the best yes

You did it!  You made it through to the very last installment of our walk through Lysa TerKeurst’s The Best Yes!

What was the single most important lesson you learned?

I’m not sure, it’s a hard one for me, but I sure loved Chapter 8 on release and Chapter 5 on every assignment not being MY assignment.  Probably the most important reminder was the power of a small no in Chapter 11.  And then today.  Whoa.

We tackle the final two chapters right here at the close of the year: Chapter 18, When My Best Yes Doesn’t Yield What I Expect, and Chapter 19, We Make Choices Then Our Choices Make Us.

Do not miss Chapter 18 if you have ever walked through disaster, crisis, heartbreak, or failure.  Let this give you hope as we enter the new year:

Let this unexpected happening point to your strength, not your weakness.
Maybe you’ve been entrusted with this.  Not cursed with it.
Chapter 18, p. 221, The Best Yes

Whatever the hard thing is you are facing, do the next right thing right in front of you to do.  No matter how much it hurts to do the right thing.  She quotes President Theodore Roosevelt as saying, “In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing.  The worst thing you can do is nothing.”  {===>Click To Tweet}

I could not put the message to you any better than Lysa did herself:  Friend, you are strong.  You are persevering, tough, able to bend without breaking, willing to be humbled to the point of humiliation, not blinded, a hunter for wisdom, a praying-through-it woman, a courageous gal, one who wants to learn the deep dependence of following hard after God Himself…From that cracked open-heart place, a God-breathed strength will rise. Rise. Rise. (Chapter 18, p. 225)

In Chapter 19, she closes by commending us to mix together all of the wisdom we have picked up along this journey – day by day, decision by decision.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.  James 1:4-5

So share your thoughts?  What will you be taking into your new year as you strive to offer respectful nos and best yeses?

We’re almost through!  Thank you ladies for hanging in there with me.  Hopefully you’ve picked up as many useful tips as I have and can really implement them as you choose your yes and your no in the coming New Year.  Today, we’re looking at Chapters 16 (The Panic That Keeps You From Your Best Yes) and 17 (The Very Best Yes) of Lysa TerKeurst’s The Best Yes.  {If you’ve missed some of the study, just click on leadership topic on the right hand side of this blog, and you’ll see the series; because we know that smart leaders offer smart nos and yeses.}

We lead off today’s study by identifying panic that can hold us back.  I’ve struggled with fear on and off my whole life, but it really reared its ugly head once I had kids.  Well fear, or panic, can encompass more than just worrying about our family, “People can drown in things besides water.  You know where I see this most often? A woman’s insecurities.  It takes courage to say no.  It takes courage to say yes.  It takes courage to change the unhealthy patterns of our decision-making.  And anytime we need to be courageous, our deepest insecurities can make us want to back down from change.”  (Chp 16, p. 194)

Does that resonate with you?  I know the voice inside my head can shout down many a best yes decision out of fear or panic.  Here’s the reality and what Lysa identifies.  We do not have a fixed set of skills that never expand or grow.  Yet often we believe that’s true and that our limitations constrain us from achieving what we really want most out of life.  Instead, and research bears this out, we can grow because we have potential.  Wherever we are today and whatever we do, we have potential beyond that we currently exhibit.  For those of us with a faith foundation, we know that we humans have limitations but that our God does not and His freedom and power can give us exponential growth potential.

Lysa’s tip to embrace the growth mind set over the fixed mind set is to eliminate “but” from your vocabulary.  Nothing good ever came from that little word being used in our personal storyline.  “I want to speak, but I’m not polished enough.”  “I want to lead, but I don’t have the connections others do.”   Transform “but” into “therefore.”  “I want to speak, therefore since God laid this passion on my heart He will give me the words and the ability.”  Lysa uses scripture to empower her therefores; this is one of my favorites, “I am a child of God, therefore no weapon formed against me will stand. (Isaiah 54:17)”  (Chp 16, p. 199)

Then, in Chapter 17, Lysa shares a story of a broken heart and how brokenness can impact our Best Yes.  We’ve all been there and had deep heartache, and in those sad or angry or anguished places we overlook the forest for the trees and don’t choose a best yes response.  She shares, “Hard places can so easily make us want to default to using our feelings rather than wisdom as our guide.  That’s not the best time to make a decision.  At least not alone.  In those moments when we feel swept away in a current of fast-moving feelings, we need to pause.  Wait.  Let someone else be there as a voice of clarity.”  (Chp 17, p. 208)

I can’t tell you how often I have used this strategy.  Certainly there are times I haven’t.  But so often my core group of wise and savvy girlfriends step in to show me restraint and help me make a wise choice rather than an emotional one.

Do you have a person or people you can go to?  If you don’t, cultivate a relationship this year with someone whose judgment you trust that you can turn to for perspective.  If you do, then thank those people this season and make sure you are provide them wise counsel as well.  Make sure your “go-to” friends have gone through hard seasons as well and can appreciate the challenges that making hard choices in hard times brings.  Also, make sure they are not the folks that just agree with you.  You need wisdom in these seasons, not a rubber stamp of your emotions.

I leave you with the scripture shared in Chapter 17 that remind us that wisdom often grows from these hard seasons – I’d love to hear what connected with you this week:

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.  James 1:2-5

 

Friends, bear with me.  I feel like I’m sliding in here at the end.  I’m a little behind what with all this Christmas wonder 🙂

Today we’re on Chapters 14 and 15 of The Best Yes study, and we’re moving from how to say no to how to know when to say YES!  Wahoo – the yeses!

This wisdom laid the foundation for the insight to come: “We want big directional signs from God.  God wants us to pay attention.”  (p. 170)

It’s true, right?  We often seek out some big clear signal that the right yes is staring us in the face when often the answer is more subtle, but the answer can be just as clear if we’re centered and willing to pick out the indications along the way.

Lysa quotes the optimistic and insightful Bob Goff from Love Does, “The brand of love Jesus offers is more about presence than undertaking a project.” (p. 172)

What should you say yes to because it requires you, uniquely you?  Your presence.  What should you say no to because it requires you to add to your ever growing to do list and any human could be substituted for the job?  It’s a project.  Think about the things that require your presence.  Being a wife, a mother, a sister, a friend, a colleague, a whatever it is, fill in the blank.  Doesn’t that help you get a little clarity over your best yes?

Be present with a heart bent toward love and daring to look at what’s been placed right in front of you…Refuse to get tangled up and held back by what you don’t know.  And most of all, know who you want to be and take the next step that points you in the direction of that character quality.

I close with some of the beauty from Chapter 15, The Thrill of An Unrushed Yes.  I don’t know if you welled up reading Lysa’s reminiscing over moments with those she loves most and her unrushed yes, but I did.  She’s right.  Sometimes it is the smallest yes that can make the most impact.  Tonight my kid’s exclaimed, “this is the best day ever!” because I served crackers and cheese and apple slices with our cowboy stew.  Y’all, I just made dinner and a pretty basic one.  I came home early and didn’t even have time to make cornbread to go with our stew because I was baking for the school Christmas party.  But we sat there to the simplest meals and talked about our days, and it was the best yes I’d offered this week.  I had a competing offer.  I could have been elsewhere.  I would have missed that.  One more of their “best days!”

Lord knows I do miss plenty of that.  I didn’t miss it tonight.  As a Type A planner girl, I’m actively changing my focus these days to build space in my life for the unrushed yes.  The best yes.

Lysa sums it up like this, “This isn’t natural to me. I’m a task girl. I like accomplishing things. I like the thrill of moving forward, creating momentum, and getting stuff done. But the more I choose to pause and talk and really connect, the more I discover the thrill in the sacred spaces of relationships. Leaving room in my life for the unrushed yes strengthens the fabric of my relationships so they can better withstand the wear and tear of everyday life.” (p. 181)

What about you?  What best yes can you offer in this season that is all too often filled with frenzy and lists of things to do?

I wish I had more energy to give Chapters 10 and 11 of The Best Yes the attention they deserve because boy were they good.  Did you catch this quote right off the bat?  Did it ring as true for you as it did for me?  Every yes comes with expectations and if we haven’t identified them before we offer our response, we could be in for a world of hurt.

On p. 119, Lysa asks a lot of smart questions that I am going to start employing before deciding – it feels thrilling to say yes now but how will it feel in a couple of months, could this yes be tied to people pleasing, are there facts I’m avoiding…  Take that list with you.  And in her words, “evaluation eliminates frustration.”

Then in Chapter 11, I found extraordinary insight in her take on “The Power of a Small No.”  Oh y’all, I am really learning how to practice this technique this year and it is still hard.  “Early on, expectations and disappointments can be managed better with a small no.  But the more we let things develop and progress, the harder the no becomes.”  (p. 127)

I am so incredibly thankful for the requests for lunches or coffees or advice or speaking that have come in this year.  I am nothing special and I’m honored that people trust me for advice which I just pray every day that God directs me wisely if people seek counsel.  However, the most important people are my family (and then my friends and my clients).  There was no way I could say yes to all the requests but I didn’t say no.  So I would prolong the inevitable and invite a series of, “I can’t now,” or “ask me when my schedule dies down.”  The reality, and I knew it right away but delayed it anyway, was I didn’t have the bandwidth in this season.

This is how Lysa says no despite her people pleasing heart, “While my heart wants to say yes, the reality of my time makes this a no.”

There are times I need to say yes.  There are responsibilities I have to give back in the way so many before me gave to me.  But that reserve is not unlimited.  So I chose ways and people to invest and give back, and there are others I can’t connect with during this nutty time in my life.  So I will often say how truly honored I am to have been asked, {considered, invited, thought of} for a coffee, {lunch, meeting, event}, I just do not have the ability to connect individually right now.  It is a hard line for me to even type in this blog post, so even more so when it connects with a person, but I am learning that a small no, especially one that offers a suggestion or counsel in response, can be the wisest course of action.

What did you find most useful in these chapters?  Are you enjoying the study?