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Gindi Vincent

The Dish on Career, Fashion, Faith, and Family

hard conversations

Hard Conversations: The Ugly Internet

June 3, 2020 by Gindi 2 Comments

Yesterday, I talked about one of the hardest conversations we’ve been having as a family.  The one where we discuss racial injustice in our country. 

But it’s not the only hard conversation I’ve been having. 

This one, I haven’t had with the kids yet because, quite frankly, they are 10 and I have no idea how to have it. 

Bray and I have discussed for a number of years allowing the kids to have a phone in 6th grade (that’s just over a year away now), primarily to be able to reach us during after school sports practices and events.  No social media or data plans, simply a phone that enables contact. 

Let me start this particular hard conversation by saying I know parents are ALL over the map on this one.  In fact, there are very few issues where people are MORE all over the map than this one.  Some kids got phones in kindergarten and some didn’t ever get them.  This is a personal decision, and this is not a judgment zone, merely a seeking zone. 

The kids have long accepted this even though many of their friends (certainly the majority) got phones this past year.  One even commented to me on how useless the social media talk was at school because he knew he was never getting it.  (Ha!)

Now that we are approaching this period, I am talking to parents who have gone before me and seeing ways they have implemented protective rules and guidelines.  I have some ideas but I love hearing what has worked. 

I recently had one of those conversations with a mom of two teens.  I have known her a long time and she’s educated and involved with her kids.  But her question to me rocked me and I’ve been sitting with what’s next ever since. 

I told her we were delaying phones and then prohibiting social media for even longer.  She started talking about a free porn site where anyone can pull up images of porn on the internet regardless of your phone controls.  She suggested that if my kids hadn’t seen it yet, they surely would, as even if they didn’t have a phone, one of their friends would thrust it in their face. 

Then she said this, “You have to get to the point where you ask, do I want my kids to be popular or do I want to keep them from seeing porn?”

Let’s just sit with that question.

One I’m sure my parents friends never posed.

Let’s tackle the first bit. It has NEVER been a goal of our parenting to try to advance the kids popularity.  Both my husband and I were affirmatively unpopular and we survived.  Yes, it was painful, but we’re better humans for it (I like to think).

Our parenting goals are ambitious, but popularity is not on the list.  On the long list of parenting goals, we are seeking to build curiosity, a strong faith in Jesus, diverse interests, healthy practices, optimism, hard work, resilience, and a sense of love and security from their home base.

I want them to embrace their uniqueness and not feel compelled to conform.  That likely stands in direct opposition to popularity which feels a lot like an exercise in conformity. 

Further, in a world gone mad, whose priorities are utterly askew, I believe it could be incredibly challenging to “hang with the in crowd” and prioritize the actions Jesus compels us to take.

So, if we set the popularity piece aside, we are left with ready access to porn. 

And if not porn on their device, then porn shown from someone else’s device. 

So now what?

I do not know. 

I can tell you this – I do not want to have conversations about porn with my 10 year olds. 

I realize the ages of all these hard conversations are advancing, and we’ve had talks about boys and girls and babies and bodies and what God tells us and what science tells us every summer for three years.  Each summer, becoming progressively more informative as their maturing brains can process.

However, I’m in my 40s and cannot process porn, so I’m not sure how to tackle with children what’s out there electronically. 

Of course we have had safety conversations.  They are familiar with the concept of online predators.  But what about what just pops up? On the internet.  In movies.  In their ethos. 

And even if they don’t have data on their phones, we all know that they can get online with internet access most places now. 

So Bray and I have started this hard conversation with each other.  And then we’ll have it with the kids before they ever receive a phone. 

We are reading resources like Screenager about conversation starters and guardrails.  But I would welcome your insight.  You parents of teens who are a few years ahead of us on the road.  Within those conversation starters, whether on social media or here, I would ask for no judgment of other parents.  We’re all doing the best we can. 

On the spectrum, we are going to be at the stricter end.  If you’ve walked that path, and fought those fights, and had those hard conversations, I would love to learn. 

This is uncharted territory.  And it makes me sad.  Sad for innocence lost.  Sad to live in an age when there is so much BLECK thrust in our faces.  But we will chart this course and pray for wisdom.

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me – put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. Philippians 4:8-9

Filed Under: Family Tagged With: hard conversations, internet

Hard Conversations

February 11, 2016 by Gindi Leave a Comment

Delivering bad news.  Taking on conflict.  Confronting inappropriate behavior.  Explaining hurt feelings.  Changing course.

This happens at home, school, work, board rooms, churches, and in any personal or professional relationship which can exist.

I don’t know anyone who enjoys having hard conversations.

But everyone has to have them.

Avoiding hard conversations leaves you and the person needing to hear the message at odds and unable to move forward.  But delivering an unclear or mixed message makes the situation even worse, leaves the hearer uncertain of what you mean, and prolongs resolving the issue.

While no one wants to tackle hard conversations, having them effectively can significantly improve your lives and others.  Think of the mom who never disciplines her child because she doesn’t want to be “mean,” but then everyone around her has to deal with an unruly and ill mannered child.  Think of the employer who doesn’t want to let the offensive/lazy/inappropriate employee go because she doesn’t like conflict.  The entire work team is disrupted and her leadership ability is undermined.

 

  1.  Be clear.  This is the hardest but most critical element to hard conversations.  What is the message you want to deliver?  Know going in, in one to two sentences, what the message is and deliver it explicitly.  “I am sorry, but we are going to lose money on this investment.”  “You were disrespectful this week, so you may not go to the dance this weekend.”  “We are going to have to move.”  The best illustration of this is college acceptances or law firm offers when I was in school.  The college rejection letter, like the law firm rejection letter, was a short one page document.  “Thank you for your interest, we are unable to extend you an offer.”  It was hard to receive but I was clear on the message
  2. Be brief.  You do not need to be rude, but I find most of the muddling happens in trying to soften the blow of your clear punchline above.  When you throw a lot of words before and after your punchline, the hearer gets less clear on your resolve and may believe there is some negotiating still to do.  Take a conflict avoiding parent: We love you so much and we are so proud of you and you are such a blessing from God but we are concerned about the way you have been acting so we don’t want you to go to the dance this weekend but we’re going to make sure you get to go to the next one and you can still go out to dinner with everyone, etc.  It telegraphs lack of resolve and soon you’ll be negotiating.  This is even more important in the work environment.  An employee who thinks the promotion is still on the table when it is not, leaves you with a restless and confused worker.  A staffer who doesn’t believe the inappropriate language is a big deal, leaves you with ongoing behavior problems which may lead to even greater consequences for the worker and your company.
  3. Be respectful.  All too often people equate hard conversations with mean conversations.  You do not have to be mean to be clear.  Take for example not hiring an intern:  Thank you for spending your summer with us.  We cannot offer you a permanent position.  One critical characteristic of our full time employees is showing up consistently and on time so our clients know they can count us.  You struggled with that this summer.  We wish you the best in your future.  This message was not mean.  But it did communicate the reason the person did not receive the offer.  Thanking a person and wishing them well are basic tools of human politeness, but without giving a brief reason for the decision the hearer cannot improve.   Be calm and warm but decisive.

How do you deliver hard news?  What has worked, or not worked, when you received hard news?

 

Filed Under: Leadership Tagged With: hard conversations

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