marriage

Two Trees

December 7, 2015 by Gindi 1 Comment

There are two trees that stand tall and wide in knotted glory over the backyard.

I love these two trees that keep a watchful and shaded eye over picnics and football games and those who venture onto the swing hung from their branches.

I couldn’t stop looking at them this Thanksgiving week we spent at the farm though.

Sitting on the back porch, anyone can see they are clearly two trees. But as you begin to wander around the yard, it becomes less evident.

Their expansive branches fuse one right into the other so you can’t tell from above where the one tree stops and the others starts. If you walk to the driveway and study them from the side, you can’t see the window of space which separates one from the other and they merge in your vision into one magnificent mark of nature. Even though we can’t see their roots spread out deep into the soil, I am confident in the depth of the dark dirt they appear even more like one. Roots twisted and turned around each other having grown down deep into the same small space of land.

They’ve been tested and torn. They survived two massive hurricanes in the past ten years. They lost leaves and branches and limbs but still they stood. Each separate but inextricably intertwined with the other.

God’s illustration of marriage.

We’re approaching our ten year wedding anniversary. This week marks our first date twelve years ago.

We’ve faced some hurricanes of our own, one of the biggest hit this fall. This is what I know:

Our branches have begun to overlap so that from some angles we look more like one than ever.

Our roots have grown deep and twisted and turned around one another.

I need this man more today than I ever have.

I love this man more today than I ever knew I could when I began to fall all those years ago.

I have seen earthquakes and hurricanes tear down gorgeous couplings older and deeper than our own. In an era when marriages are assailed with powerful torrents every single day called pornography and addiction and financial indebtedness and loss and mistrust and technology and long hours at the office and Ashley Madison, it’s a wonder any still stand.

I’m not so naïve to think we are immune from the storms. In fact, I wouldn’t want our marriage to avoid all storms because then it wouldn’t be able to withstand a simple bayou breeze when it came through. I know the rain comes and the storms beat on all the houses (Matthew 7) and trees, and the only way a house has a chance of standing is if it’s built on the Rock or rooted deep in Him.

So we pray for strength. We pray for grace. We pray for mercy. We pray for wisdom. We trust that our faith will allow us to draw from something deeper so we will remain standing on the other side of the storm.

I know marriage is hard. (Some days. Some days it is awesome and fun and easy and a piece of cake…) But the ones that withstand the storms are such a beautiful picture of who God is and how two unique and lovely independent trees can come to grow together and rely on one another.

Another Good Year – Number Nine

May 6, 2015 by Gindi 1 Comment

I’ve tag-lined my anniversaries.

Last year was the Good Working Year.

This year was a continuation of the same. In the best and most wondrous way.

After hitting rough patches in the past, I don’t for one moment take the gift of another good year for granted. As friends have experienced distance and separation and even death in their relationships, I feel the enormity of having another good year. Each year takes work. Each year we have fights. Each year requires compromise. But I think we compromise better. I think we love better. I think we recognize our mistakes better.

Just this week, I made some “outraged” remarks in response to a certain future set of his travel plans. It was completely unnecessary (and inappropriate). I left the table, put the kids in bed, and went to bed myself. When Bray came to bed, I felt God clearly nudging me to apologize for my bad behavior. I do apologize, but some apologies are harder than others and this was one.

I laid there debating whether to apologize and finally realized I’d be letting God and Bray both down if I didn’t resolve this before he fell asleep. I apologized for the way I had reacted, and then the next morning I apologized to his dad who had witnessed the whole thing. That was NO fun. But five years ago, I’m pretty sure I would never have apologized. Heck, I might not have even recognized how wrong I was.

Hanging in there through the tears and triumphs teaches us how to spot our own relationship weaknesses. Sticking it out through the best and worst of times makes you a better person. That single moment taught me how to take responsibility when I’m out of line whether it’s in marriage or parenting or friendship.

We’ve been together now for eleven and a half years.

We’ve seen pink lines on pregnancy tests after years of struggling.

We’ve learned how to be a team better than ever because that’s how we have to make it work with two full time careers and three preschoolers.

Since the day he proposed, I have never once questioned my yes was the best yes I’ve ever given to a question. It doesn’t mean we haven’t struggled. But I have never doubted that Bray is specifically who God selected to make my life fuller and saner and happier and zanier and unpredictable-er!

I am so grateful to have another year to learn how to live well with the love of my life.

Pretty Girl, The Marriage Miss

April 26, 2015 by Gindi 1 Comment

“Hey guys,” he jovially tossed back to the group he boarded with, “at least I get to sit next to a pretty girl.”

A man about my age smiled down at me, and dropped into the seat next to me on our plane bound for the East Coast.

I suppose some part of me should have been bothered, but once you turn 40 you don’t hear the term “pretty girl” tossed around much, so I just took it as a nice remark by one of those men who flirt as a pastime.

He started with the makings of small talk, but I’m not much one for conversation on airplanes, so his chattered slowed as I stuck my nose in a book.

He took up a laughing, irreverent, conversation with a colleague seated behind him, and they casually mentioned their wives as they talked about all their travel.

I wondered, does he call his wife a pretty girl? Does he come home after another week away and say, hey beautiful, I sure have missed my pretty girl?

Maybe he does.

But maybe, probably, he doesn’t.

I can say that because I don’t. I mean, of course my husband would think I was crazy if I called him pretty girl, but I sure have been traveling a lot lately, and I don’t walk in the door giving him my best megawatt smile and offering an enthusiastic connection.

The kids tackle me, as well they should, and I offer a passing kiss and assessment of the level of my exhaustion. Never mind that he’s been on the hook the past month with a demanding full time job and playing parent and a half while I complain about loud hotels and rush to take a shower.

On the road it’s all first impressions or client satisfaction, but at home it’s survival and business and barely a thanks for saving my neck this week.

I’ve shared a little about this here before, but boy, when will I get better about this?

If our husband is at the top of our priority list (if not, that should be taken up FIRST), then why do we treat him like an enemy on the days he’s our strongest ally?

How can we start to change this underbelly phenomenon? I’ve been thinking a lot about it now that I’m a week away from celebrating another wedding anniversary… Here’s what I suggest for the next seven straight days:

1. Kiss like you are still dating the second you or he walk in the door after work. I mean really kiss your man. Think about when he asked you to marry him. Remember how you kissed him after you said yes? Do that. If your kids are standing right there, all the better. Your kids need to see you still kissing like you love each other.

2. Don’t unload. You may need to tell him that you got a bad review or your girlfriend wouldn’t talk to you, but do NOT lead with that story. Wait until after dinner at least. If it was an all around hard day, then respond to the “How did your day go?” question with, Well it just got A LOT better handsome!

3. Say thank you. My house is a serious partnership. From school lunches to paying bills, he is on the hook for a huge chunk of our family responsibilities. But because he’s done it for so long, I forget to let him know how much it means to me. Start saying thanks again. Maybe your household isn’t quite as equally divided. But your husband did something to help this week. He changed the bathroom light out or took out the pail of stinky diapers or had the hard conversation with your teenager or fixed your tire. Let him know how much you appreciate him.

These are not revolutionary ideas. I’m sure a hundred people have written books about these concepts. But sometimes we just need to remember that our marriages are gathering dust, and it’s time we shined them up so they can be the featured award for a change.

Try it for seven days straight. Start a new pattern. Make this the most important thing you do this week. He is worth it. Your marriage deserves the attention.

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