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Gindi Vincent

The Dish on Career, Fashion, Faith, and Family

fear

Fear

August 9, 2020 by Gindi Leave a Comment

I write a lot about fear.

It’s one of my tormentors.

I’ve mentioned this before, but I come from a long line of worriers, and I think I’m actually a little better than they even were.

Past blogs have tackled the difference between being fearful or scared, fear and worry that grips you over your kids, getting caught up in the minutiae and paralyzed by fear, and heck, I even wrote an entire 10 part bible study series called Breaking Fear!

After yesterday’s post on how we are all disappointed, I woke up this morning, ready to write again, and this word sat on me. Again.

Fear.

What really got me thinking about it was watching little bit on horseback with her brothers last night.

You see, she has been obsessed with horses since I can remember. She was on grandpa’s horse, Batman, as soon as she could walk, I have pictures on her walls of her on the assorted horses from farm and ranch life the past ten years.

But there’s a break in those photos. Probably for about two years.

We had family friends at the farm. She was riding with her friend who was two years younger. The saddle must not have been cinched tight enough, and when they brought Peanut in for some water, the saddle slid sideways and both girls fell onto the concrete base of the water trough. They were bumped up with a few minor boo-boos, but there was longer term damage.

Fear set in.

Something in her little brain told her that getting back up on the horse could result in her falling and getting hurt again. So when they would saddle the horses, she would decline the invitation. In time, she would be led around by her dad or aunt, but she wouldn’t just take off on a horse like she had done before the fall.

She still loved horses. But fear stopped her from doing what she wanted to do.

I think we are all intimately acquainted with fear these days. In addition to whatever political or justice fears we may have, every one of us (around the world) are united by a fear of a tiny spiky virus we know as COVID-19.

That fear is resulting in numerous reactions from complete isolation for fear of infection to complete denial of consequences and acting like nothing has changed.

Fear has shadowed our decisions about what to do about sending our kids to school or not. (I’m fearful they’ll get sick or get us sick if they go 🆚 I’m fearful they’ll struggle emotionally if they don’t have social interaction.)

Fear has set in to our workplaces. Our churches. Our neighborhoods.

And since fear sells, Lord knows that the news is using fear, on both sides of the political spectrum and even in apolitical spaces.

So what do we do about it?

I sat with that question this morning while my daughter threw on her boots and raced out with her brothers to saddle horses and go chase a bull that got loose (that sentence gives me fear!).

She chooses the gentlest horse now. She doesn’t get in the pens with the cows where the horse is more likely to hop or kick. Her horse doesn’t gallop quite as quickly as the ones the boys ride, and she’s happy about that.

She has chosen to do what she loves again, but to do it safely.

Could she still get hurt? Absolutely. Does she know that? Of course.

But she has chosen a course of action that enables her to get back to her first love: horses. Her passion was bigger than her fear, eventually.

This will look different for each of us.

What drives me, what will beat back my fear, will be different than what drives you to overcome your fears.

I wrote yesterday I’ve been stuck in a bog. Maybe some of that bog was disappointment but a huge big sticky mess of it was fear.

We are making the best decisions we can. And our decisions will look different than yours. We decided to send our kids back to school. We are some of the few who actually have that as an option and our small private school has done so much to keep the amazing teachers and students safe. The boys are slowly putting their toes back into the sports world, outdoors of course, while little bit will wait until basketball season (which we pray will be able to proceed, but we know none of us know).

I pray for wisdom. For wisdom to make wise choices that are greater than the fear buzzing in my brain. I know Matthew 6 tells me I cannot add a single hour to my life by worrying.

I pray I would remember the 2 Timothy 1 gift God has already given me: God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

The Ephesians 6 strength.

The 1 John 4 love.

I’ll slowly get back on my horse armed with strength and love and a sound mind and ride off in the direction God leads.

Filed Under: Faith, Family Tagged With: fear

From Ambulance to the Ocean

February 23, 2018 by Gindi 1 Comment

This was my view on Wednesday morning:

I’ve never ridden in an ambulance before.

Certainly didn’t plan for the trip when I drove to work Wednesday. If I’d had any inclination I’d end up on a stretcher in an ER, I wouldn’t have worn a dress.

I started feeling heavy pressure on my chest Tuesday. I shrugged it off.  But Wednesday morning, it persisted.  Because I was struggling to take deep breaths, I walked over to the company clinic just to get checked out.

When your BP is high and you feel like you have an elephant on your chest, campus medical calls an ambulance so you can get your cardiac enzymes tested at the hospital.

Hence my first ambulance ride.

Between 10:30 morning Wednesday morning and Friday, I’ve been a wreck.

First of all, having an unexpected trip to the hospital to make sure you’re not having a heart attack really throws your week for a loop.

Then all the other layers added knots.

I had some terribly painful abdominal cramps a couple of weeks ago that left me doubled over at the office. I ended up at the doctor’s office and improved, but given the timing right before my cycle, then the pain subsiding, the doctor thought it was a small cyst rupture.  The ultrasound the next morning was clear so I didn’t worry.

But with the timing of this pain and that event, coupled with an elevated blood clot test result at the hospital, they ran a CT scan to rule out pulmonary embolism and aortic dissection. Those are fun words.

My boss immediately followed the ambulance to the hospital and sat with me until my husband flew over from his work site. He was there to process the test results with me. The results showed healthy cardiac enzymes and a clear CT scan, so they released me to follow up with the cardiologist and my primary doc the next day.

But the chest pressure remained and I felt increasingly nauseous.

Bray took me to pick up my car at work and followed me home. As I listened to the radio, KSBJ played snippets from Billy Graham’s sermons interspersed with music as a tribute to him going home to Jesus that morning.  Natalie Grant’s King of the World came on the radio and the tears flowed.

When did I forget that you’ve always been king of the world?

I try to take life back right out of the hands of the king of the world

How could I make you so small

When you’re the one that holds it all

When did I forget that you’ve always been the king of the world?

I had just written on Tuesday about my false freedom from fear. Heck, I wrote the tips from Fierce Faith I was going to try and implement to keep me from spiraling.

But then, with my health up in the air, I spiraled.

I marshaled the troops. My amazing pastors were praying.  My prayer warrior friends were praying. And I stayed the heck off social media and Dr. Google because we all know that can go sideways fast.

Thursday I woke up without any change in the chest pressure and unable to eat because of my stomach. Miraculously, the cardiologist fit me in at 10:30 and my primary doc at noon.  Usually, a complete impossibility.

The verdict: costochondritis. An inflammation of my ribcage where it connects to the breastbone.  The cardiologist thought the nausea was anxiety.  My primary doc thought it was probably a result of overworking my abs with my new workout routine.  My abs were very tender to the touch.

What brought on the costochondritis? Probably a perfect storm having the flu earlier, having this weird blood antigen (I’ve battled related issues since high school), and my new high intensity work outs (that will teach you to get healthy!).

Here’s the thing, even with a great verdict (small issue, would resolve, nothing life threatening, etc.), I stayed out of sorts.

I worried something had been missed.

What if the nausea and headache which were probably just stress were actually something else that got overlooked?

Why was my neck stiff?

On and on.

I had JUST written about working myself into knots over my kids, but this time I’d come unglued over my own health.

At the beginning of last year, my cardiac symptoms turned out to be a gallbladder packed full of gallstones. As soon as they took that puppy out, presto: Good as New!

I didn’t have any lingering worries.

But this, it shook me more.

I called my best friend and told her I felt like I was losing my mind. Which symptoms were related to the physical illness and which were being brought on from anxiety?

In that frame of mind, I laid on the floor of my living room while my prayer warrior girlfriend spent an hour in prayer with me over the phone.

During the prayer session, she asked What lies are you believing about God?

I asked Him. What shook me was hearing this in my head: He is distant.

Now if you had asked me any given day, and twice on Sundays, I would NEVER have told you God is distant. I would have quoted all the verses about Him standing with us and fighting for us.  But somewhere, after the wear and tear of the past two years, I’d started believing He had stopped paying attention to us, to me.

Ugh.

Then she asked me, What is the truth?

I laid there, asking Him, what’s the truth, and instantly heard these words: I am right here in the middle of it.

I knew it in my head.

But I wasn’t believing it in my heart.

Until then.

And He kept speaking it over me even though the symptoms didn’t go away.

Wednesday, Thursday, Friday…

I saw on Facebook a friend of mine was attending Radiant Conference. I went on line to see what it was and saw this:

P31 has a daily devotional I sought out on Thursday which spoke this truth:

A college friend of mine who I haven’t talked to in ages felt compelled to send me a blog post about how we are not hopeless when we feel helpless:

I got in the car in the thick of some pretty severe pain and heard this unbelievable new song called Reckless Love (before I spoke a word, you were singing over me…):

As my prayer warrior friend said during our prayer: God, you are not our life raft, you are the ocean.

I’d spent the week feeling like I was drowning. But He’s the ocean.  And I’m finding, hour by hour, that if I am right there next to Him, praying and praising and meditating, I can move forward.  It’s when I take even two steps away I’m locked back up in fear over what’s next.

He is so good. Not “even” in these hard weeks, but oh so “especially” in these hard weeks.

I’m not physically better yet.  My chest feels heavy and my head hurts and I’ve lost my appetite but He’s here and He’s sent an army to walk with me – husband, kids, family, friends, work, church, school…

 

Filed Under: Faith Tagged With: fear

False Freedom from Fear

February 20, 2018 by Gindi Leave a Comment

I worry. About lots of stuff. But I’m a gold medal Olympic worrier when it comes to my kids.

The Internet really helps this problem (hahahahaha).

This second grade year has given me no shortage of fodder for my fears.

We’ve dealt with illness, injury, loss of self-confidence, anger, anxiety, school struggles, friend struggles, and that’s just since September. (Granted, there’s three of them, but c’mon.)

I’m reading Alli Worthington’s second book, Fierce Faith: A Woman’s Guide to Fighting Fear, Wrestling Worry, and Overcoming Anxiety, tailor made for the woman battling fear (aka ME).

I just finished the chapter on fears for our kids. My stomach knotted up just reading it.  Every single fear she identified, I struggle with: They are so vulnerable… What if someone kidnaps them? Molests them? Runs them over? Bullies them? Peer pressures them into destructive behavior? And what about their own intrinsic tendency to rebel against God, give in to sin, cause harm to themselves and others? And just freak accidents that could happen to them when I’m not looking?

Check, check, check.

This morning, I found myself in a vice grip of fear about one of my three as I picked it up and turned to Chapter 5. Even as I write, I feel a little nauseous.

You see, one of mine is hurting. And I am at a total loss for how to help.  Fortunately, I have some amazing momma friends who have gone through similar issues and have provided deep and loving insight.

But no matter what steps you hope may help, it doesn’t ease the knot in your stomach when you look in a little face with tears streaming down begging not to go to school.

I was still processing what I read as I drove home, determined to find a way forward for both of us. A song by Lauren Daigle came on the radio:

You plead my cause
You right my wrongs
You break my chains
You overcome
You gave Your life
To give me mine
You say that I am free
How can it be

I talk a good game. Heck, I led a bible study at work yesterday championing trust in God’s provision.  Urging those in attendance toward faith instead of doubt.

But when it comes home, I’m living in false freedom.

We pray.

I prayed with my struggling one just this morning – that God would help bring joy into the day and offer peace over anxiousness.

But I am tied up. Tied down.  Sitting in chains of fear and worry that have long been broken if only I’d shake them off.

(Easier said than done, don’t I know it.)

If the Son sets you free, then you are free indeed. (John 8:36)

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. (2 Tim. 1:7)

I will keep you and… say to the captives ‘Come out… be free.’ (Isaiah 49)

So, what do you do first when you’re far from free from fear? Alli offered helpful tips for me to put into practice ASAP:

  • Decide if the fear is real or perceived – all too often, we’ve blown up the fear into something that is FAR worse than reality.
  • Determine what level of control you have over the situation – Maybe it is really a legitimate issue your family is facing but you can’t do one stinkin’ thing about it, so that’s when Alli says she’s learning to say ‘Lord, I don’t know what’s outside this door. But Lord, I release him to you.’ (UGH!)
  • Don’t feed the fears – I’ve found that talking to worrywarts about my worry magnifies it, so I have to stop.
  • Lean on your battle buddies – I honestly couldn’t get through the twists and turns of what life throws at me without my unbelievable tribe of women warriors who walk alongside me. Inexpressibly grateful.
  • Trust the One who holds their future – this is the hardest one. We can’t fix it all. And He won’t always ‘fix’ it. But God loves our babies more than we are capable and this is where we release and trust. And where we find real freedom.

Filed Under: Faith, Family Tagged With: fear

New Every Morning

January 23, 2017 by Gindi 2 Comments

This January put me through the ringer.

My first day back at work, I was happily responding to emails when suddenly I felt cold, dizzy, nauseous and had terrible shooting chest pains.  I’d not experienced anything like it before, so I walked over to our company’s clinic.  There, I was met by wonderful staff who ran an EKG which came back clear.  But with elevated blood pressure (atypical for me) and worrisome symptoms, they sent me to my doctor for additional tests.

From January 3rd until this morning, I’ve had all kinds of tests and lab work done. I even landed in an ER on my way home from work one evening when I started losing feeling in my hands and face.

I didn’t write about it for a couple of reasons.

One, some of the whispers of what it might be scared me to death.  Tests run for heart attack, pulmonary embolism, and stroke.  When those came back negative, the lab work stared for autoimmune diseases and other assorted ailments which might match a blood antigen doctors found I had my junior year in high school.  Two steady weeks of serious pain and random symptoms, all beginning to lessen in the last week.

Two, I thought I might be going crazy.  As if the stress and worry and fear of my past 15 months had finally accumulated in one big long panic attack.

I received a note from my wonderful doctor on Saturday night.  It shared what she thought this might be and encouraged me to head to the ER if I worsened before my appointment this morning.  I let my mind run wild.  I couldn’t sleep.  Instead, I created symptoms out of my fear.

I read these words inked on Ann Voskamp’s social media feed and clung to them since I knew them as truth:

At the beginning of a new week, Lord… Set everything inside of us at peace now.
We trust You’re doing what’s best — when we can’t see Your hand, we’ll trust Your heart.
Keep us alive with what we need & let us give away the rest because this is what makes us *fully alive.*
Keep us in close company with You & keep us in forgiving company of others because we *are* in close company with You.
Keep us bold enough to keep taking leaps of faith…
You’re in control & we take our hands off our lives.
And as the world spins in Your hands tonight, we look up at stars & know You’re always all our Beautiful Light — Yes. Yes. Yes.
In the name of Jesus’ who loved us to death & to life…
Amen

My girlfriends prayed.  One offered to go with me to the doctor.  I sat at the doctor’s office and waited to understand if there was anything wrong.  In the time between being called to the small white room and the doctor walking in, I remembered I’d fallen behind in my First 5 reading plan.  It’s an app I have to kick off the morning with a scripture and prayer.  I’d stopped reading it before they started the study of Joshua.  It’s one of my favorite stories in the Bible.  So, as I waited, I read:

Day 1: Be strong and courageous.  The image flashed up with the words, Father, I will not fear any task to which you call me because you go with me wherever I go. 

Day 2: The story of Rahab with the words, she chooses to act on the truth of WHO GOD IS rather than stay stuck in the truth of who she was. 

I read all the way through to Day 6.  Joshua’s army was marching around Jericho.  The image above flashed up first: God is working things out.  He is present.  His plan is still good.  And He can still be trusted. 

Lysa TerKeurst closed Day 6 by saying, “These are true certainties even when life feels so very uncertain.”

I feel as though we’ve been living with uncertainty for months and months.  And even while the uncertainty was ongoing, I felt more was coming.  Coming out of a frentic holiday season, I slammed face first into a wall of health concerns.  One of the few areas which had been holding up quite well until the New Year.

Instead of trusting God in the storm, I started planning out of fear.  I made lists.  I imagined all the “possible” scenarios and outcomes and worried about updating our will and making sure Bray was on all the school distribution lists.  Desperate for information, I filled in with my fearful imagination in its absence.  I took my eyes off of Him.  I forgot He knows (Jer. 29:11), that His ways are higher than my ways (Isa. 55:9), and no one can snatch us from His hand (John 10:28).

She walks in, all smiles.  The verdict is a good workable one.  A solution recommended.  A path laid out to follow.

Yet, deep in my spirit, I had settled before she opened the door.

I remember singing an old hymn as a child, words from Lamentations 3:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

I don’t know what’s in front of you.

Heck, I don’t know what’s in front of me.  Seriously.  This past year is nothing if not proof of that.

But I know fear can shut us down.  Can knock us off track.

It blindsided me this month.

Don’t let it.

His mercies are new every morning.

He is working things out.

He can be trusted.

Hang in there, friend.

Filed Under: Faith Tagged With: fear

Knowledge That Doesn’t Stem The Fear

June 27, 2016 by Gindi 1 Comment

skyRoar. Swerve.  Bump, bump, bump.  On my flight home yesterday from Denver, I experienced a rougher than average ride.  After a very tumultuous take off, we’d evened out for a while.

Then we hit another patch.

My stomach lurched into my throat, and I obsessively watched the map on the seatback screen in front of me.

Ground speed: 526 mph

Head Wind: 17 mph

Altitude: 38999 ft

The time and distance to Houston slowly ticked down… 495 miles, 484 miles, 461 miles, and the clock dropped minutes until our arrival at the destination.

As I pushed buttons on the screen, I saw one entitled, “From the Flight Deck.”  Now this airplane was one of those mega ones normally reserved for Transatlantic travel, so I’d never seen this feature before. Apparently, the feature allows you to listen to air traffic control from your headphones, and if you hear your flight number you’d know if there was a change in course or an issue on deck.

I found this tremendously reassuring.

Briefly.

Like somehow knowing what was happening from 39,000 feet in the air would enable me to change anything.  Bump, bump, bump.  I was reminded of my complete lack of control.

My husband hates to fly.  He loves the control over his own destiny driving brings.  I’m getting that more these days.

We are given more and more knowledge with the rapid pace of technology.  On our flights. On our weather. On our traffic. On our local and national and global news.  The one consistent effect I see from this deluge of information is that we are all more fearful.  The onslaught of information has rendered us terrified and nearly incapable of action because of all the dark news we’re regularly confronted with.  And no matter how much more information we get, we still have no control over 90% of what’s going on.  No control over what happens on our flight.  No control over where the tornado touches down.  No control over what building a shooter decides to target.

I grabbed my phone.  I’d snapped screen shots of some verses just earlier that the day to keep handy when I was unsettled:

Psalm 31: In you, Lord, I have taken refuge… Turn your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me. Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me. Into your hands I commit my spirit; deliver me, Lord, my faithful God.

Ephesians 6: Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God… And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.

Jeremiah 29: For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Matthew 6

matt6

I write about fear a fair amount.  Mainly because it’s a struggle facing me now more than ever.

I always find the solutions in His words.

The map on the seatback screen cycled through three different perspectives of our route.  First, the global map depicting where we were in the world.  Next up, the national map showing from Honolulu to New York.  And finally, the regional picture of our flight from Denver to Houston, zooming in before the global map reappeared on our city as we approached.

In my muck of fear, focusing on the minutia of the moment, I often lose sight of the global picture. 

I stared at the swaths of nighttime darkness covering Africa and Europe contrasted against the bowl of daylight starting at Australia and making its way to a conclusion at our East Coast.

I prayed for those living with imminent threats.  Prayed for fresh perspective.  Reminded that my fear calls into question my faith in a God who promises nothing can separate me from His love.  The only security and certainty we have is in Him.

The flight radio crackled with flight numbers and requests for course deviations due to the weather.  I took off my headphones.  That knowledge won’t stem the fear.  Knowing Him will.

Filed Under: Faith Tagged With: fear

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