Infertility Anguish

I just finished praying for another woman.  A woman whose heart’s desire is to be a mom.  This was their last shot.   The answer, at least for now, is no.

Can I tell you my heart broke right alongside hers?  I felt absolute anguish for her. 

I haven’t written about fertility for a while.  If you’ve read our story, then you know we fought the ups and downs of the fertility roller coaster for years.  I know I have not met so many of you, but if you are in the throes of infertility anguish, I know your struggle.  My husband and I never considered a life without children.  It didn’t seem possible.  After almost two years of struggling I remember him telling me one night that it would change him, all this work he’s expending, if he couldn’t be a dad.  I felt the same way but no longer had any words to express my heartache. 

I know the disappointment.  Taking temperatures and charting cycles.  We did that for a while.  We moved to IUIs because we weren’t comfortable with the invasive nature of IVF.  We did three rounds.  Every month those negative pregnancy tests nearly killed me.  I stopped going to baby showers because I couldn’t smile.  I had to skip church Sundays if there were baptisms because I couldn’t stop crying.  I know the longer the battle goes on the harder it is to believe that you could have children.  I know it’s hard to pray brave prayers.  I know it’s hard to believe that God could work a miracle.  I actually questioned my faith and God’s love during our multi-year battle.  And I’m the daughter and granddaughter of a minister.  In the darkest pit, a dear friend continued to encourage me. 

Toward the end, my friends had to pray brave prayers.  Our triplets came during our third, and final, round of IVF.  People prayed brave bold miracle asking prayers for us when I was out of faith.  When I was skeptical.  When I was too scared to hope anymore.  I truly went into this “last chance” believing we wouldn’t have kids, yet hoping against all odds that I was wrong. 

I have no idea what will happen if you are struggling.  I have no idea how your story will turn out.  I have friends that waited 7 to 10 years.  I have friends that adopted.  I have friends that never had kids.  Their faith is no different than mine.  God’s plan for them was different, and I don’t know why.  Try, if you can, to hold on to hope in the midst of this sorrow.  And if you can’t pray bold prayers anymore, I couldn’t, then find a friend who will pray them.  I would be glad to pray for you if you email me.  I can pray for a miracle on your behalf when it’s too hard to utter the words.  And if your miracle looks different than a pregnancy or an adoption then I will pray for that too – for courage, strength, peace, comfort.  As Holley Gerth put it, “We can always say, ‘God I believe you CAN do this.  And I also believe that whatever you WILL do is best.”

I am so sorry you are struggling.  So sorry.  I wish those words could express how deeply I wish you did not have to go through this.  I’ll be standing alongside you and holding on to hope. 

Ephesians 3

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name.  I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.