moms Archives - Gindi Vincent

I recently heard a successful woman say sometimes you just have to send store bought cookies to your kid’s class party.

That’s not my thing.

Don’t get me wrong. I have plenty of “things” I’ve exchanged in this career/mom constant teeter-totter.

I phone it in as a mom all the time.

But as I stood elbow deep in cookie dough and candy sprinkles tonight, I thought you have to find your thing. Do your particular mom thing well and don’t worry about all the other stuff.

It’s not about store bought cookies, at least for me, it’s about deciding what’s important and what you have to release.

I’m really good at a few things. I’m good with words. You give me a kid that needs encouragement, and I’ll pull out all the stops. So my kids get cards on holidays with notes from me. Sometimes I’ll pen a note on a napkin. This February, I taped a heart every morning to the kids bedroom doors with something we love about him or her. It covered everything from kindness to curiosity to fishing.

I like to bake. I like the smell of the house when there are cookies in the oven. My kids always want to help now which gives me great joy (and a huge mess). So tonight, amid the truly demanding week and my exhaustion, I baked brownies and cookies. The kids ooh-ed and aah-ed over the smells and wandered in to mix the batter and lick the bowls and overshake the candy sprinkles. It didn’t matter tonight’s goodies began as a mix in a box. We didn’t pull out Joy of Cooking or try to learn how to tackle Pate a Choux after last episode of Kids Baking Champion. We just baked until their bedtime, and then I baked some more (two first grade classes to feed after all).

I love holidays. None more than Christmas. But from Easter to Valentine’s, I love to bake and decorate and give small gifts and make it special. And memorable. This weekend, we hosted a precious 1st grade girls Valentine’s friendship tea. There is nothing more fun than fancy-ing up the house with little bit for her friends. Pink and flowers and hearts.

Tonight, after all the baking and heart taping, I finished writing Valentine’s cards and set little spots at the table for all four of my people with small gifts. A candy treat for each. Matching pocket knives for all three of my men. A heart dress for dollie for the little miss. It’s how I let them know I love them despite all the crazy and frenzy.

I’ve also learned when to phone it in.

I do not do crafty. I no longer try. The 100 day t-shirt at school! Ack! Aside from the fact I couldn’t believe this existed after kindergarten, I phoned it in. We ran to Michael’s (multiple times) and bought stickers. Then we proceeded to stick them, in no pattern, to the plain t-shirt. My only goal was for them to arrive at school with 100 stickers on their shirts. At 8:05 am, they could all fall off for all I cared.

Easter hat parade. Unmitigated disaster in preschool. Couldn’t believe the craft explosions.

Theme days. Um, count me out.

Learning boxes or Valentine’s receptacles. Uh-uh.

What happens there is I actually let my kids do the thing. I don’t look at Pinterest. Then the thing looks like a preschooler or kindergartener or 1st grader did it. Instead of an adult. I’m good with that. Hopefully the kids are.

I forget everyone’s birthday now. I try to keep a stack of gift cards or other random presents in a closet in the house so I can bail myself out when needed. Back in the day, I was better. Now I just try to remember the kids and Bray’s.

I don’t volunteer at school. I work a full day in an office nowhere near my house or the kids school, so I’ve left that to those who are able.

My cooking abilities are simply adequate because of the time crunch, and I’m too tired to plan exotic learning experiences for the kids. We read together at home. And we hug on each other a lot. I’m okay reining it in during this life season.

So to all you sweet mommas filling Valentine’s cards with treats for school tomorrow or packaging baked goods or stuffing teacher gift bags, thanks. You rock.

Do what you love to do and let go of all the rest. Let’s not compare ourselves to each other. Your kids will have cuter outfits than mine tomorrow. (Hopefully mine just arrive clean(ish).) And I bet your pate a choux is scrumptious. My boys will send store bought Pokémon cards home with yours and little bit signed her own name to 30 Shopkins card.

I truly think you rock. Never am I more amazed by you sleep deprived women who are juggling all the balls with your jobs and your kids and your talents. But promise not to do it all. And I won’t either. Our kids will know how loved they are because we’re doing the things we really do love with the ones we love to the moon and back.

Sometimes, you just want to write a post to irritate everyone.

Ahem, actually not so much.

Hence this post sitting in the queue for a bit. Then I decided to be brave and put it out there.

I love this new mom movement going around about not judging each other for the different ways we mother. LOVE IT! Primarily because I’m prone to guilt and work full time, and I appreciate you not judging me for what little bit looked like when we returned my suit to Dillard’s yesterday. I didn’t have the energy to redo her ensemble.

I am opposed to judgment.

But I wonder if this whole “no judgment” movement has given us a pass where we should be trying harder.

Here’s a couple of examples I read about or hear in speeches. Example A, I’m a busy mom so I don’t often worry about cleaning my house. I live in the moment and pride myself on sticky floors and legos everywhere because it means I spend more time with my kids than I do worrying about my house being messy. Example B, I’m a working mom so I outsource every possible mom activity I would perform if I didn’t have a career. I order cupcakes, don’t bake them. I have a housekeeper, lawn man, pool guy, tutor, sitter, personal shopper, etc.

Did I just make the entire mom population unsubscribe? Wait! Let me first disclose, my house is regularly a wreck. IN ADDITION, I have a nanny who helps clean my house. See? I’m not judging.

But here’s what got me thinking after talking to a woman who career coaches other women. Do we need to abdicate responsibility for everything? What does that teach our kids?

First thing in the morning and last thing in the evening, we have our kids clean. We clean right along with them. Each one has to make their bed in the morning and put their dirty clothes up and clean the table. In the evenings, they have to clean up the play room and unload the dishwasher and make sure their bathroom and bedrooms are tidied up. I am imperfect about this but want to teach our kids responsibility growing up. If they don’t learn it at this early age, they will struggle against the assorted responsibilities of home and work as they grow. Then we hoist our kids incapable of participating in household duties on some unsuspecting spouse.

When I married my husband, he was tidier than I was. He cooks, cleans, launders, and is entirely self-sufficient. I want clean, respectful, responsible and independent kids. House chores, and living in an environment that reflects we respect ourselves and others, help our children learn those valuable characteristics.

Let’s tackle the outsourcing. Our kids have two parents with full time, often stressful, jobs. There’s no way the kids could have done swim team (or anything) this year had we not had a nanny. She’s been with us since they were born, is like part of our family, and is a practical and financially appropriate decision for a family of five. I am sad thinking about the day we won’t have her anymore.

I do worry we career moms are taking outsourcing too far though. The woman I mentioned told me she recommends her clients outsource everything: for example, the kids will never remember you baked homemade cupcakes for their school party so just pick some up at the store. While I’m not beyond picking stuff up at the store, I beg to differ.

My kids know the time and effort I put into doing things for them. Now that they’re five, they’re in the kitchen baking with me. For the Christmas party, we made festive fruit ka-bobs with green grapes and red strawberries and white marshmallows, and they had fun helping and plating the treats for school. For grandmother’s birthday, we all baked a cake together and wrote (very poorly) her birthday message in icing. I showing them I love them by carving time out to do something for them, AND we’re getting to spend time together while they learn the basics of cooking. Now it may not be cooking for everyone – it could be artfully collaborating on a sign or mowing the grass or fixing up a car or whatever the practical task may be that gives parents time with their kids and teaches them a practical skill.

This is not about judging moms, thank heavens because I would lose, but it’s about drawing a line in the sand on the slippery slope of it being about us instead of them. Each individual mom has to decide what works for her and her family. For me, it means I don’t clean toilets or do laundry which is a huge gift most folks don’t have and which frees me up to bake those cupcakes. Maybe it’s doing laundry together as a family while you listen to silly songs. Whatever it is, it’s important to remember I became a mom for a reason. If we start outsourcing everything about being a mom, what will they remember us for?

I want to teach values of respect for our house and our things by encouraging them to clean up from a young age. I also need to remind myself that being a mom means sacrificing a lot, all the time, which means less sleep and broken necklaces and markers on the wall, but after spending years praying for these three, I wouldn’t exchange it for anything.

When To Phone It In

The New Mom Movement