Gindi Vincent

The Dish on Career, Fashion, Faith, and Family

working moms

The Double Job Dare

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It’s been a little quiet around here lately.  Not quiet at home or work, but quiet here because of how busy it’s been there. 

I’ve been a bit at war with myself.  Maybe you working mommas will get this, but I rush around at work to get everything accomplished so I can just get home.  I eat lunch at my desk and reply to e-mails while listening to multi-party conference calls.  I am efficient.

Then, I fight traffic, and get home.  I throw my arms around my little people, kiss my hubby, and sit down to digest all they have to say about their day.

But there’s homework to be done.  There’s dinner to be made.  People need showers and reading time and there’s three of them and only two of us.  From every corner of the house shouts of “mommy, mommy” ricochet.

Within minutes, I’m exasperated and losing patience.  I haven’t had time to change out of my work clothes, so I can’t work on dinner or I’ll ruin them.  Even though I ran to the bathroom on my way out of work, I sat in traffic for almost an hour and need to go again but I can’t even get to the bathroom in my house.  I’m not sure which kid to prioritize with my first response, and whoever doesn’t receive adequate attention is sure to fall to the floor in protest.  (Creating what I’m sure will be thousands of dollars in therapy bills.  Kidding.  Sort of.)

For maybe the first time ever, I ‘fessed up to my husband, “I rush home desperate to get here, and then I get here and…,” I trailed off.  “You want to leave?,” he replied dryly.  “Kind of…,” I shrugged sheepishly.

Let me say what I know.  I know what a miracle it is we have a family.  We could have gone on with just the two of us and we both would have been heartbroken.  I know what a gift it is to have triplets.  They are beautiful and healthy and we are immeasurably blessed.  I know this is a stage and we will be so sad when our house is quiet.  They will eventually stop hollering for our help, and we’ll be back to the two of us longing for homework and mandatory reading time from first grade.

I truly know and believe all this.

However, it doesn’t make the season we are in any easier.  I have a demanding job which requires thoughtfulness and attentiveness and multi-tasking.  I arrive at work about 7:30 in the morning which means I wake up before 6 am every morning.  By the time I arrive back on my doorstep, I’m a tiny bit fried.

But then I have another demanding job which requires thoughtfulness and attentiveness and multi-tasking.  I need to read notes from school to make sure they wear theme colors and take pictures of their veteran grandparents and send treats for the holiday and make my mystery reader time.  I need to run to the grocery store and schedule their well visits (which I forgot have to be done 2 months in advance) and make sure I know when games are scheduled and tag team the gymnastics carpool and shower.  (Not kidding.  I need to put that on my list. It’s no wonder I’m not blogging more.  Showering has to make it on the list!)

This is not ingratitude.  This is just the occasional overwhelmed working mom moment.

Now keep in mind, none of these things are the “extras” I’ve long talked about setting boundaries around.  These are not board commitments (I have one this year), or parties (I’m throwing a casual holiday one), or volunteering (I teach Sunday School).  Those I set serious boundaries around and am far more limited with those commitments than in years past.

This is simply life in modern day American with a husband and a set of three first graders.  God bless every single one of you amazing women who are doing this solo.  I know it is ten times harder for you.

This is not a post with a three point plan for how to combat fatigue and loss of patience. Though if you have one, I’ll certainly take it.

It’s just me pretending we’re sitting at a table over coffee telling each other to hang in there.  We’re doing a good job.  The best we can.  We’ll catch up on our sleep in about 11 years, okay friend?  And until then, I’ll bring then triple grande nonfat latte on Saturday mornings while we let the kids run off their energy in the backyard.

Keep up the good work mom.  It’s hard.  But it will pay off in the end.

For the Working Mommas

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She responded to an email I’d sent to the neighborhood mother’s club.  She asked if I’d be willing to talk to her about going back to work after having a baby.  This was her first and she was riddled with anxiety.  Her return date was fast approaching.

Later the same night, another momma sent me a message on Facebook.  I don’t know how do you do it?  Aren’t you exhausted? You deserve a gold star. 

These two notes aren’t the first I’ve gotten, but receiving them this week, so close together, reminded me of our modern day plight.

We’re facing challenges different from the mothers before us.  Many of us had children later in life and had already established career reputations.  This sweet new momma I talked to over the weekend had worked for ten years in the oil and gas business before having this first baby and had an exciting job to go back to despite the downturn.

But we also are juggling more: older parents, high pressure parenting expectations (think Pinterest parties and private preschool athletic coaching), the intense promotion phase of our career, community engagement, and marriages we want to succeed.

I’ll lead with the same words I encouraged this new mom with, There is no one solution.  Everyone is different, so what works for you will be different than what worked for me.

For me, going back to work was never an option.  I had to go back to work.  But at the same time, the actual choice wasn’t a dilemma.  I wanted to go back.  As delighted as I was to become a new mom, I knew I would totally stress my kids out with my ambition and drive unless I had a career where I could funnel those traits.

For others, it is a very real question.  Sometimes, it doesn’t make financial sense to go back when the take home pay is measured against child care for multiple children and commuting costs.  Sometimes, there’s just no way you can bear to go back.  I had a relative who went back, was miserable, and promptly decided staying at home was the choice for her.

My recommendation when you’re torn is to try going back and see how it actually works.  Give it a few months.  This is an intensely emotional period for moms, and for me, my emotions didn’t really level out for almost twelve months.  I can barely remember those first few months back to work.  I remember being utterly exhausted and pumping on my commute to and from work and trying to understand how to juggle this whole working/parenting/wife-ing thing.  I did nothing other than show up for work and show up at home.  I dropped every single other commitment I had as I learned how this new phase would work.

But I’ve also received notes from mommas who have gone back, know it’s the right choice (or the necessary choice), and are screaming, hhhhoooooowwwwwwww?  It. Is. Hard.

We’re studying perseverance this month in the kids Sunday School class.  I shared a story on Facebook Sunday night about yet another mom fail I’d had:

I’m solo with the kids tonight, and we sat down to eat at the nice table while the eldest started shredding my beautiful table runner. I lost my temper because I was so tired of them not taking care of things. When the baby asked what was wrong after my outburst, I replied, “I’m tired of you all not taking care of things and I’m tired of me losing my temper.” They shouted, “Mom, PERSEVERE!”

There’s a lot of truth there.  Working and having young children is hard.  So my recommendation if you are working and parenting IS to persevere!  But don’t JUST persevere – recognize the daily beauty in these times too.

A lot of you know my story, so you know I almost didn’t get to be a momma.  I don’t want to be so exhausted and overwhelmed I miss all the awesomeness of this time.  I know it is hard, but I also know I will long for these stages when they’re gone.

Even though the kids are six, they still want to be picked up.  It’s none too easy, but I’m going to do it until I can’t.  Little bit called me her best pal the other night as we snuggled in bed.  The eldest told me it wasn’t possible that I loved him more than he loved me (I argued the point).  The baby told me this weekend I was his favorite thing right now.  They’re reading now so we curl up in bed and take turns reading to each other.  I paint toes and throw dodge balls and watch their bike races.

I do not regret working.  It is a choice I made, and I’m a better mom and person because it was the right choice for me.  I sometimes regret the frenzy and the rush that leads to short tempers and frayed nerves.  I wish I never lost my temper.  I wish I could make all the special events at their school.  I wish I had time to whip up healthy, hot, organic dinners.

But when asked how I do it, I say I do it with a lot of prayer, a rock star husband and family, and encouraging mommas who form this team to cheer each other on and who know we’re all in it together.