of God here on Earth that so many have been for me?

Not the most original blog post title, I will grant you. But it’s clear. I have a cancer update for you!

First, let me say thank you. Those words feel woefully inadequate. We are blown away by our incredible community who lavished provision on us during the past couple of months. Thank you for the cards, calls, texts, emails, flowers, sweet treats, meals, and even the shampoo (more on that later!).

I will never be able to send enough thank you notes to express how grateful we all are. The baby was playing with two friends last week and he came home and ask, “Mom, are you cancer free?” “YES!,” I replied (a little sad our communication wasn’t clearer)! “That’s what I thought,” he said smiling, “I told T and P when they asked and they cheered!”

The fact that we have elementary school boys cheering about God’s miracle provision just makes me smile and cry at the same time.

Before I share a little more, let me just say my journey won’t look like anyone else’s. I know that everyone’s cancer journey is totally different and I have so many friends that have very different stories. Double mastectomies, prolonged chemotherapy treatments, recurrences within the year, clinical trials, etc. I hope I know better how to care and love those battling this disease now, but my story looks different.

On February 1st, I laid out five prayer requests. Audacious but we have so many people praying. SO MANY – thank you! In fact, I made a map for the kids to show them how many states had someone praying for my cancer fight. (See map picture above! If you have been praying in a location that isn’t marked, would you drop me a comment? The kids and I have loved watching God’s coverage from coast to coast (and beyond)!)

I’m just going to lay out every single request and how God has answered!

Number 1 – clean COVID test.  As you know, my entire family got COVID in January! Y’all, it is INSANE I did not get it. I stayed in the house with them the whole time. I tested on February 2nd and THAT NIGHT we got the negative test result back. It’s honestly a miracle. MDA would have canceled the surgery if it was positive. And what we didn’t know then, is it likely would have bene rescheduled for a couple of weeks out WHEN THE WINTERPOCALYPSE hit Houston! Thank you for praying for this.

Number 2 – the surgery on Thursday.  The surgery went beautifully. First of all, Bray dropped me off at 7 am so I didn’t have to wait around all day with no food and water. The surgery started a little after 9 am and they were calling him to pick me up at 1:30.

The surgery was two parts. First, the oncological surgeon removed the tumor and my sentinel lymph nodes. The initial lab reports showed clean margins and no cancer in the lymph nodes but they had to be sent off to evaluate. Then, the plastic surgeon cut tissue out of my left breast and placed it in my right breast to even them out. In addition to cutting the center of the breasts, they also cut the underneath to “lift” them. Then they inserted a drain on my right side to drain fluids from my right breast to prevent infection.

Number 3 – Smooth recovery.  It was as smooth as a moderately painful surgery can be. Mine was FAR LESS painful than my friends who have gone through mastectomies and multiple drains.

I was in discomfort the first week. The drain especially made it hard to get around or sleep. I have to wear a bra for six weeks and the pressure against the incisions hurt. Plus I couldn’t shower or wash my hair that first week without feeling like I would pass out.

However, the recovery went as it was supposed to with no complications. No infections. No extended drains because of fluid build up. And no clotting. All mercies over mercies.

Number 4 – The test results.  Here is where I need you to SIT DOWN! The preliminary results were good. Then last week my oncological surgeon told me that they cleanly extracted the tumor without any remaining cancer (1.3 cm, stage 1 as they estimated). Further, the sentinel lymph nodes were completely clear; one of the two results we needed in order to avoid a course of chemotherapy.

But then, something I didn’t even know to pray for. My oncologist told me via video visit on Monday that 50% of the tumor was non-invasive. If you’ve been following my cancer posts, initially I was diagnosed with DCIS – an invasive ductal carcinoma. Half of it WASN’T EVEN INVASIVE. They never treat noninvasive cancer with chemo.

We’re not done. They have sent off the tumor for genomic testing. The oncologist said though that she believes the need for chemo is low. So much so that I’ve gone ahead and had my visit with radiation. The doctor will do a CT scan and mark me up on Wednesday in order to set out my treatment plan and I should begin a course of radiation the week of March 1st (three weeks of radiation of the right breast with a fourth week of a “booster” where the tumor was). Radiation side effects are fatigue and possible skin burn. I would certainly love continued prayers for the genomic test results and the radiation treatments.

Number 5 – A late add.  My best friend’s arrival.

Ha – you prayed too hard!! If you followed us on the socials, you saw she arrived and then SHE STAYED. More on that sweet visit later this week, but Kristin and her daughter got in on February 11th. We had a very cold but fun visit down to Galveston for the weekend.

Then the polar vortex trapped all of Texas where they were with no power or water. Instead of flying out on Monday, she flew out on THURSDAY!

I loved having her but wished the conditions were more hospitable. And her family may never let her leave again! We’ve decided after our last couple of trips with weather calamity, we’re only traveling in April or October and then only to Florida!

There were so many other miracles that you can’t even see in this report. For example, on the 11th MDA canceled my 12th appointment to remove my drain. I was a wreck. Completely crying and melting down and leaving very sad sack messages with the MDA nurses. They fixed it and got me in even earlier in the day. Had I not gotten that drain out, I would have been stuck with it another entire week because of the weather closures.

Big and small, God COVERED US! You covered us! We are so overwhelmingly thankful.

I’ve been practicing gratitude for years. I’m an optimist, so gratitude, seeing the good, is a tool I can implement. Receiving, on the other hand, is harder for me.

I’ve mentioned we grew up without a lot. Lots of love and community, but not a lot financially. We often were on the receiving end of many kind people’s donations – clothing, food, Christmas, etc. But as a result of that, by the time I was in my 20s, I felt strongly I never wanted to be on the receiving end. I’m more than happy to give, but if someone even wanted to buy me a cup of coffee, then I sought the opportunity to buy theirs the very next time.

At the worst of this struggle with receiving, it was almost like I kept a scorecard in my head so I wasn’t “taking.”

The past couple of months have taught me, and my husband, a lesson in learning to receive.

The outpouring of love and provision has honestly overwhelmed us.

I was voxing my best friend today because I was so overwhelmed I didn’t even feel like I could ask God for anything else because we had been given SO MUCH. She and I started discussing how we can both use these times in our lives when God rains down generosity in the hard seasons to testify to His goodness while simultaneously recognizing that is not everyone’s experience.

Everyone does not have a community to show up. Everyone does not have test results answered as they cried out for in the middle of the night. But she shared this as we talked: You have to be careful not to diminish God’s goodness or His ability to do something powerful in your situation just because there may be other people who are not getting the miracles that you are. Because the reality is that happens all the time. We saw miracles with Isaac [her son] and then we didn’t. But we saw miracles after his death too… If our story of God’s goodness and God’s love can draw people to Him, then it’s an honor to be able to walk that path.

So I wanted to write this down. Here. To lay down a marker and a reminder of His lavish goodness. To remind myself, when the miracles don’t always look like this.

I know not everyone has these answers to prayers. I recognize there is such suffering and prayers called out that don’t see answers like they had hoped (I know because that’s been me too). So I pray for others as I sit in hospital waiting rooms, lying on hard tables in operating gowns.

Here, today, I mark the goodness of God in our situation.

From the beginning, in December, people showed up. We had a pan of enchiladas from neighbors, a bag of items specially selected for me and the kids from law school friends who had polled survivors, we had flowers from parents of kids friends, and we had cookies, oh mercy did we have cookies (and bread!) from friends near and far.

And I was doing fine, better than fine, I was managing. Juggling. Doing the things. Until COVID hit. January 10th I fell apart. That’s when community utterly covered us in love and help. Before, we had affirmatively been turning down offers. Now, I weakly replied, “okay, thank you…”

For seven straight days, provision arrived. Baskets on the front door. Meals and meals. Treats to cheer. Parents from the kids school, colleagues, friends, neighbors, it was insane. On one day, we had delivery from our favorite Mexican spot, a bag full of frozen meals from a neighborhood eatery, cards, and two bags full of fresh fruit.

We were so completely covered in prayers and kindness during the double-C whammy last month.

Life normalized last week, then this week there was so much to pray over. I was particularly focused on yesterday’s COVID test coming back negative. It seemed insane that everyone in my house could have tested positive for COVID and I could have escaped it. Miraculous.

There’s a story in the Bible where a man asking for a miracle says, “Lord I believe, help my unbelief.” I felt like that. Lord, I believe this test can come back negative and heavens know so many are praying for that result so the surgery can proceed, but please help my unbelief…

People planned meals to cover us for the rest of this week. A dear friend is taking the boys on Friday to keep things a little less hectic on my first day post-op. All the moms from the kids grade delivered a gorgeous care package full of items that I’ll need for the reconstruction recovery. My best friend and her daughter are counting down the days until their arrival next week.

Bray and I even got an incredible surprise last night when our date night at one of our favorite spots and the check was covered by someone.

As I laid in an operating gown today, waiting for a dye injection so the surgeon could find my lymph nodes tomorrow, I didn’t even feel like I could pray. Tears leaked out of my eyes, ones I wasn’t even prepared for, and I said, God, it’s been too much. Too much goodness. Too much care. So many answers. I feel guilty. Greedy. I can’t even ask for this dye test to take on the first round because it seems insane to receive any more answers to prayers.

The good news is, God isn’t up in Heaven counting out blessings. Oops, seven for you this week – that’s too many. Need to make sure you don’t get any more… or Darnit, I can’t help Ron today because I took such good care of you…

I think sometimes that’s how we see Him though. We see everything so finitely.

But I’m learning. Tonight, three incredibly beautiful Godly women showed up on my back patio to pray over me. We’ve been in a discipleship group together since the fall. They are so precious to me. They laid their hands on me and prayed for God’s mercy and healing and for his blessings on my family and medical care team too. As we prayed, this wind blew through us and the wind chimes sang. The Spirit saying, I’m always enough. I have infinitely more than you need. Or ask. Or imagine. Let go. Trust me.

So I thank Him for his lavish provision. And I thank you for walking alongside me down this bumpy fork in the road.

We are reading through the Psalms as a family. Tomorrow is Psalm 23. Another gift. From a God of infinite mercies.